for me its been 5 years the knife is stil in there since one of the affairs was with my best friend we tried to work through it finally said one of us has to move

I'm 5 months and trying to work through it. So not much words of wisdom. Only you can decide how you feel. I often ask myself the same questions. I keep hope in the few success stories out there bit it's a long long way. It's a fine line I find between slowly slipping back in the past routine vs constantly working on improving the relationship. The past is gone and poisoned. New good memories have to be made.
No-one can blame you for leaving at any time if you just don't feel it anymore.

Yes. You have to process and let go of your old relationship/memories as well as the person you thought you knew in her.

7 month isn't long yet and there probably aren't many good memories and you are still trying to get to know the person she really is and is becoming through growth.

Part of moving on is realizing that nothing goes back to the way things are. There will be a loss of innocence in the relationships but on the flip side you realize that fairytales don't exist and your wife or anyone else you decide to be with will disappoint you in some way.

Pain fades slowly even if she is doing everything to change and help you heal. Just make sure you are truly processing your pain and trying to forgive daily.

We all thing about leaving them, because it really is as much they deserve. However, some give chances to TRULY REPENTANT spouses and it shows strength and character to do that.

The most difficult thing my wife struggles with is wondering when she's earned the trust back. She knows she is committed. She has made changes. She has tremendous regret for her thoughts and her actions. But she feels I should be just as convinced as she is. It is different on our side of the fence. There are constantly triggers that torment us. At first the agonizing pain blindsides when you least expect it. A bad morning may mean vivid playbacks of encounters real or imagined resulting in heartwrenching crying in the shower. Later seeing her on her phone will flood you with insecurities and fears of whom she is messaging. Is she looking for another replacement?

Sorry for the specific examples, but yeah I know this journey all too well. It does get easier but never easy. I don't know how many years it takes.

Having said that, I have to say my decision to push through the difficulty and pain is the best I could have made. The rewards have been far greater than the suffering. It depends on the communication between you and she and your attitude about what you will focus on. I highly recommend couple counseling but it is all part of the process and not something that will suddenly produce immediate results. My children, my love for my wife, and my faith keep me taking the next step forward even when I want to stop and be totally self centered.

Keep your chin up. If you feel overwhelmed, then cry with conviction. I will pray for strength and vision for you.

That is some good, sound advice. I wish I had the strength and positivity to see the possibilities. Right now I am still blinded by anger and hurt. I have the same questions running through my head. If it's not going to be the same, will it ever be good enough?? Of are we destined for a marriage filled with strife and doubt?
My husband too has been doing everything he can to try and salvage the marriage, but I've built so many walls to protect myself. Leaving is always a thought in my mind. I had the paperwork drawn up and it's just sitting here. Therapist tells me not to make any life changing decisions now. Like you, I'm searching for the clarity to make the right choice. Still searching, still waiting.

The thing is that 50% of the people out there likely will cheat on you.

If the person you are with repents, changes and learns what love actually is then it can make sense to forgiven and reconcile.

The alternative is getting rid of the cheating spouse and taking the gamble again with someone new. Even in the new relationship you will wonder if he is a cheater, now that your eyes are opened to the commonality of it all.

If they are doing everything right then I would hold off since it's been 2 months. You can always decide later on.

You have to look at behavior. My spouse changed nothing so I got suspicsious again and found out he was up to his his cheating ways so I have no choice but to leave. I have a child and was willing to give every chance possible to make it work. If she is really trying hard and every bone in your body feels the affair is over and she is making the effort- I say stay and forgive.

Yep, if they are doing everything to be a good spouse and help you heal + there is a kid involved the best scenario is to stay and forgive.

It's not for the spouse, it is the love for the child. You can teach your child/children that people can repent and change and that you can forgive and reconcile.

There aren't many success stories after adultery, so you have to seize the ones that can be.

DDay for me is tomorrow. New Year’s Day. We’re still together. I trust that she’s not communicating with him but I’m still feeling ptsd from the shock and heartache. Memories flood back. And our home life / kids is the same as it was before the affair. I told her she needs to help create a new relationship. I need something to build on. Often times it seems she’d just rather look forward and pretend nothing happened. When she loses her temper with our kids and swears around them I start thinking about life apart. I just hate the stress we have. I love the good times but massively hate the bad times. Sometimes she will have bad nights. Emotional nights. She tears up. Cries in my shoulder. Says she’s sorry over and over. I feel like I’m gaslighting her when I’m down and it brings her down too. I feel guilty with my emotions and I should be putting on a braver face. I don’t think it will ever be the same as it was before kids before we married. Our 20s are gone. Poisoned. I have to look through her affair to ever look at our past relationship. It’s like a pink elephant in my past. An asterisk in my life. A mark on my late 30s that has forever changed me. Sometimes I want to leave. I know that it’s just as hard trying to build trust with someone new who I don’t know their history. My wife cheated. My wife lied. My wife killed who I was. My wife killed my friendships with others who feel I should have walked away. I often think would it be easier to date someone new who was also possibly cheated on that way we’d both know the heartache and both would never do that to another. A new page turns tonight at midnight. Can I make it another year? I don’t know.

RE: Patrick57

I'm half a year ahead and I have found that the 2 holiday seasons were difficult for me as well.

When I get down she feels down as well. We talked and she cried and apologized again.

The betrayed has a down period and feels resentful toward the cheater. The repentant cheater feels bad for the things he/she has done to the spouse. The betrayed sees the brokenness of the cheating spouse and has sympathy for them as well.

This may happen over and over but I don't think it is gas lighting unless you don't move from resentment to sympathy during your discussion and apology.

I would say this is actually an important part of the healing process and allows openness and processing of the pain through dialogue and communication.

Done right it allows empathy to be given and accepted in a shared understanding.

There is a deep scar that tears easily and when you remnants of the person they were during the affair you get doubts on change and progress. Just keep communication open with your spouse and try to air it out before it starts to cause doubt/resentment.