Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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Help me Please

Kim1963
Kim1963
 




I googled on line support groups and this site came up. I am a lesbian and I am a wreck but I know what is going on and I know what I should do, its just so hard to walk away when you really love someone. My wife and I were married 12 years. Best 12 years of my life and I thought our lives. Nothing made me ever think otherwise. 2 years ago my wife met a much younger(28 year old that still lived with mommy and daddy manipluating person) and our downward spiral started. The 28 yr old wanted my life and everything in my life including my wife and she got it. My wife left me for this other person and about a month later came back and said what a terrible mistake she made and I took her back. 3 months later she tells me she cannot stop thinking about this other girl and leaves me again. This time we got a divorce, she moves out and in with this person and 2 weeks after the divorce was final they had a physical altercation(the young girl hit her) and my ex left her again and came back again. Once again I took her back because she said all the right things. She hated this other girl, could not stand her, manipulated her to no end, my ex lost all her friends and family and everyone told her at the time-don't do this you will regret it and everyone told her I was her soulmate but she did not listen to anyone and had to go out and do this to put it behind her.




This was Jan 2019. We had a great summer and started working on trust and rebuilding and taking baby steps. Well Oct rolls around and I am blind sided with-my ex is not feeling the spark with me and the other girl is back once again and she cannot stop thinking about her again. Once again my ex has decided to end things with me and move out and in with this other girl again. She truly believes this girl has completely changed in the past 6 months and is a different person now. No matter what I say it doesn't matter at all-she has decided




So we are at a point where she wants to stay best friends with me(yes I am naturally a care taker and I took care of everything for 12 years, why wouldn't she) and I told her she cannot have us both. She chose her so I am done. She turned it around to be I am making the choice not to be friends and she is very upset by my decision. I am not trying to make her make a romantic choice as I think that ship has sailed but if she was single and doing all the stuff she said she was going to do-like get her life together, stand on her own two feet, take care of herself and be single like she said she wanted to then I would have no problem being friends but that is not what she is going once again. 




My heart and stomach ache. I truly thought we would be together forever. I am 55 and she is 48 and we had so many plans for the future. Our friends all say walk away she doesn't deserve me in her life but its so hard. It was us for 12+ years and how do you fill that daily hourly hole this person was a part of? Its been one day of not talking and it feels like a lifetime. 




Not only is she losing me but she is also losing family and friends because no one that we know can stand this other person and will never accept her in to any of our lives for what she did to "us" and they have lost all respect for my ex as well. 




NonJeNe
NonJeNe
Not advice so much as a "we hear you". I know how important this site has been to me and I especially don't like to think of folks who are new and newly posting and don't feel heard.

I'm sorry for what happened to you, at this time of year and at this time of life. I understand - in various ways and through various experiences - what you mean about how hard it is to walk away and about the hole in your heart, life and day. One time, the only way I got through it was by reading the entire "Master and Commander" series non-stop, fortunately going on jury duty for three weeks and then crying at my desk (I worked in a 4 person "bull pen" at the time . . .) in front of supportive co-workers when I came back to work.

FWIW, I do agree that you should keep your distance from your ex. At least for awhile. This, even though it has been a slow rolling disaster, is really all so new and fresh for both of you. And I'm afraid you'll end up being used and hurt again if you don't establish a boundary here. But if you cant, no judgement! Sounds like you are safe and not being financially victimized or anything else. So if you can only back it a few days, maybe more next time! Anyway, no judgment. I hope that your ex can have some empathy and sympathy for the pain you are going through and understand that the best thing she can do for you right now is give you space. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you knew, especially before the weekend, that you had been heard and that someone cares and wishes you the best. Hang in there!
StormPetrel
StormPetrel
How much more of this can you endure? Mourn what you have lost and move on. This is not the only person you can love. This is not the only person who can love you. What you have been through is abuse.

Your ex needs to get herself in therapy. A few sessions might help you as well.
This has been traumatic for you and you have to be realistic about your recovery. Stay busy. See friends. Even if you don't feel like it.
Kim1963
Kim1963
I am in therapy and its helping a lot. My ex will never get in therapy as she doesn't believe anything is wrong with her. I honestly think she is narcissistic, bipolar and she does have ADHD but wont get meds. This is the 3rd time she has left and each time I do get stronger.
Oh yes I am in a financial mess because she left ssns left all the bills behind
I do appreciate all the responses from people who really understand.
calirn13
calirn13
I am sorry for your loss. You cannot grieve if the person keeps popping in and out of your life. Time, it takes time. Block her number. Do not give her access to you.
Us caretakers are usually the ones who get hurt.
Stay strong!

Relationships are all the same no matter the dynamic. Hurt is hurt.
Kim1963
Kim1963
I am really struggling. How can someone u have been with for 12 years and put them on a pedestal and done everything for them choose to throw that away and go back to someone that was physically abusive to them and manipulated the crap out of them? How does that make sense? How do u make sense of any of this?
RDavis
RDavis
I know the emptiness you are feeling. You will never be able to convince her of her mistake. And no...it doesn't make sense. You will drive yourself nuts trying to force it to. You have to create some space. You did the right thing by making her choose. All you can do now is try to mend the damage that's been done. It will take strength and courage. I wish they sold that on Amazon because I'd buy some myself. I was married 13 years and it all went away in the span of 3 weeks. Stay strong.
Kim1963
Kim1963
So my ex has not told anyone what is going on. I am the one telling our friends when I see them. How can she not tell our friends what is happening since they still think we are together and everything is great. Every time I tell one of our friends, my ex gets mad at me and says "what did you tell them". I tell them all the same-we are not together anymore, my ex has moved out, my ex needs to get her life in order and her "ow" is back in our lives once again. My ex is ok with the first 3 statements but does not feel I should be telling people that the ow is back. Why not? You left me for the 3rd time the second the ow showed up again. I am the one that ends up feeling bad when I tell our friends the truth because she gets so mad at me. None of our friends will be friends with her because they all hate the ow and she knows that. So what am I supposed to lie and make them think we are still together and there is no ow?
RDavis
RDavis
I am literally going through the exact same thing with my wife. There is one simple reason why she does not want you to tell the truth. That reason is shame. She knows what she is doing is wrong. My wife was livid that I told my two grown kids what is going on. I got the exact same line of "what did you tell them?" Simple answer is that I told them the truth. Cheaters desperately want this decision to be a "we" decision. It's not. It's about their choices. I will never say that my wife and I decided to split up. I was not involved in that decision. You need to be honest with yourself and others about exactly what happened. The reason why she did this is irrelevant.
Kim1963
Kim1963
RDAVIS-I refuse to lie about any of it. I got no say in anything and I never chose to split up or for her to cheat-3x. Never, not once. This will never be we
Paloma
Paloma
My son and I love rereading Little Prince...you are responsible for those you tame,Fox said. I don't know why people you live choose to hide, keep dirty secrets,lie. If something is wrong, tell me, right? We will work on that. If you feel like you don't want this life anymore, be a man, or have the decency to tell me. Don't bring dirt into the family. I have always wanted a family. A happy family.
Anyway......Lots of support to all of you guys.
Kim1963
Kim1963
I am really hurting and finding it near impossible to let her go. I just sit and wait for her to call and say hi. We may talk for 2 minutes a day but that seems enough to get me to the next day. What the hell is wrong with me? I don't make plans with friends because what if she calls and has time to do something with me. I may miss an opportunity. For the past 2 weeks we have spent alot of time together and its been really nice. I was on a high. Come to find out yesterday the OW was away for 2 weeks. She is now back and I am sloppy seconds. All my friends are sick of hearing the same thing day in and day out-I can't walk away. That feels so much more painful. My ex is holding on to me because she is not sure what the hell she is doing and is confused. Yes I know she has choosen the OW but she has twice before and came back.
I know what I need to do-move on and take care of me. Enjoy my friends, do fun things and get my spirit back but it feels impossible to do
Kim1963
Kim1963
She calls every morning to say good morning. This morning I broke down to cried and told her I miss her and love her. She said the same to me. She said it will be ok. We will get through this. There will be ups and downs. What does that mean? We will get through it and be friends or we will get through it and be back together after her whatever with the OW? I over analyze everything she says