Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
So....its been a couple months of tons of changes..I'm doing better than I have in almost 4 yrs..my 9 year old is another thing..my H had an affair almost 4 yrs ago,he came back and I tried to get out marriage back..didn't work. So fast forward to a couple months ago he is cheating again,so its over..he was going to move out the immediately,but his family wouldn't let him move in with them..so for financial reasons he is still in the home.(by the way,he denies he is cheating..but hes not happy either because I dont trust him..hahahaaaaa..too funny)..he will be moving out in about 2 months or so,but my 9 yr. old is so hurt...she has overheard him on the phone with his GF making plans to go to her house after work..and notices every time he doesn't come home until very late at nite. She talks to me often,saying she knows where he is..I haven't said he is cheating and I haven't said hes not..I don't know what to say..I listen,some times for hours,and hold her when she cries and try to tell her Daddy loves her,but she says she doesn't trust him,that he lies..etc...I'm running out of answers...please give me some guidance...
THere was a time when I would have agreed with this wholeheartedly, and I even tried it - having my youngest go to my EX for answers to questions.
Crappy thing was, he gave her is bullshit answers. That our marriage was falling apart because I never went out with him to the bars (I had two herniated discs and sitting on a bar stool was the last thing I COULD do.), that I would not let him have fun and drink beer (I had just gotten my oldest daughter out of rehab or addiction issues, but he still wanted to have booze in the house, contrary to her therapist's advice), he should be able to do whatever he wanted with the family money (but we were behind in taxes), that he had a right to happiness (even if it meant hurting everyone, including his kids, including his family...), that I was just mean, mean, mean....
Yeah whatever...
I think, be cautious with this 'having her go to him.' That totally blew up in my face and hurt my own daugther worse, confused her more. Way more. Because whatever state of mind that your STBX is in right now will be fed to this little girl.
A good thing here? You have this little girl communicating with you, coming to you, talking and not shutting down. What she is going thru is totally normal, but it hurts like hell to watch. But it's something that she will be going thru and I say 'Thank God she is coming to you, Mama, as the solid parent!!!!! She is landing in a good place!'
For now, support her, keep her talking, talk to her teachers and guidance counselors at school, consider IC for her...
...and be careful of the bullshit that your STBX may be trying to get her to swallow. Cuz it sounds like she's not accepting his crap.
Sending you support, Mama...I think the best thing will be when he finally does move out, and you and your daughter get into some kind of settled life without him, peace in your day without him...
L~
If he's lying to you, then he'll absolutely lie to her.
Get her into counseling immediately, and Thank God she is coming to you!
(((HUGS))))
I guess I didn't read carefully enough that she doesn't trust him and that he lies...
I'm thinking something more along the lines of what my friend told her 2 girls as their dad walked away for OW, she said "daddy has some things in his own heart that he needs to work out. It's not about you, but as long as he continues to live his life for himself only and not for us, he will not be living here." Or something to that effect.
I am also worried about what garbage my stbx feeds the kids, I just try to keep them talking and I answer any questions with as much honesty as I think they can handle.
As for dad making plans with his gf...if he is going to stay in the home out of his own financial need, I imagine some guidelines should be in order. As in "don't date in front of me or our child or you are out on your ass". However, I understand that every situation is different and you may not be able to do that.
There are support groups in school, offered for kids enduring divorce in their families, and death. In illinois, it's called the "Rainbow" Program, but may be called other names in other states.
Usually it is an after school program, once a week, I believe, and if that isn't available, your daughter may qualify for some counseling during the school day. Usually it's about 30 minutes a week or so, could be in a small group. But you'd have to open up to her teacher, and just be frank about the marriage is unstable due to infidelity issues, and y ou are concerned that your daughter has overheard your H, on the phone. Explain that she may be feeling abandoned, not trusting her dad, and that she may have been exposed to more than you want, due to his careless, selfish nature.
Or anything along those lines. Teachers are pretty used to this, and from what I could tell, most of my student were in blended families, or being raised by single mom's. Very few had the original bio parents, and they might even be able to point you to other community resources, as well. Usually they maintain a list, the social workers, of community resources, some of which are on a "sliding scale", so they negotiate with you, what you can reasonably afford, and the state often pays the difference.
Or you could google that as well. But it would probably help your daughter to know: she's not the only one in this situation, and she could possible bond with another child who understands her and the situation.
'daddy has some things in his own heart that he needs to work out. It's not about you, but as long as he continues to live his life for himself only and not for us, he will not be living here." Or something to that effect.'
I love this, Mim. I so love this. It's the truth, its there, and its a strong statement for a person to make, not only for the situation but for their own individualness.
It's a nice way of saying, 'dad has his head up his ass and until he pulls it out, we need to live apart, cuz I won't put up with the shit.'
Thanks for that, Mim, L~
And you seem to be doing that! All the while, holding your emotions and needs in check.
In other words, you were serious when you signed up to be a parent, in the requirement that sometimes we need to put our wished and desires secondary to a greater commitment.
Kudos to you and keep on keeping on! Your kids are lucky to have you.
...and if I ever tell you anything that does not wash with you? Just tell me the shut the hell up.
(((((Hug)))) for you and your daughter, L~
I love LOVE what Mim said.
Also yes, definitely communicate with her teachers, coaches, etc... Since she doesn't trust her dad, it's important for her to know that there are MANY adults in her life who won't let her down.