Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I recently about 5 months ago in may 2017 received a letter through the post. Addressed to myself as I read it i was just stunned, shocked etc... After being married for 19 year's I got that letter from his affair from the other woman. Well i did find out it was his childhood sweetheart. Well he came clean told me the letter was correct. Didn't go into much detail but I wanted to know. Was this wrong of me wanting to know all details? He left me in the April 2017 as I started to ask questions and he went to live with her. Then he had that moment of clarity and didn't want the affair and left to come back to me. Remember I didn't find out about the affair till may. This affair had been going on for 12 months. Was I dum not to notice anything until the last minute? He wanted our marriage to work so 5 months down the line I'm still here. But I have my downer day's when I look over the photos and text messages she had sent me. I seem to go around in circles at the moment with my feelings. One minute I hate him and want to leave and get a divorce. My confidence levels are rock bottom since finding out. Trust issues are major now which I do keep on saying to myself without trust there can't be a relationship. I have access to his phone etc....but he could delete messages and keep what he wants to show. I hate him for making me feel this way I haven't been the same the old me since finding out. I've lost interest in my passion of a hobby. How can I learn to move on? This woman did love my husband so much and probably still does even tho she says she wouldn't have him back if he was the last man standing. I just can't forget the hurt and 12 months of his separate life he lead. The one thing that cuts my heart in two is the text he sent her at the beginning of their affair. (you haven't been far from my thoughts for year's and I don't think I have ever stopped loving you really). So has our marriage been a sham for 19 year's? At the moment I feel I should leave him cause he has resorted back to his old way's as taking me for granted. Needing hints to remind him I want to be loved in special little ways. He buys me flowers every month, takes me for meals when finances can. He has tried his very best of winning my heart back. I'm not a person to be vindictive which I haven't until his birthday, which was a couple of days ago. I lied about sending him divorce papers for his 50th birthday. I've talked to the other woman in question gave her a hard time and called her the home wreaker etc....Yes she might be right saying he was the one that came looking for her so our marriage was on the rocks long before the affair. She also called me a fool for taking him back. Because as she says if it wasn't her it would of been someone else. I'm not sure if he is going through a midlife crisis? In the beginning of our marriage I did find him chatting to other women well left his password and history on the computer way back in 1998... I seemed to moved on from that until this affair... I just can't seem to move on am I just staying with him for me, or feeling sorry for him? There's only been a few occasions within that 5 months I've told him I loved him. We have history off 21 year's together but married for 19 year's. Am I normal for feeling this way as I wasn't hacked off in the beginning of finding out until now? Help or anyone else been through this? Either side stayed with the person they loved or went their separate way's? I'm kinda questioning myself why I'm with him as our marriage run it's course?
Thanks for reading
To answer a few of ur question: no it's not weird to askfor details, you need details to be able to connect the dots, you need details to somehow try to wrap ur head around it and you need to know the truth before being able to move on. However be careful with what details you ask for. Like don't ask sexual details and never ask him to compare you 2, those are horrible details that you just don't want to know. NO you were not dumb for not noticing earlier. I did not notice for 2.5 years I thought how could I have been so stupid, but my therapist told me some wise words. You should not have to snoop in someone's emails, you should not have to track someone's phone when in a relationship. Yes we both trusted our men blindly, as so we should, we should be able to trust them, its not our fault of not finding out, its their fault of cheating.
Positive thing is that he came to his senses and came back to you, so he must have realized how stupid he was and hopefully he realized how intense he hurt you.
Rock bottom confidence and trust issues same here, very normal.
I hate my boyfriend to for doing this to me/us, and I too wonder all the time how do I move on.
Only time can, we need to grieve and they need to support us, no matter how long it takes. My boyfriend is doing everything a CS should do, but I too feel stuck, angry at times, not sure if the love is still there.
Im pretty impressed that you told him even once "I love you" I sure cant do that myself.
You're not a fool for taking him back, It takes extreme strong women to be able to get passed being cheated on, don't let her or anyone tell you different, she just said that cause he choose you over her. The other point she mentioned is true though, if it wasn't for her he would have cheated with someone else. Its always easy to blame the OW but its our partners that we really need to blame, although I really prefer to call the OW's whores, it just makes me feel better to call them that than call them by their name, but that's just me.
It's solely his fault, not urs, not hers, just HIS.
Yes its' normal the way you feel now 5 months in, Im almost 5 months in and am at the same point. They say to give a relationship at least 3 months to let things settle, after that your mind starts to calm down a bit. Im struggling too, with if I want to stay together or not. Only you can tell. If he does everything right (as in not falling back into old habbits, helping you tru this as much as he can, blocked every contact with this OW and being an open book as to what he's doing and who he is contacting) than maybe give it some more time and couples counseling to rediscover each other.
Apparently some couples come out of this stronger and with a deeper meaning, I hope Im one of those couples, and hopefully you too. However you you just don't feel it, don't stay, you tried, no one can blame you for trying, he's the one that messed up, you were generous enough to give it another chance, but don't blame urself if you just cant find the love back. being cheated on is extremely traumatizing and recovery takes 2-5 years. Wish you the best, feel free to message me if you like
I also forgot to mention I blamed myself and still do. Thinking it was all my fault, he still doesn't know why he did it. All I got, I was inquisitive to what she was doing with her life.. To me that's a lame excuse, then obviously one message lead to another. Since finding out I guess I've been through all the emotional states. Even tried to spice up our Sex life thinking that's why he left... I'm hoping this is all normal with anyone that's been cheated on...I understand the stats of trust... But he wants us to go for counselling? I've also checked out how much it is for a divorce these days in the UK.. I feel stuck in limbo at the moment maybe after 5 months of this it's finally hit me... I totally understand what you have said... Thank you x
Everything you feel is expected after finding out that the person you thought you married for 19 years isn't real. While the reality of your marriage has been found to be false, the most important aspect is that the person you marriage is inauthentic.
It can be strength or codependency that keeps someone in a relationship after an affair. The question really which category you belong to.
First off it depends on if you are staying because your SO is completely repentant/open and committed to helping you heal and repair the damage he has caused. If this is true then the next aspect is if you are staying because you are afraid of being alone or not.
I know you are feeling low right now, but this is only because you have blamed yourself or his foolish decisions and decided that it is your worth that caused his cheating. This is false as you are only responsible for your decisions. As well, your worth is not tied to how people treat you. Your value is self inherent and you are only judged on the decisions that you make.
The OW is a cheater with all the characteristics of one, but in the end she is right in saying that if it wasn't her it would be someone else. This doesn't absolve her, but it directs your attention to the person who had a personal responsibility to protect you. Your husband did, but she has no connection with you aside from being a decent person in society...which she wasn't.