Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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Confused2013 02/10/2015

Hi there. I am seeking advice and hoping you can help. I am dating this guy who has been cheated on by his ex. He clearly has walls built up by his own admission. He is a really great guy and I am willing to show him he is worth so much more than his ex gave him.

I have read a lot on how to have a healthy relationship with someone who has been cheated on and so far everything I have read has been right on.

My question is, how do I know if he is ready? Are there signs, or specific things. For example, he shares everything with me, he has gone from not wanting to plan into the future to agreeing we will do things in the future. Things he does and says make me feel like he is in this but sometimes it's almost like he gets too far in and gets scared and backs off and repeats this cycle every so often.

I really want this guy to see he is worth it but I'm afraid if I say anything too deep it will scare him off. Is there a good way to talk to. Him without scaring him off?

All that I have read said to be patient, take things one day at a time, re-assure him and I'm doing those things. It also said not to expect rewards right away, but when they do open up it is great. I want that with this guy and I'm willing to wait but want to know what to look for to know we are moving in the right direction.

Thank you for your time reading this and any advice you can give is very much appreciated.

Confused2013 02/10/2015

One other thing. He did also tell me recently that he is not going anywhere. I guess because he is scared of commitment and nothing is definitive with regard to "relationship status" i.e., boyfriend/girlfriend, despite us doing everything a boyfriend/girlfriend does and it gets a bit confusing.

is it safe to go with what his actions are verses what he is saying. I know actions speak louder than words and I'm hoping that is the case.

daddyrocs 02/10/2015

Think of him like a best friend that has gone through a very emotional hardship. If he is worth the time then just be there for him to talk or let him vent. He is still healing and doesn't need a girlfriend right now......he needs a close friend.

In the end you may just be very good friends or maybe more but you have to be willing to invest the time to find out. Unfortunately there are a few that never heal completely.

arrabella 02/11/2015

When I met my CS he was getting over his cheating x wife. I thought that he would never cheat on me because he knew how much it hurt. I did not know that he came out of that relationship feeling like a martyr. Martyrs are dangerous people sometimes. They are quick to see slights where none exist and it is hard for them to trust that they are really loved. I hope this is not the case with this man. Had I known that my H was judging me by his past experiences with her I might have been able to avoid disaster. He is a conflict avoid er and he kept it to himself. Proceed with caution please.

Lenoire 02/11/2015

Yes, proceed with caution is good advice. He has walls up and you should consider protecting yourself as well. What you're doing sounds wonderful and it's obviously working. My word of caution is to give freely but don't go overboard with your efforts, let it happen naturally.

It may take him years before he can feel secure enough to plan his entire future with you, and even then, he can have triggers. Keep your expectations to a minimum and stand strong in who you are, don't make allowances that leave you feeling vulnerable.

It sounds like things are going well, and that's a great sign.

I wish you well.

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