Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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cmonge 04/08/2013

Divorce and separation are so common we forget how devastating the effects are on kids. My own are 17 and 20 but still reeling just from hearing that we are separating. Not even divorcing. I found my daughter crying in her car. They are both so very sad, and I want to spare them this pain. I am sure they find this hard to believe since our marriage was so good. We had fun. We did family things. Trips, boating, dinner almost every night. Me and H spent 95% of time together outside of work. I think they suspect the reason, although it has not been spelled out. My H keeps telling them this is temporary but I can't promise that!!! I wish I could. I think he is delusional. If there were a fix, would it not have happened by now? My heart hurts more to see their pain than my own.

neverceases 04/08/2013

I don't know if you can spare them the pain because divorce is very painful to children, no matter how old they are.

I think the best you can do is be honest with them without adding additional commentary. For example, you mentioned that you think they might know what's going on. If they ask you, it's best not to perpetuate the betrayal by lying to them. You don't have to add any unnecessary adjectives (scumbag or whore spring to mind) but if they come right out and ask you if their dad is having an affair, I think they will be more hurt if you try to protect him. Just convey the message in a business like manner without insulting him and don't give them more information than they ask for.

Sending support

deleted_user 04/08/2013

Sadly, there is no way to spare them the pain. The best course at this point is open communication and honesty. Like you, their lives have been changed forever and there is no going back.

The "fix" wont happen over night. Once things have been discovered, each day is another step forward towards healing, but where you will end up is still anyone's guess. Be there for your kids and they will get through this. Mine were 17 and 19 and knew everything. It was pretty obvious and kids are really observant any way.

Temporary.... permanent......, it will all work itself out over time so dont feel like you have to have all the answers today.

thralkr 04/08/2013

Mine are too young to understand, but I know how you feel about wanting to protect your kids. Unfortunately, parents can't spare their kids life's downs as much as we want to. You have to have faith that you did a good job of raising them with the strength to weather life's downs. And let them know you are there for them no matter what.

gina666 04/08/2013

My daughter had just come home from school when I found out and it was bad.I wasn't in my right mind and told her.She didn't talk to my H for a couple months.I so wish I could take that day away.

deleted_user 04/08/2013

My son is only seven and we stated the typical, "mom and dad are just not getting along right now..." He has said a few times that he doesn't understand because we never fight. I don't feel he is capable of understanding infidelity, but at the same time I feel he deserves a better explanation.

cmonge 04/09/2013

Thralkr, you are so right, I can't protect my kids from life's pain, when they don't make a basketball team, or go through their own breakup, but somehow I do feel I could avoid this for them, but of course that would mean me suffering for a long time, and giving up a part of myself to allow my H to continue cheating. Sigh.....

Ponder518, I agree your son is pretty young to know the details, but if you do get divorced, then it is probably appropriate to tell him. A counselor advised me not to tell the reasons unless we actually divorced, because if we stay together, they both have a skewed idea that its somehow alright, or will hate their father.

deleted_user 04/09/2013

I was a teenager when I walked in on my father tickling another woman at work. I immediately told my mother. Kids are tougher than you think. Of course, it's sad, very sad. But it's better they know. Enough with the secrets.

deleted_user 04/09/2013

They are old enough to know what is going on. Sometimes it is easier when the story is out there. They will find out eventually.

Allora 04/10/2013

Something to remember is that sparing pain from someone is often cheating them out of an opportunity to learn and grow.

Just some food for thought.

pinkpony66 04/10/2013

I told my kids especially since they had a sibling. Secrets will destroy relationships in a slow ans steady manor. The truth hurts but atleast you know what you are dealing with.

deleted_user 04/10/2013

More detail; They will be hurt more the longer it goes. They are hurt right now and they don't know who to listen to. They are naturally going to side with one of you, so the more informed their decision is the better. Don't wait until they are over the hurt of the divorce just to hurt them again with the A. He hurt all of you, but the sooner you all open up, the sooner you all start to heal.

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