Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Really could use a WS's perspective here...
WH and I are attending MC and I can't quite put my finger on it but it just feels like he's not really ready to commit to reconciliation. He's "doing" a lot of the "right" things but it jist feels like the heart or passion is missing. Almost like he knows he messed up and needs to make things right but there doesn't seem to be much urgency with him. He only will respond to my questions (SOME questions) and just keeps saying, "I love you" over and over again. I can't tell if he really just can't communicate or if he's not really c omitted. I know I may be projecting somewhat but I think if I was in his shoes and realized I really messed up, I'd be making use of every single opportunity to demonstrate how much I loved my spouse and even further, try to figure out how I ended up in an affair so as to avoid it ever again in the future.
What am I missing? Or am I trying to convince my heart of what my head obviously already knows?
WH and I are attending MC and I can't quite put my finger on it but it just feels like he's not really ready to commit to reconciliation. He's "doing" a lot of the "right" things but it jist feels like the heart or passion is missing. Almost like he knows he messed up and needs to make things right but there doesn't seem to be much urgency with him. He only will respond to my questions (SOME questions) and just keeps saying, "I love you" over and over again. I can't tell if he really just can't communicate or if he's not really c omitted. I know I may be projecting somewhat but I think if I was in his shoes and realized I really messed up, I'd be making use of every single opportunity to demonstrate how much I loved my spouse and even further, try to figure out how I ended up in an affair so as to avoid it ever again in the future.
What am I missing? Or am I trying to convince my heart of what my head obviously already knows?
http://chumplady.com/2013/07/reconciliation-and-entitlement/
I'm not a WS but I know a thing or two about what real remorse and fake remorse looks like. Please read the above articles and ask yourself if your cheating spouse is doing everything necessary.
Don't know if that is what your H is going through or not. But I think having an A causes the CS to build walls against guilt. Once out of the A, it takes a while of "detox" to start feeling what they know in their head they should feel. The reality that the fantasy is over has to sink in.
The marriage counselor should be able to help him sort it out if he's open to exploring it.
I believe what you're experiencing from your CS is common behaviour, and because the BS is in a state of heightened emotion, everything and anything becomes a reason for concern.
A cheating spouse may be trying to do whatever they can to help the betrayed spouse recover, but it's often fear that is at the forefront of their thoughts.
They fear of saying the wrong thing, they fear that they won't be forgiven, they fear that you will think them a monster, and they fear of their new label as a CS and how it will damage their reputation.
They fear they will fail to regain your trust, they fear intense conversations for fear of being further found out, and they fear discovering and possibly recognizing that they are not the esteemed person they believed themselves to be.
Counselling often raises past issues that the CS hasn't dealt with and the thought of it, combined with the infidelity, the BS's state of grief, and the mess they now have to fix, is overwhelming and can put them in the state that you are seeing and experiencing.
The amount of time a BS requires to recover, heal and reconcile the marriage is daunting to the CS. Many can only deal with it for a month or two, and talking about it beyond that seems unreasonable to them.
They imagine themselves dealing with the turmoil of what they've done, your pain and your healing, for the next two to three years, or possibly five to ten, and the thought of it can immobilize and discombobulate them.
Focus on rebuilding trust, amity, and togetherness, to get yourselves to a place where you can both help one another discuss what has happened to you, and what you can do to heal.
I wish you well in your reconciliation.
how much time would you give him to decide?
are you ready to commit to reconciliation?
---I am sorry that your world is rocked, and i do not have the perspective of reconciliation as my WW severed all of her vows, that being said do whatever you need to so that you can think clearly & see things as they are,
i understand your hope to reconcile,
i hope the best / right thing works out for you
This weekend was a doozy. I suspect this rollercoaster ride of emotions is my new normal?!
Perhaps it's not really what I'm looking to see from him more than it is what I'm contemplating within myself? I had to take the weekend for myself - had to get away from it all and just BE - hear my own thoughts, feel my own emotions...it was very helpful, I think, in getting to a clear space.
I'm trying to resolve the feelings/thoughts I have surrounding the fact that this is a HUGE deal - sometimes people don't ever recover from affairs - and THAT scares me. I know it's probably too soon to think that far in advance (reading that it can take anywhere from up to 2+ years for things to "get back to normal") but it seems SO daunting.
I HATE the fact that I no longer can trust him. I HATE looking at him differently and imagining what it must have been like for him to lay with another woman. The thing that REALLY hurts me is that he's said (since dday) that he felt lonely in our marriage and that he wanted to "connect". The VERY next sentence was "Sex is one of the primary ways in which we can bond with our spouse." And I replied, yes, that's why it HURTS like HELL to know YOU BONDED with someone else!
Just trying to hold on each day because man 'o man THIS IS TOUGH SH!T! :-(
My DDay was 8/14, followed by a second DDay 8/20, so now almost 3 months out.
These feelings you have now WILL get better. I know you watch his every move, listen to every word, analyze every feeling right now. I found, for myself, I had to get to a place of worrying about ME and ME alone. HE has to figure out the why and how to prevent it in the future. I have to build a strong ME so I can make good decisions about MY future and whether he will be a part of that future.
We are in MC and he is working hard on HIM. I notice and let him know I notice, but I still work on ME every day.
The CS knows that absolutely NOTHING will ever be the same, and that they are the ones who caused it. It can take a LONG time to go from HEARING that they are an asshole, to actually OWNING and ACCEPTING that, "WOW. I actually really AM a total asshole."
Their world has been rocked, too. And it takes time to absorb the facts and reality of it.
It took my CS almost a year to switch from GINR ("Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse") to real and genuine "Holy Crap. I TOTALLY effed up everything, and threw away my entire life, and please, please, please, for the love of everything good and holy, PLEASE forgive me" remorse.
To the cheaters, an affair is like crack cocaine. You know its not good for you, but it feels sooooooo damn good. Going cold turkey off of crack is a miserable experience (As I understand it), and quitting an affair is probably quite similar.