Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Im looking for advice from any REMORSEFUL cheating spouses that may be on here. I'm working things out with my CS he's working hard all is going really well he's an open book etc etc. He answers all questions but 1 thing he just seem unable to handle if I discuss.
Like most CS he did not use protection. That idea is for me even worse than the act of cheating himself. So every now and then I keep bringing up how his stupidity of not using protection could have caused me to have HIV and since I was pregnant at that time he basically could have given his son HIV. Now we are both tested and all is fine. But that just a hard thing to get past for me. So I bring it up every now and then on bad days. But when I "blame" him again for risking our sons health he gets so ashamed so mad at himself and mad at me for bringing it up again. He says he realizes how he risked hos sons health by his own stupidity and he will never forget and he says he is so ashamed and mad at himself. That s the only fact he can't discuss or handle. I find it hard to show empathy for this specific shame. I know I should let it go as nothing happened healrh wise and we are moving forward very well. But can anyone shine some light on this shame a remorseful CS feels, how does that work?. What is the best way to handle that as the BS I don't want to spare his feelings necessary but I don't understand this shame hard to find the empathy for it inside of me if that makes sense.
yeah, no...
I recognized the fact he was feeling shame. However, there becomes a point that if you are wanting to work on the marriage you will need to stop lashing out with that.
My CS was and still is remorseful. i am not going to try and understand why he did what he did. I know why... he had the opportunity , was selfish, and not thinking about me or his family. If you have the information and he has a knowledged all of it. All you are doing is punishing him. Granted it may feel good at first but doing it repeatedly is abuse.. if he had the ability to choose someon that abuses him daily and the OW... who would you choose if you were him?
Doesn't mean you shouldn't ask questions. If I felt I asked something and got the truth but something else was bothering me concerning the same issue. I asked the question.
The link below is a book that my CS read that helped him understand what I was going through.
http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_YOUR_SPOUSE_HEAL_FROM_YOUR_AFFAIR--ljm2.doc
I understand why the worst case scenario infuriates you and also wonder what you hope might happen when you bring it up. What would help you? He can acknowledge your pain. He can say he is sorry. He can mean it. He can say the risk was low (if it was). He cannot change anything.
You are not obligated to do anything to make him feel better. He had an affair. He needs to work through it himself. That said, if he sits in a pit of shame forever, you two will never rebuild.
We have to rebuilt so I guess I should find a way to let this go.
There were times during my low times when I would have to question again and again what she was thinking not using protection.
She admitted how evil and stupid it was and showed her regret. It doesn't really come up anymore after a year but the thoughts still do at times. It is something you need to get out of your system because it really was a selfish, thoughtless and dangerous thing they did.
However, as Gravegirl said, make sure you are really trying to move forward a bit each time you need to air it out. You don't want to get stuck at this point if rebuilding a new marriage/relationship is the goal.
It finally became time to end the marriage, we couldn't move forward.
If your H is truly remorseful and has truly ended his A and is doing all the work neeed to move forward - by consistently berating him you are holding back progress.
If he is doing all the above, your marriage is one of the few lucky ones that survive infidelity.
@forwardmotion, wow yes the paternity test omg that must have been nervewrecking, so sorry you went through that.
The time from the test to the result which was like a week was agonizing. When I looked at my son during that window of time there was this detachment I felt. Yep, pretty horrible.