I think eventually, over time, your family will come to be able to at least tolerate being around him, if nothing else than for the sake of your daughter.

I am one who has decided to stay. Almost three years post Dday now in a "do it for the kids" type of relationship in which the day to day life is pretty "normal" but the relationship will never be the same.

My parents get along just fine with my wife, they told me early one they would respect whatever my decision was to stay or go. In all actually I think their relationship has actually gotten better but that is because my wife actually has tried to make it so and instead of spending spare time doing what she used to do she spends it with family, even my family. The rest of my side of the family gets along fine with her as well, my 80yo grandmother has actually become quite close with my wife after all of this. I think in her own way she is trying to help keep the family together for her grandkids that she so adores.

One thing I am not sure of is what my families reactions would be if they actually really know what happened and just how much my wife has hurt me and its overall affect on me that they dont see. They know my wife cheated but I believe think of it as a "typical" affair maybe even a mistake. They dont know that it lasted for years and years with multiple people, took advantage of them in ways, her own family in ways, and disregarded our children in ways. I wonder if they actually knew all that happened if they would be have been able to continue the way they did. I chose to protect them from the details because I felt that was the best if I was going to try to stay with her and I think it was the right decision.

On the flip side my relationship with my in-laws has worsened a lot. We remain amicable and cordial but it is not like before. This is because of what happened after Dday. Her parents were in total shock about it, and her mother found out a lot of the details, things that really really bothered her and upset set her about her daughter. At first they were very very supportive of both of us but as soon as it looked like I might actually decide to leave they took steps to try to make sure she got everything, they actually told my wife to "refuse to leave the house" because if she did it would be more likely that I would get it and her father also told her that she had dug a hole to deep, forget about anything else in the relationship put all feelings aside and treat things "like a business relationship" from that day forward. They have since apologized (kind of) for saying this but for me it was almost like being betrayed again like there was some secret planning going on behind my back just like with the affair. While I understand them wanting for their daughter, all parents do, I found there reaction to be very hurtful to me especially considering they fully believe that I have been a great husband and father.

My family is civil to her only for my children,
They hide the fact that she makes them want to vomit.

One of my retirements for rebuilding was that my cs speak to each of my family members and tell them what happened and apologize to them. His A resulted in a child and I couldn't bare the thought of telling them and their reactions. I thought I might feel an instinct to defend him, or try to explain his remorse.

By him telling them, they got to have first hand experience and could make their minds up that way.

Most of them were willing to give hima chance and respected him for telling them.

Retirement should read requirement

Didn't tell my family until a couple months before the book came out. I think it helped that it had been almost 2 yrs and obvious that we had worked though it and were happy. But they seem to relate to her as well as ever. Maybe better. If there were any bad feelings, they didn't show it.

The only one I don't know about is my youngest brother. He never said a thing or reacted. But he still treats her the same. Makes me wonder if he's cheated or been cheated on himself.

I was lucky because i do not have much of a family, and the ones that i do have, i am not close enough to for them to know. her family on the other hand when i told them, they already knew, and they had no issues with what she did, i was told that it was my wake up call to start participating in the relationship and not focus so much on working 80 plus hours a week, and not getting upset at her for the way she is.

Presuming the family is behaving that way to show support for you, I think if you tell them when you are ready that you want them to drop the grudge for the sake of the children, they will respect your wishes.

No one knows in our families.

I think this actually is keeping my H from straying again. He knows I
would out him if he strays again. He would be disgraced and I don't think he could handle the humiliation.

Thanks everyone for your responses. Thank you for sharing. All very interesting responses. Sometimes I wonder if I should have said anything to begin with, but my family were really the main ones I could talk to since I am close with them. They pretty much know everything I know. But I'm thinking even if they didn't know about the cheating they probably still wouldn't want to see him because it was months after I left that I told them about it. They didn't even like him when we were together because he wasn't a very good husband in their opinion, but they tolerated him for me. But now that they know what he did, they want nothing to do with him.

I think in time they may be willing to tolerate him for a short while at an event for our daughter, but I'm sure deep inside they would be cringing.

pinkpony - If I ever even decided to consider giving it another try in the future (highly doubtful), having him apologize to my family would be a requirement for me too.

CountyMounty - I find it very interesting that the relationship that suffered was the on with your in-laws when you were the one who was the betrayed spouse! That just doesn't seem right..