Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
On my 34th Anniversary I saw the proof of what I had been suspicious of since November 2014. My husband has been cheating and lying to me about his online affair/emotional infidelity!
The signs were all there and I confronted him about it several times since my suspicions, but he flat out denied it and even made me feel like I was being paranoid and unfair about it all.
I could tell something was wrong because I could feel the wall that he was building between us. He became very negative towards me. I asked him why he was doing that several times. I even told him how I felt about his involvement with his "friends" on the chat rooms but he did not care. I even gave him a ultimatum of "its me or her I don't share!" He picked her obviously using me for the physical part of the relationship.
On my 34th Anniversary day I found all his love letters to this person that not only confirmed what I had suspected all these months but made me realize that it was sooooo much worse than I thought. He was not just chatting with her -- he was taking pictures of his privates and sending it to her, texting at all kinds of hours, giving her his schedule, planning on a meeting next spring, and even divorcing me to marry her!!!
I left to go stay with my daughter and he begged me to come back. He said he had given it all up and he would do whatever I wanted to get me back. I did come back after he agreed to my terms. You see he is in home dialysis and he needs me to take him to the doctors and what not. I am willing to do that except the intimacy part. However for some reason he thought that once I was back things would return to normal (whatever that is). His solution to all this is to forget it ever happened! I cannot do that.
I don't know what I want from this relationship right now. I am hurt, I feel betrayed, and sometimes I feel dirty. I don't believe anything he tells me. I also don't understand how he was sooo in love with this woman and now just like that give her up! I don't believe that he loves me anymore. I also found in his cell phone that just a few days ago he tried to call her.
How do I get past this? How do I put all the shattered pieces of my heart back together? I don't know...
The signs were all there and I confronted him about it several times since my suspicions, but he flat out denied it and even made me feel like I was being paranoid and unfair about it all.
I could tell something was wrong because I could feel the wall that he was building between us. He became very negative towards me. I asked him why he was doing that several times. I even told him how I felt about his involvement with his "friends" on the chat rooms but he did not care. I even gave him a ultimatum of "its me or her I don't share!" He picked her obviously using me for the physical part of the relationship.
On my 34th Anniversary day I found all his love letters to this person that not only confirmed what I had suspected all these months but made me realize that it was sooooo much worse than I thought. He was not just chatting with her -- he was taking pictures of his privates and sending it to her, texting at all kinds of hours, giving her his schedule, planning on a meeting next spring, and even divorcing me to marry her!!!
I left to go stay with my daughter and he begged me to come back. He said he had given it all up and he would do whatever I wanted to get me back. I did come back after he agreed to my terms. You see he is in home dialysis and he needs me to take him to the doctors and what not. I am willing to do that except the intimacy part. However for some reason he thought that once I was back things would return to normal (whatever that is). His solution to all this is to forget it ever happened! I cannot do that.
I don't know what I want from this relationship right now. I am hurt, I feel betrayed, and sometimes I feel dirty. I don't believe anything he tells me. I also don't understand how he was sooo in love with this woman and now just like that give her up! I don't believe that he loves me anymore. I also found in his cell phone that just a few days ago he tried to call her.
How do I get past this? How do I put all the shattered pieces of my heart back together? I don't know...
This site is great as you can read about how you are not alone, and no matter what you decide, we will be here for you
Start here: http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_YOUR_SPOUSE_HEAL_FROM_YOUR_AFFAIR--ljm2.doc
Have him read it... Go to MC.. You need him to do the work.. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG, HE DID
Esteni I am not sure if coming back was the right thing to do or not. I guess time will tell. You are right some days are better than others. And yea he acts like he is the hurt spouse not me sometimes.
CaliRN13 So far all we have done since I came back (2 weeks) is me tying to talk about it with him to try to understand how this happened but he just wants to forget.
No I have not talked to her but yes she knows about his Dialysis and all. He gave her his daily schedule so that she would not get mad if he was late for their chats.
Thanks for the link I will pass it on to him. He does not grasp how this has effected me. To him he is sorry and we should just go back to what it was before all this started! I can't do that.
It's a lot of years you have together, and you must be devastated, to say the least. Finding letters like that, after months of suspicion, and abusive behaviour, and realizing the severity of the situation, and the involvement in the affair, will be difficult to dismiss, and often leaves a permanent scar.
His desire to just wanting to "drop it and move on", at the very least says he's unremorseful, and at worst, a sign that the affair has gone underground. In these cases, the CS cools things off for a short while, and goes into stealth mode, online and with their phones, secretly maintaining connection. The OW often has strong feelings, powered by tales of woe, CS's often tell, and will want to continue with the affair.
The CS says and does all the things you need to believe it's over, but sometimes, an exit plan is imminent. Those letters say a lot about his current state of mind, and will be more accurate than anything that comes out of his mouth. He's desperate, now that he's been caught, and relies on you for hospital drives for his condition, not to mention all the rest you do.
You are an honorable woman to stay by his side. Getting past this will be a long and painful process, and that's only if he does break it off completely, immediately, is truly remorseful, and follows and honors the guidelines for reconciliation.
I wish you well.
Have him read this
He is not remorseful and as far as I can see he has not been in contact with her at least since I have been back. He did try to call her last week but she did not answer it. I keep his phone close to me. He has gone into stealth mode before so I am afraid this will be the same. I have cut off all the intimate stuff but he keeps trying to find ways to trick me into it - Not working.
I don't trust him, I don't want him touching me, I am not sure if I feel anything for this man anymore. He has betrayed and hurt me bad. He has tried to make me feel sorry for him by telling me that he has nightmares when he thinks of what he did and he can't sleep because of it. That did not work either because I told him "GOOD I am glad you are suffering over this"
But I don't believe anything that he tells me anymore. Every time that I start to give him the benefit of a doubt I find another betrayal that he is doing.
CaliRN13 I did give him that document but Idk if he has read it or not.
In any case, he was planning to divorce you? Sounds like this was him future taking her, but he had no intention of doing it.
Ha he really stopped the affair, or just hidden it better. How would you honestly know?
I don't like a cheater threatening suicide. It's just emotional blackmail.
It's a long time to be married, so I won't say to walk away , but unless he understands the impact of his actions, you'll not get over this and will be bitter and resentful for a long time.
Have him read around online and Google 'things a wayward spouse should do'
If he's not pulling his weight, I suggest you make a life for yourself and develop interests outside of the home and away from him.
Detach from him, until he proves he's worth it.
Start having evening out with friends
Spend quality time with family
Have done treats like a trip to the salon or a pamper day
Basically enjoy your life a d act like he doesn't exist while he shows no remorse.
The message is, I can live just fine without you. In fact it sounds like he needs you much more.
Spend more time away from home. Tell him your spending a week with your daughter to get away from things for a bit.
Let him manage his dialysis on his own for a week. Or go on a few days ladies spa break, to relax away from him and the home.
This is part of the 180. There's a lot more to it,, which you can look up online. It's to detach yourself from a cheating spouse and prepare for a life without them.
1. Make sure his life insurance is paid and up to date
2, STOP taking cheater to dialysis. He can find his own damn ride.
3. Collect the cheaters life insurance.
4. Find a decent man with MORALS
I agree with the other poster, threatening suicide, and telling you he has nightmares is blackmail, and a ruse to keep you by his side. As long as you stay, everything will be okay, and he believes he can somehow wriggle his way back to normalcy.
I concur with others, take leave for a week to your daughter's again, and let him call a cab, or arrange transit for his dialysis through the hospital, as most offer door-to-door transit services, for people with physical disabilities.
Let him know that if you find an iota of information that he's been talking to her, trying to call her, or carrying on, in any way, you're gone for good, because you're in control now. Tell him you have ways of finding out if he does, and leave him shaking in his boots. You can put a key logger on his computer, and you can check his phone call records against his phone, to see if he's deleted texts and call history. Any refusal to allow this, will tell you he's hiding something, because those who aren't hiding, will become completely transparent, remorseful, and understanding of the devastation they have caused you, your marriage, and your well-being.
You sound like a delightful person, who deserves to be with someone who cherishes you, who will never lie to you, or deceive you. Staying with someone because of emotional blackmail is wrong. And even though no one would ever want that on their conscience, I doubt he'd ever go through with it, because men who cheat, are cowards deep down.
It's so important to take care of yourself, right now, and do things that keep you grounded, like family, friends, etc. Be introspective with yourself. Don't excuse his behaviour on the promise of change. You need to see actions and evidence that's he's remorseful over what he's done, has stopped it altogether, is willing to devote himself to you, and is willing to wait until he can earn your trust back, however long that may take.
Wishing you well.
My heart is still in a million pieces but at least they are still all together. I am trying to keep my marriage and move on but its not easy. It does not take much to trigger all those feelings of betrayal and hurt.
My relationship with my H will never be the same, but for now if we can manage to live in some kind of peaceful harmony and as long as he does not cheat on me again, I believe that I can do it.
I still can't get any satisfactory answers about what he did to help me understand how this happened, but if I want to talk about it - we talk about it. I started a new job which gets me out of the apartment and among other people something that I needed desperately.
I know that if I have to live on my own that I will be fine. I also have the support of my children and family regardless what I do and that means a lot to me.
I don't really know how I feel about my H now but to me right its irrelevant. I am on Survival mode for now.
It saddens me and at the same time its comforting to see that I am not alone on this situation. I am sorry for all of us going through these betrayals and hurt but this is good that we can talk about it together. For that I thank you all from the bottom of my shattered heart.