A nice and balanced read. I think I could add a couple more reasons but they would still tend to fall in under your four to some degree, so I think you did a good job at summing it up.

To your first point though, there are folk who engage in premarital and promiscuous sex because they see nothing wrong with that but because they happen to be the faithful type when in love, they are faithful in their marriages. I know a small number of them.
But being one who was a virgin myself until marriage, I find it extremely difficult to cheat. It is not in my nature but above all, I view having sex with my hisband only as sacred before God.

When one's spouse cheats, the why's of it can be overwhelming, especially when there are no real answers. Most of the older writings seem to suggest that something must be lacking in the marriage and even lots of the modern writings still state that the betrayed spouse should take some of the responsibility for helping to cause the affairs. That is crazy in my view, because I know I did absolutely nothing to contribute to my husbands affairs and he would be the first to say so.

I think your article will help some betrayed spouses to at least start to wade through the muddle to understand the mess, and give some perspective. Good stuff Cole. Keep it up!

Hmmm
so I am curious about under what category you think my H would fall:

After the younger of our two kids finished college, moved out, and started working, I went to my H and said - We did a good job with the kids, they are on their own, now it's our time. We had our kids young, we were still young. He became more and more distant with me. I thought he was mourning the "loss" of the kids. I was celebrating! Little did I know, his plan for "our time" was to having an affair.

So what do you think?

I

I think that item numbers 3 and 4 fit into the same category as item numbers 1 and 2. It seems like numbers three and four are an attempt to justify items number 1 and 2.

Daledge,

I don't know whether that gives me enough info to classify his motivations, but I'd ask this question.

Does your H exhibit narcissistic a personality?
http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/narcissistic.htm

What would be his stated moral code based on comments and past history?

If you rule out both of those two, it is more likely the motivations fall under lacking fulfilling a need, either personal or relational, or a combination of both.

I would add, as I think I did in the article, that to some degree or another, it goes back to personal needs. Real or perceived, even if that is not the primary motivation.

Lovinsimple,

Thanks for your input.

I agree, just because someone is sexually promiscuous before marriage doesn't mean the *will* cheat once married. My point simply was having that moral code that having sex with whoever prior to marriage makes it harder to just turn that mode off, even if you plan to, or makes it easier to violate marriage vows if they justify "I'm just having a little fun on the side" if their view of sex is primarily recreational rather than marital.

But it certainly doesn't mean they will cheat. A lot depends on how strongly they hold to marital vows. But even then, one of the other reasons might play into it in that case. Bottom line, if having sex with someone other than your spouse, current or to be, is not seen as wrong in and of itself, it opens the vulnerability to cheating to be much higher.

But you can certainly find exceptions to that, just like you can find people like me that had need based motivations to cheat, but I intentionally didn't, even when presented with opportunity.

SheenRe,

I see what you are saying, and there is some truth to that. I differentiated them based upon primary motivations. IOW, someone who has a relational need, like not getting enough sex, if they had a strong moral code, is perhaps more vulnerable to an affair opportunity because of that lack, but their strong moral code may prevent them from allowing it to happen. But if they see nothing wrong with having sex with other people, it is only the marital vows keeping them from doing so, they become more vulnerable. Add in a belief that cheating is not wrong, and they are highly vulnerable.

In short, #s 1 & 2 will still be needs based, but those traits make it easier to seek fulfilling those needs outside the marriage because they see nothing wrong with sex outside of marriage itself.

When it becomes primarily needs based is when such a need is filled despite a moral code that says its wrong, or despite not be narcissisticly self-centered, usually. For example, Gabi did know what she was doing was wrong at some point, nor has she ever been narcissistic by anyone's definition.

But there is a sense that a narcissistic person is so based on fulfilling their own self-esteem issues. Likewise, a person who doesn't think sex outside of marriage is wrong may not seek it if they feel their needs are being adequately met by their spouse. So needs play into it. #s 1 & 2 are in some degree based upon 3 & 4. But 3 & 4 exist separate because they can be true without the involvement of 1 & 3.

Which is why I stated in that article, "The reasons for affairs are many and varied. Most involve complex emotional interactions rather than rational thought processes. We like to isolate one cause and point to it and say, "There! That's why he had an affair." However, it is often more complicated than one single facet and they frequently overlap."

Cole: You shared, "Add in a belief that cheating is not wrong, and they are highly vulnerable."

I do understand what you're saying. And, I also believe there are a multitude of plausible, if not reasonable, excuses as to why a person chooses to cheat. Though, in reality, there are none in my book. Absolutely, not one I can think of.

I know for instance though, that my H did not believe that "cheating is not wrong." I know that for sure, because I told him "well, if that's the kind of life you want, and it appears it is, then be prepared for me to do the same. Since I thoroughly believe you should never do to someone else what you don't want done to you, then I suppose you are A-ok with my seeking sexual gratification elsewhere too? If you don't want a committed, faithful, true marriage, then so be it. But, you will receive the same consideration that you offer me. However, I will give you the courtesy of knowing. Though that is not the way "I" have chosen to live my life, I "can" accomodate you if I "choose" to.

He began to cry like a wee kid. Hmmm? So, you seem to think that seeking sexual gratification with others is ok for you, but not for me? How is it different? Who does this activity serve? You seem to think, I want "you" to be true to me, and keep yourself "only" for me, but "I" deserve to gather some thrills elsewhere? Really? Not on my time you won't! Crying? Why? The "thought" is quite enough to set you to crying? Wanna try it for real? I'm not incapable. Not what I want! But, I'm likely to serve you some of your own medicine, and you can see if it helps you in some way? I know that it will end in divorce for me anyway, but you will have ample opportunity to see how it tastes? Dish it out? Have a bite yourself. Stop crying! Isn't this what you want? No? Why? When it came to me seeking sexual fun elsewhere, he couldn't think of a valid reason it would be ok. Hmmmmm.....

Seems like to me, it was quite ok for "him" to do, but not ok for me to do. So, I cannot reasonably conclude that he believed that cheating is ok. He believed that cheating is ok for "him." Seems like it is still a self-serving, self-gratifying, self-indulgent, self(ish) behavior on his part. He even had the wherewithall to finally admit that's true...at least in his case. I will give him kudos for that! At least the truth is a good thing. A decision, a valid decision, is a good thing too. So, I let himknow, best make one. And, best be willing to live with the results of those decisions. I'm one to provide you with absolute, undeniable, tangible results.

I think I "can" point to that "one" reason in my personal estimation. And that reason is selfishness. If they weren't selfish, if their personal needs were just not being met, then why not just say so? I'm pretty sure if my H came to me and said I need more sex, he'd get it. And, if he said to me, I need more personal time with you, I'm pretty sure he'd get it. In fact, if either spouse in this marriage was getting the short of end of sex or personal time, it was me, not him. It would likely have been much more sensible, if there is such a thing in this scenario, for me to cheat than for him to cheat.

But, here's the thing, "I" could not fulfill his "needs" no matter what I did, or did not do. His "need" was to explore other thrilling resources. HIs need was for thrills. He already had "me." His fantasies were his needs. I am not a fantasy. And, though I be a living, breathing example of a fantasy, I would become boring too. He was sooooo caught up in fantasy, he brought it into real life. Not a good ingredient? Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on the view, his fantasy got exposed to his reality. I got to see his fantasies, a real view into his internal workings. And, he got to see his reality, and view into real results.

I "really" knew the reason before I asked the repetitive questions about why. What other reason for infidelity is there than seeking a thrill?