Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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/ Infidelity Support Group

help me out ...

duster
duster

Wife cheated, not really much to say about that, that's why we're here right. Anyway, she's very remorseful and really is doing everything she can (support, individual counseling, agreeing to some rules) to try and repair our relationship. I am as well, seeking individual help, through therapy, and here; I do want it to work out. I've identified and learned a lot from reading through posts here already. I'm looking for some specific insight about our physical relationship while we're going through this damage repair process. I mean, she's my wife, one of the reasons I married her is because I'm attracted to her, and even through this, I still am. I'm struggling with having feelings of hatred and anger at the same time as attraction. I feel like if I engage with her, she may think it's a sign that things are ok again and dial back on the effort, but if I don't I feel like I'm just contributing to building more of my own resentment towards her. Plus, I still have needs right. Is it possible to balance these feelings?

gravinggirl
gravinggirl
I was the cheating wife, and after discovery, my husband initially wanted to increase our physical interactions as a way to forcibly block out AP. Because I felt so guilty about the affair, I felt coerced into saying yes even when it didn't feel right.

My best advice is to be honest with each other about your feelings and only move forward at times when both of you truly agree. Even be honest that you don't want her to take sex as meaning you two are completely okay with each other. If it happens at the right time, it might bring you closer rather than serving as a wedge.
duster
duster
honest communication ... there's a couple of words that could change the world!

thanks for sharing your experience :)
jimthzz
jimthzz
Google "hysterical bonding". You may be getting confused with progress being made by the fact that you are intimate.

It may be more like guilt is making her do it.

I recommend that you spend some time with a counselor to find out what's going on.
duster
duster
interesting. thanks!
betrayedtodeath
betrayedtodeath
If you have not already been tested for STDs please get that done before engaging in any more intimacy. Yes, you have needs as we all do. That's normal. Hatred and anger combined with natural attractions and need for intimacy is totally normal for many BS. I personally did not agree to anything at all until both our STD tests came back clear. A miracle on par with immaculate conception considering the number of APs and the 30 years worth of completely unprotected adultery. So glad you are in individual counseling; this is the worst thing to have to go through and the support you get and insight about yourself and your marriage is really important. Sorry you are here and going through this!
Nereid
Nereid
I don't know the answer here but I'm impressed that you're able to identify this conflict as it's happening. I hope it all works out.
sufferingandshaming
sufferingandshaming
My husband learned of my affair last week. Oddly enough, while I know part of him was repulsed by me.... he also "wanted me". We have been intimate every single day since which Ivan say was not our normal pattern. I know he is struggling and we have been taking and going to a couples counselor which also has been very helpful!!! For me, I want to be with him because it is a connection that we desperately need and I hope it will help us cope during this tough time. I'm not nieve and know hat just because he's being intimate does not mean things are good. We have a lot of work ahead, a lot of healing to do..... but for us the intimacy is helping us have the connection we need to show our commitment to make this work. Hang in there!!!
duster
duster
haha thanks nereid, honestly, I'm no stranger to personal recovery and have a pretty solid emotional and spiritual toolbox :) I really appreciate the support on specific, unfamiliar topics like this.

btd - honestly, std wasn't even on my mind initially ... that boundary is in place now.
Lenoire
Lenoire
You will have feelings that range from profound love to abominable resentment, and they will sometimes intermingle, but usually not for long. As part of the healing process, it's best to let the river flow, without an emphasis or inner conflict to maintain balance. Pushing resentment out of the mind, with a concern that it may reverse progress, could be counterproductive. It needs to be analyzed, as it will help you understand yourself and potentially challenge and change your belief system, in a way that you may not have experienced before, that can bring about the changes necessary to move passed it. The resentment dissolves, leaving trace residue, but sometimes more than trace, depending on how you've processed what happened, but usually not for 2 to 5 years after discovery day. I found that seeking the help of a therapist, on a regular basis, can help demystify the complexity of the mind, and connect the dots to make some sense of it all.

I wish you both well.