9 months post d-day. Better (way, way better) communication and intimacy. He’s on antidepressants and I’m relaxing around him. Sex life is like it was when we first started dating. We’re better. But...
He just revealed several additional times they were together. Their affair was only (like that matters but it fits) 2ish months. LOTS of texting, phone calls and photos (her to him). Like 3500 minutes of calls and over 2500 texts in 30 days ( oh! Why didn’t I see the uptick! Why did I ignore this sign?!). He told me there were times in her cars, her house (with and without her kids at home), a local park and at a hotel. But, although he claimed full transparency, things didn’t add up. Also, there were sex acts they engaged in that didn’t track with the clock time they spent together. He said repeatedly that the whole thing was super casual-no plans made in advance, he never spent the night with her, never slept together, he never spent any of our money on them and she was not near my home or kids. Cue his assurances and my “ok” at what he explained. Fast forward 4 months. We’re talking details again and —-lo and behold—-he asks if I want to know what he’s keeping from me. Heart racing...throat dry...ears ringing...”yes”. He tells me that he lied (!!)about how often and where. He says he did rent an apartment for sex through CList and HE planned their rendezvous, HE invited her and HE paid. The apartments were near my house and they showered together as it was “during the work day”. I kept my shit together as he told me BUT inside I was crumbling. All the time he promised he was being truthful and there were no more lies as he was “done with all that”. Secretly falling apart in my car on the way to work, I looked back and thought “of course”. Stupid wife, indeed.
My issue isn’t the lying (at least not for this question), rather it is that he still wants to be with her even though it has been years since the affair. She called him about 18 months ago. He says he hung up. He saw her 2 months ago at a restaurant; he says nothing happened, he didn’t talk to her. BUT due to the disclosures and his “honesty”, he told me that he has started thinking of her again. He becomes very aroused when we talk about her (in counseling session or at home). He says it is because she was a sex toy and talking about her reminds him of what they did together. Bondage, LOTS of foreplay, public acts, etc... NONE of which he did or will do with me. He also taught her about vaginal orgasams but never worked with me—he, mistakenly, assumed I couldn’t so he didn’t try. For 20 years.
My higher brain function tells me to shut him down. He chose me and she’s out. BUT my heart is screaming that he has to make the choice to forget her, not me. HE has to choose this life rather than his fantasy with Big Boobs. My mouth told him that if he has unfinished business that he needs to deal with it in counseling or with her but I won’t be held hostage by his indecision. I need to move on but my heart is so broken....I’m so broken....45 days until 1 year since d-day.
Am I nuts or too gullible? No flaming, please. I can’t take more criticism.
My husband cheated on me for several months. He said he’s stopped and I want to believe him but can I? I’d like to think that then man I’m married to is being honest with me but he did lie to me for months. Can I begin to trust him, does it get better, will this get any easier?
last year I found out my husband was having an affair. I however did not have the full details of the affair. I have now come across their messages and everything they did together.what I have discovered has destroyed me. Everything he did with her he did with me. We have only been married for two years and I wasn’t expecting him to cheat on me so soon. I keep going through different...