Hi Quick

Just my opinion but surely she should of been focusing more on the family that needs her than her own needs/wants.
I cant imagine going through that with your children it must be truly awful but to me when you have kids there needs always take priority over anything else.
I am sorry I cant tell you how to get over the issues (which are not silly that was something you cherished and she spat on)

This probably wouldn't of helped you in the slightest but I had to say something.
Maybe mc could help you two get close again and over time you will find new things to do together that you can be proud of.

Sorry if I have offended you in anyway its just my 2 cents

Hi Quick,

I can one-up-you in that we were both virgins when we got married, and kept it exclusive for 28.5 years before my wife had affairs with two men over a 7 month period. So I know of what you speak. I was proud of the fact that we were totally exclusive with each other. Felt that was something special we shared together than no one else had ever partook of.

That loss is one of the things that devastated me about the affairs. It was like she had given away our prized treasure to a stranger who didn't deserve it.

Have you ever read about or studied the 5 stages of grief? It describes the general stages one goes through in grieving over a significant loss. I've written up a piece about it in relation to infidelity

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/3869850

I reached a point where I came to the acceptance that it was gone. No way to unring that bell. I could spend my life lamenting that fact, but it is what it is, and accepted it and moved on looking to the future. Do I still grieve over that loss? Yes, but it is more of a glance in the rear-view mirror kind of thing that a constant in-my-face thought.

Of course, that is all in the context of a wife who was fully repentant and did what she needed to do both in fixing herself and helping me to heal. It wasn't easy getting over that, but if she hadn't done what she did, it would still be a bigger deal today than it is.

Dday was 4 years and 2 months ago for me. I went through a depression over it all around 9 months after dday before coming to acceptance. You're time line may differ, even significantly. I got over it faster than most people will. But we are now happily married still. Rebuilding went well even if there were some bumps along the way. Part of that was coming to acceptance that what happened, happened. Neither of us can go back and change that. So if we wanted to move forward, one key was coming to terms with that loss for myself. I don't like it, wish it had never happened and we still had that special "no one else has shared in this" sexual relationship. But that's impossible now. All I can do is accept it is gone and move forward.

I describe a lot of that in my book. Hang in there.

if you to focus on eachother you will have a lot stronger relationship. It sounds like you guys have had a tough row the last few years. And I am glad you admit you have let things go. it is that acknowledgement that helps the healing.
If you seek counseling help, be open to hearing her side, do not accept her blaming you, but hear out her issues as well.

Thank you all for the helpful words.

@Cole50 That was a great read I appreciate it.

We are wanting to seek counseling but it is a bit difficult right now. although I work for a company with good benefits, we still spend around $10k a year dealing with all the medical issues. So adding the cost of counseling without taking from our kids is difficult.

That said, she is repentant and seems to be willing to work through this in whatever way we need to.

your wife is the C-word, jeopardizing her kids stability

does she grasp the landmines she has planted for her kids?

you are dealing with a sick woman, a monster, or something i can't say

get your shit together, get a lawyer, get a detective, get tested for stds,

think long and hard about when the line is, that once she crosses it, you will get away fro her

i am so sorry for your children
i am so sorry for you
i am sorry for your wife (if she is sick and she may be)

your children have one thing going for them
you
so get your shit pulled togegther

Books are an affordable alternative to counseling. Cole can list some of best ones. He wrote a book on healing his own marriage as well. Being betrayed is difficult enough as it is but when its done during a time that a couple should be bonding closer it adds a whole new dimension. Part of my H affair was during my 3rd pregnancy. I still cringe inside when I look at pictures from my pregnancy if he's in them.

It sounds almost as if your W went through some shirt of reality escape/mental breakdown. Im not making excuses but just wondering if her A's were her (messed up and wrong) way of coping with all that was going on with your children.

Many books are available on cd that can be listened to while driving to work. You could both read the same book, agree on what chapter to read up to then schedule weekly talks about the chapters read. Discuss how it made you feel and anything else it prompts you to discuss.

You could also limit these talks to 1 hour to avoid things getting "ugly".

our therapist told us to limit serious talks to 20 minutes. But we were 5 years past dday .

One of the key books I'd recommend, primarily for the CS though good for the BS too, is "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda McDonald. This is key because she will need to do the bulk of the work to address the issues that allowed her to go there. You'll be able to move forward better as you become more assured she is taking steps mentally and practically to avoid any further incidences of cheating. Your job will primarily be, aside from working through your own grief, giving her the space to make things right, or prove that she's not up to the task.

Another great book for both of you is "Surviving an Affair" by Willard Hartley, Jr. And I would recommend the classic, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

Ideally, make some time reading to each other out loud. That provides opportunities to stop and discuss points brought up. We tended to have some car time together often, so she read books to me while I drove.

But if not possible to carve out that time, read independently, but find a time to discuss what you've read. It's a good practice to write down questions or thoughts as you read that you want to discuss during that time.

There's more books I've recommended on my blog. PM me if you'd like a link to that article.

There are more ways for this to go wrong than right, so it is important to get whatever help you need to navigate these rough waters. But it can be done if you're both committed to making it work. If either of you isn't, then rebuilding isn't likely to succeed.

I know how scary it is at first. Everything seems to be up in the air and you don't have any idea how it will all fall back into place. The rest of life comes to a screeching halt. When you do try to get other things done, it is hard to stay focused on it. I don't know how many times I realized I was staring blankly at my computer screen at work. It's a wonder I got anything done. My mind dwelt constantly on the affairs and trying to process them. It was mind numbing.

Take it one day and one step at a time. This will be a marathon, not a sprint. No quick fixes. Expect healing to happen over years, not months or weeks. But it can happen. May you both find the path to marital happiness.

I'm right there with you. I've always been there for my wife, yet after 22 years & 2 kids, she cheats on me? Especially since she's the one who never wants sex, yet she lets these 2 guys (brothers) do whatever they want? After doing some reading, you need to get everything out in the open. I'm preparing to do this & I've got the proof so I know if she tries to lie.

After I confronted her, it was all about her needing to think & decide about what to do. My feelings & needs were never dealt with & it's eating at me. It's not a good way to lose 15 pounds.

Check into your employer & see if they have something like an Employee Assistance Program. They do where I work & it's free.

Good luck.