My gut wants to know if this sudden disclosure (after a year of supposed reconciliation in which transparency and honesty is presumed) was for the purpose of honesty/belated full disclosure or if it was an opportunity to twist the knife?

There is nothing a betrayed spouse has done/not done that deserves cheating in response. You are not responsible for his actions.

If you feel uneasy, uncomfortable or that you are being played, trust your gut.

Betrayed,

THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!

I was really doing ok, if not good despite this crazy. I thought I was past the worst of it and to a great degree, I am. But this took the wind out of my sails. He has had a couple of personal (not me related) crises and he's reverting back to old patterns of gas lighting and blaming me for his troubles. THIS TIME I see it for what it is (not about me, its his insecurity and anxiety only) but I share your first reaction. Was this timed to explode so I spiral out of control again OR is it truly transparency? He liked me when I was out of control and our hysterical bonding. He liked that I was anxious and needy. I think he misses that entropy. That being said, he's more attentive to my feelings (unheard of during the affair time and thereafter), he is actively engaged with our family (ditto) and he is getting back to work (ditto, twice). I've let go of so much of my resentment and vile, too so I though we were going to survive and have what the therapist calls the experience of "that thing that happened". Now? My weigh loss, sleeplessness, anxiety, triggering and all that crap started again, (Not too sad about the weight loss, lol; I"m up 5 lbs since Christmas...).

In response, I redoubled my positive coping techniques: breathing techniques, restarted my DS account and returned to yin yoga (the only way I could cry without my kids noticing), seeing friends and other self-care. But there is this nagging sense of where does this crazy end? When? One year later, I'm still susceptible to his disclosure and his choices redlining my whole ego. I wonder what my future will be if I continue on this path. Will I forever be subject to his whims and biting comments (like last night he made a snarky comment about me "disappearing for hours" [a common gas light statement] and that I'm engaged in "my turn" for an affair. I pulled away and said "I will not fight with you. I will not lower myself to fight over unfounded claims designed to make your choices better. I deserve better.")? I wonder, aloud, if it is time for a change outside my own head. Is this behavior my new "reconciliation normal"? Is this the meh other people talk about? Am I deluding myself that "normal" is outside my reach because of choices he made and I did not question?

I know you don't know what will work for me, I think I'm writing to myself through you. Thank you, though, for the reminder that I am only responsible for my actions and choices; I chose my kids, our families and my business over him (well, chose them over constantly feeding his neediness and ego and when he withdrew physically and emotionally someone had to wipe noses, pay the light bill and meet clients). I know that made him feel insignificant and unwanted; that led to his choices to fuck around with that woman. He owns that. I own mine.

Where to from here? Forward, I know. But what is the path? Equilibrium restoration--is it possible? Or is it forever going to be topsy-turvy and I just need to get a rope to hold on? Meditate on this I guess....

Thanks again for the positive reminder that I'm not alone (sadly) and there is hope.

He's a needy manchild that doesn't appear to have changed. He doesn't seem to have much value about him and knows it.

That's why he seeks attention from others to feel like a "man". I put quotations because he is trying to be the caricature of a man he sees on TV. Those types are hollow selfish beings that do not benefit the world or those around them.

A real man is able to lead and protect his family and make sacrifices from himself to do so. His value and self esteem comes from his moral and character strength as well as his ability to preserve through tough situations. The admiration that this type of man gets does not increase his ego but gives him satisfaction that he has left a good example to follow, especially his kids.

A manchild just wants undue praise/admiration, handouts, and someone to take care of him and make him feel better. He only sees two feet in front of him and careless walks towards a cliff's edge. He has no thoughts of how his actions will affect others, only thoughts of how much personal pleasure it will bring him.

There are plenty of unscrupulous women out there who will feed him. He's lazy and weak enough to sell his honor for something cheap and easy.

There is nothing for you to do but encourage him to be a real man. The problem is that only he can look at the mirror in disgust and decide he doesn't want to be that person anymore.

Exactly what forwardmotion said. Your husband must WANT to change, must be willing to do the hard work, must see the value in looking under rocks to find and then work on the ugly stuff underneath in his mind/soul. Look for actions vs words mismatch. This is not “meh” when you are supposedly reconciling and rebuilding. You only want meh in your life when you are indifferent to the offending partner (usually when you’ve kicked them to the curb). Meh in a marriage is only marginally better than infidelity. We want and deserve an authentic 2 way street, equally balanced with giving and taking. You can’t make him change. You can only establish your boundaries and keep sticking to them. If he can’t or won’t change intrinsically (vs faux reconciliation) then you get to decide if you find this acceptable to you or not. If not, the decision tree has very few branches.

Thank you both.

I’ve taken some action to quell the anxiety—I be been cleaning again. Not the routine , weekly dust up; nope. The deep clean out boxes in the garage and purge everything cleaning binge I did the first few months post d-day. He wanted to know why I was cleaning so much and I responded with “you wanted it” and “ never know how soon we’lol have to move.” Just to shut him up. Never touched his stuff though; I figured I’d have another bonfire if needed (yes, guilty) if it got to that stage...
I’ve kept a few precious pieces for my kids. Pictures, drawings, love notes, that type of stuff. Not surprisingly, I found a love letter I gave to himself on our 10th anniversary. It was a year after his affair. I didn’t know about the sex, only the phone calls and texts. During that time he would blame me for his life struggles—I didn’t make time for him, I chose our kids over him, never relaxed with him, worked too much, etc. He said he chose Big Boobs because she surrendered to him without question. She worshiped him and let him do whatever he wanted to her so long as he showed up. When he told me about the apartment he had kept it to himself because “If you know about it you have to admit it happened and deal with it.” Unlike before, I know now he’s talking to himself. He wanted to avoid admitting he was as invested in them as she was. He was able to deny the extent of his affair because he kept lying. His lies still cut me to the core. Frankly, I’m contemplating leaving again. I look at him sometimes and I don’t know who he is. I’m living with a total stranger who I share this crazy history with.

I tell myself I chose my kids. I chose to be their everything bc their father chose other people to make himself feel better. I thought I was better and maybe I am; but I’m still here dealing with the same bullshit.

The truth is, my dear friends in this sucky club, what if I can’t make it? What if he is the best I’ll ever have? What makes me so determined to make this work is not just my kids’ needs, it’s my need too. I married late in life and “used up” my best years attending to him, my kids and our business. Now? I’m supposed to find love again? What if I can’t? What if I’m really with the man who is supposed to make me whole? This asshat who cheated because I was “too good” at taking care of everything but him. It feels like I’m back at square one again....all the shame, doubt and pain has returned. My kids are so loving and wonderful... what did they do to deserve us? A mommy who can’t tell daddy no and a daddy who never asks, always takes. So pathetic.
I remember being that kid with the parents who hated each other. I swore I wouldn’t do that to them. And now? Here I sit with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart. What a mess.

I used to be audacious. I don’t know what happened to that girl. I think I killed her for a gold ring that was supposed to mean security. He says he’s never felt so safe with another person —- even during the first decades and years of us. He gets to have it all while I die inside? Not again, I think. Not again. Time to start making my life about me again. So. Yeah. That’s what’s up today.