none, my spouse affair-ed out and wanted no part on reconciliation.

i think that a part of it was that she couldn't / wouldn't trust me to forgive her.

i wonder at what it was that she couldn't forgive me for and used as justification to betray her vows.

i can only imagine how difficult it is to reconcile, i do think that the cheating spouse has to put all of the truth out there, take all anger for a bit, i think the betrayed has to come to a point of "well that is all out" doesn't mean it goes away but say your piece for awhile and then leave it where it lay

i wish i had better advice to offer, i wish i had a success story to say this worked for me

i respect your choice/hope for reconciliation

I have been cheated on and worked through it, left it behind, only to be cheated on again. I am not saying that all cheating spouses are repeat offenders but my repeated mistake was not letting him do all the work. I helped him along because I thought I was supposed to be the supportive spouse. I let him make excuses. I let him walk all over me. Working on you marriage is great, but make sure the CS does the work and proves himself to you. I wish I would have done so many things differently. At least if he wasn't willing to put in the work I would be so much further along in my healing instead of suffering through another heartbreak.

Listen to Broken....the more you control the rebuild the less likely it is to succeed.

Their desire to stop the behavior has to be internally driven...period, end of story.

You are wise to stay out of MC, it basically focuses on the "marriage", which obviously was not important to the CS and it teaches them the buttons you want pushed to feel all gooey again.

I am nearing one year out from discovering my CS emotional texting, phone calls affair. I did the whole buy in of the reconciliation industry...books, videos, programs, MC, the works. I felt worse by the day, even though my CS seemed to be "doing the work", I somehow felt that my life would become one of checking the cell constantly and looking over my shoulder. I stopped that the day I found infidelityhelpgroup.com and got some honest, real advice about affairs.

I stopped MC that day. I said, this is not about our marriage, this is about you making a very bad choice every time you hit send or answered the phone. It has nothing to do with me, so I am no longer involved.

I went to my own counselor, started setting my own life goals, found ways to have happiness that did not depend on him. He took himself to a therapist and I have seen some real, measurable changes in his character. I live a full life, have my own interests and also have interests that we share. I do not try to control him ( I slip sometimes, but it is a process), I simply observe his world view changes. I no longer even look at the cell bill, or his phone, as he could easily buy a prepaid phone I would have no knowledge of, so checking anything is a false sense of security.

We have had ups and downs...mostly because I tried to niggle my way into the control arena now and then....I am a work in progress, too. All in all, I feel strong, healthy, and know that if he makes a bad choice again, I can make a healthy decision and leave the dysfunction behind as a strong, focused, goal oriented adult female, not a controlling, naive, manipulator of reconciliation. It is a path that feels good to me, so I will continue to walk this path, not sit down in the dysfunction because it feels good.