It is not at all irrational to have that jealousy. But please think about how he is possibly manipulating you by asking for you back. You divorced him for a reason, right? Was the cheating a one-time thing, or a trend? Hey so much communication with him? Do you gain something from it? I was very much like you and wanted, craved that contact with my ex, because he always said he loved me more than anyone, but in the end, his actions always hurt me. Think about taking time away from him going no contact.

He had an emotional affair with this woman he worked with for about 8 months. After I divorced him he went so far as to quit his job and start a new one to show me he didn't want to be around her anymore. I guess I gain from my contact with him feeling like the 15 years of my life spent with him wasn't for nothing? The comfort of familiarity? I've thought about it a lot. We live apart, finances are split , so the only thing left is that comfort you only get from communicating with someone you have so much history with. I know it's crazy and all my friends keep telling me to leave it alone but they don't really understand and I get tired of everyone telling me what to do. Such difficult times.

I think you want him back. And maybe he has really changed? True remorse? Only you can decide. I would have taken mine back in a heartbeat if he really would have stopped. Besides cheating he treated me golden in every other way. It's sad to lose that connection.

Thank you cmonge. I feel like everyone around me thinks it's so easy "cut the bastard lose" "stop talking to him". It's so easy for the happily married to tell me what to do, they aren't alone after 15 years at age 48, I know they mean well. My fear is I'm believing him at this point because of this weird rivalry I have built up in my head against this OW and showing her she didn't get her fairy tale with him and in the end, when he was free to be with her, he didn't want her. Like I said I know it's irrational, thought maybe some others had been in my shoes perhaps and could lift the fog of this for me.

If your ex is truly remorseful and wants you to give him another chance you have a decision to make. If you reconcile with him do it for the right reason not because you are getting back at the ow. It might help you sort out your feelings to see a therapist. Work thru all the reasons to go back or cut him out of your life.

That is what I'm grappling with. My thoughts change from moment to mement which is why I'm so confused.

I know this is probably wrong of me to say but if he is remorseful and shows you he cares and treats you well...I would almost give him another chance. At least a date or two and see where it goes.

He cheated on you and you want to give him another chance? I couldn't personally do it. I have tried multiple times and in the end I could never get over the betrayal to feel the okay about things.

Yes to all of this. I struggle with whether I can get over this and trust again, I struggle with this irrational jealousy and most days I just want to hide in a corner somewhere and wish I didn't have to think about any of it. I admire people who can just walk away and never look back on the cheater , I just don't have it in me at this point.

I wouldn't say I never looked back. I have been cheated on by three different men, that I can think of off the top of my head. One was an ex husband, another my most recent ex. The other guy is inconsequential. With my ex husband, I gave him another chance. We weren't married when I found out, then we got married and found out he was still lying to me. We were doing relationship counseling and had had pre-marital counseling with the pastor at a church we attended regularly. I could never get over it and when I found out he was still lying to me. I said he could work on himself and we could try again. He moved states that weekend I told him that. I filed for annulment. My most recent ex was going onto craigslist trying to find people to have sex with. He said nothing happened, but I couldn't get over the fact that he would even do that. I tried to make it work for a few months after that and then one day just couldn't put up with it anymore. I asked him to leave. He moved out over the weekend and the next day I called him begging him to move back in. He was already talking to someone else at that point. They are still together from what I hear from our mutual friends. At that point I went no contact. It all worked out for the best and hindsight is 20/20. I met a wonderful man, who treats me how I deserve to be treated.

Since the thought of him being with someone new doesn't bother you, do you think that deep down you feel like he picked her over you, and that in getting back with him then it is sticking it to her...kind of showing her and yourself that you win and you're number 1? That he picked you over her? If it was me, I wouldn't get back with him for that reason. I would maybe do some free form writing on that subject to try and discover why I felt the need to feel bigger and better than her. Why I felt the need to proclaim myself higher in the hierarchy that her when it comes to his life. It took me a while, but I did finally have a profound thought. Why would I want to be the first pick of a cheater or sex addict?

Ksprizzle8g! I think you just distilled my problem perfectly in a way I couldn't materialize on my own!!!! That is exactly what it is. Holy cow! I am bringing your post to my therapist tomorrow. That is it 100%. I guess I'm more messed up than I thought. It isn't about my love for him it's about my anger about her and my feeling of inadequacy that the affair brought out. She is younger , prettier (gorgeous actually) and completely smug to me about how she got my husband to do what he did. It didn't work out for her as he wants me back, not her, but I am afraid if I tell hi off he will go back to her and she will win. But she would be winning a cheater. I really need to work on this one.

:D You got this!

I don't believe it's really jealousy that you are feeling with the other woman. I believe it's your being territorial. You have every right to feel that way. She didn't belong in your marriage in the first place. It does make us all wonder what type of person she really is so that we don't become like her.
I also have to say that there are a lot of married couples that remarry each other. It does sound as though you have a tight bond with your husband. Don't allow anyone else to dictate to you who you should or shouldn't be with. They don't have to live your life. I stayed with my husband simply because he is my husband. We are closer than we've ever been before! Good luck it's not an easy choice but the choice is all yours to make.

Thanks Deb. I have not gotten a lot of support from my friends in the "make up your own mind" department. But they've never been in my shoes so it's easy for them to say leave the bum behind. If they caught their perfect mate of decades had had an emotional affair I often wonder what they would really do. Everyone on this site is amazing, supportive and non judgmental , thank you!!!!