wow, that feels like where I a trapped, one of the other things I have heard many times before holds me here as well....."most people quit the fight just before the break trough, so they do all of the work and give away the prize...." it is like when you go to the casino, and you keep playing the same slot machine, losing for hours, and you walk away and the next gut walks up puts in his first money pulls the lever and wins the jack pot....I am afraid to walk away and lose the jack pot, I have been "playing" this slot for years, I deserve to finally WIN the jack pot, but I feel like I am paying the taxes on something that is not a win

I can understand that comment and although I wish I didn't agree, I do. Although my husband didn't cheat...he has done some pretty aweful things to me. I have been working with him for 16 years (9 married + 7 dating) and it is exhausting. The only time he works on the problem is when I am set to pull the plug. My challenge is...at what point is enough, and looking back, will you regret you wasted the only life you have, being miserable because you are waiting for the turning point.

I am not saying I disagree...I am saying it is a struggle. The optimist in me wants to hold on to that quote, but the realist is saying...adjust your sails and find someone who would not treat you like that...who thinks the world of you and would never hurt you like that.

Distance-

I am curious about your take on the article. I mean do you agree with it? I know you are rebuilding but from what I've read your W blameshifted and continues to do so even now. At what cost to you does making your relationship work worth if she is not " all in?"

Should it be all on the BS to make it work? And what if the CS is all in? Is it wrong as a BS to have deal breakers that you cannot compromise on? Personally I think the CS turned their back on a damaged relationship and chose not to grow up and face the terrible responsibility ( or at least half ) for making the relationship work.

Who knows maybe this comment is for a CS. Food for thought.

neverceases - very good question. Yes i do agree with it whole heartedly.
Right now the only person paying a cost is me. If i were to let it go and turn my back to her, than the ones paying the cost are our kids. One of the things that i need to accept is that it happened, and no matter the circumstances she is not going to accept her responsibility in it. And as long as i push for her to take responsibility the more she is going to push back with finding more ways to hurt me.
There are some aspects of our relationship that are good, some that are not good. And as long as our kids are not paying the cost of our issues, then it is totally worth my responsibility in doing what i can to make the relationship work.
Do i think that the BS should shoulder all the responsibility? no not at all. however if the CS is not willing to do their share of the work and the BS wants to keep trying, than the BS has to shoulder more work. The same goes the other way, if the CS wants it to work and the BS is not trying, than the CS needs to shoulder more work.

Both options sux when you have kids. If you don't have kids and you disengage from the situation you can look at the situation and say - who was I really with? I can find someone better.

When you have kids its a different suckyness. There's no more team - its a total solo mission mainly. If something goes wrong in the house - its a solo mission taking care of everything. I have my GF and she helps out a lot and wasn't able to have kids so I am very lucky I have her.

Staying would sux too cause you would be saying ok - you can go over here - do your thing and I would take care of everything and I will be ok with it.

I never wanted to not see my kids of a second - she knew this - and did crazy because of depression - resentment - upbringing - stupid.

In the end these people are beyond broken and beyond selfish - wheres a crystal ball when you need one.

I read this not too long ago while skimming through some articles that psychologists did a study on divorcees and discovered that the amount of anger and rage that 40% of them felt was equivalent to that of a homicidal murderer.

That says a lot right there about the amount of hurt caused in such situations. I've read that losing a marriage to divorce is like experiencing a death in many ways.

I can add this:

losing a marriage to divorce is like a death "each week" when you have children because you are reminded (if you have 50/50 custody) that you do not have your kids with you all the time because of this sitution.

If I didn't have kids I would be glad I found out I was with a broken mess and be able to just concentrate on finding someone else. The CS would have the honor of knowing they are the cheaters and go around expecting that to happen to them (what goes around comes around) - again if kids werent involved - I would have to deal with her - ever again.

When someone dies - they are dead pretty much once (one time). You mourn them - wish they were around (if you loved them) - but when you have children its as if someone died every week.

I live in an area where there are a lot of divorced people (never realized it but yes) and I would always see these people just enter their house and not talk to anyone thinking they aren't that nice of people but I now think its because they probably think they are failures for a failed marriage even though they probably were the ones cheated on - at least the ones I have talked to. They were the ones dumped or cheated on.

I have to figure out some way to keep my anger in check.
I thought I did grow up and I have already faced bitter truths.My H needs to grow up and realize the consequences of his actions.I wanted to be his wife,not his mother..

One thing to think about is the divorce would be difficult for the kids but what will they learn about how to have relationships if you didn't leave? They know the tension exists, they know that something is wrong. What will that show them about how adults have relationships and how they should act in their own adult relationships. I have noticed some of my adult relationships dysfunction in my son and it breaks my heart. I talk with him in the hopes that he will move beyond those issues and have better relationships. No judgment here for sure! But sometimes the long term consequences are something to consider.

I thought that divorce was bad, I have survived two(and been through the court process three times, I let my second husband come back after he wanted out, you know "everyone deserves a second chance") but this affair....from the one I trusted most out of the three....I wish someone was dead, HER, because the first night she may have been kind of a victim, vulnerable because she had just been with her stbX who cheated on her for two years and ended the marriage, and my H/CS preyed upon her weakness for his pleasure, still her CHOICE to have sex with a married stranger after only a couple of hours of conversation, I mean a lie fest to fuck....but her choice should have been to NOT engage, as should that of my HCS to NOT ENGAGE(FUCK HER) HE SHOULD BE DEAD, that is what he deserves...so he can't use or hurt anyone ever again....and I wish I were dead because this will haunt my everythought for the rest of my life, and now he is trying desparately to "sweep it all under a rug", gets mad at me all the time because I won't let it go, can you say TRIGGERS.....he bought me a 20 game season ticket package to the pro baseball team in out area, I love baseball, he proposed on the score board of my favorite team...so he thought that was a good gift for post affair anniversay....almost every one of the dates we have are trigger dates, their first fuck, their second fuck, all of their long converations in themiddle of the night that HE initiated and he says well why don't YOU use those date of the games to change the memmory back to a good one, REALLY.... lets see HE lied to her to fuck her on May 25 vs whatever team, HE called her in the middle of the night instead of me to talk for hours and have phone sex vs whatever team.....HE JUST DOES NOT GET IT, why because he doesn't FEEL it, what he did and what it did to me.....Sorry WILL THIS EVER STOP TRIGGERING SO FKIG BAD THAT I RANT AND RAVE until it stops hurting or I am exhausted, where was I, oh yeah death, BETTER, mourn, and live....divorce and cheating live in agony forever

I think long term plan wise - as it pertains to realtionships - my STBX learned how to deal with realtionships from her parents - she would even criticize her own mother for not leaving her father when her mother found out he was cheating on her for 3 years.

So this is actually what happened there - mother finds out about A - father throws the A in her face and my STBX kicks her father out of the house - because father would spend the week with the mother and kids then leave on the weekends to be with the AP. Awesome father - where does he learn this from - his dad...

Nice right? so my STBX kicked him out of the house and for 3 years after being kicked out the A continued and the mother cried everyday and couldnt eat. AP finally leaves father and takes all his money - and father comes crawling back to the mother and the mother takes him back (after 6 total years with this AP)

That is what she learned from her father and mother. O yea and they are supposed to be super catholics.

What did I do - I found out about the A - tried to save the family - came to a very hard realization that my STBX is obessed with this loser and wants to relive history - I mean relive stupid.

So I disengaged with her as best as I could/can having 2 children with her who are 4 and 7.

So I guess I am showing by example to my sons - what not to put up with. Unlike her mother.

that is one of my fears is that I am teaching my sons, and granddaughters that what he did is ok and they will just accept it, and now more than ever because he is NOT doing all he could do, he is not talking to them about it he is not showing he HAS TO FIX THIS AND MAKE IT RIGHT, sadly he thinks that he is, but he can't even make the decission to change, he still wants his cake and he wants to keep eating it because it is "FUN"....WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, WHY IS THIS SO HARD TO DO, if he REALLY wanted this and to make up for what he has done to me and to so many others he WOULD be DOING M O R E

shegavehim -

If I was you - I would "map" out on paper what it means for him to "get it right" draw a line in the sand and tell him - this is what I "need" from you.

If I don't get that - you will be getting papers for divorce.

If he is not getting it - show him the light - if he doesnt do it - show him the door.