Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
after 23 years with the same man, I discovered he was having an illicit love affair with another married woman. over a three month period, I banged my head against the wall trying to figure out how to trust him again. Then I found that he was talking to her still. And we filed for divorce. Even though we had two amazing children, I had no more to give. He was giving nothing. In fact he continued to brutalize my self esteem for the next two months. He kept pulling me in and pushing me away over and over again. Then, 10 days before we were to be divorced he had an awakening and wanted to be us again. Now, at this point you might think I finally threw in the towel. But, no. It was at this point that I learned the full duplicity of his deceit. She was not his first affair. What I thought had started 8 months before, had started almost two years before. Not with her, but others. And the affair he started with her begsn on the Ashley Madison married but dating website. Disgusting!
But this moment of Revelation was freeing for us both. I understood finally why he was never able to let go of her. She knew of everything before and had threatened to tell me over and over again. That's not to say he didn't want to continue with her.but he was so ready to be done with her once I knew everything and wanted only me. He could not ever let himself take the chance of me knowing the whole truth before for fear he realky WOULD lose me forever. Always trying to hold me close while he pushed me away.
All signs at this point continue to indicate he is truly being honest now. It has been two and a half months and he is more kind, attentive, and open than he ever was in our 23 years prior. It is wonderful. But I am haunted byhis deceit and lies. He has taken full responsibility for his actions but I am still stuck to some degree. I tried chatting a bit with another married man, because it took my mind off us, but that was no help. My H and I are doing great as long as I don't think. We have fun and get along great. Intimacy is great. But I am angry underneath it all...I want something that will make my anger sting less when I am not with him, that will take the bite out of the triggers that tear at my heart daily...that will let me keep trusting him...but I don't know what that is. It feels like I am in a battle for my soul and my sanity at the same time. Should I do something stupid so his past actions don't feel so painful? No, that's not me or who I am. But how do I live with the past memories constantly bubbling beneath the surface?
But this moment of Revelation was freeing for us both. I understood finally why he was never able to let go of her. She knew of everything before and had threatened to tell me over and over again. That's not to say he didn't want to continue with her.but he was so ready to be done with her once I knew everything and wanted only me. He could not ever let himself take the chance of me knowing the whole truth before for fear he realky WOULD lose me forever. Always trying to hold me close while he pushed me away.
All signs at this point continue to indicate he is truly being honest now. It has been two and a half months and he is more kind, attentive, and open than he ever was in our 23 years prior. It is wonderful. But I am haunted byhis deceit and lies. He has taken full responsibility for his actions but I am still stuck to some degree. I tried chatting a bit with another married man, because it took my mind off us, but that was no help. My H and I are doing great as long as I don't think. We have fun and get along great. Intimacy is great. But I am angry underneath it all...I want something that will make my anger sting less when I am not with him, that will take the bite out of the triggers that tear at my heart daily...that will let me keep trusting him...but I don't know what that is. It feels like I am in a battle for my soul and my sanity at the same time. Should I do something stupid so his past actions don't feel so painful? No, that's not me or who I am. But how do I live with the past memories constantly bubbling beneath the surface?
You are still in the early stages of discovery of his betrayal. It takes years for this to even dim. You have a long road to go and it is full of profound pain and unhappiness.
It's good that your h has come clean about his other affairs. However, he is a serial adulterer; that is a character flaw of his that will be extremely difficult or impossible for him to change. Only time will tell if he will be faithful. My h is also a serial cheater and as for me, I wish I had divorced him when I found out about him. It was a mistake to try reconciliation. Good luck with your h.
He is kissing your ass and it will change back to the way it before. Good luck with your reconciliation.
It's like I no longer have a handle on my boundaries anymore. Unfortunately, I think I will bend in the right situation now, though I have made the right decision in the past.
What is right and wrong anymore? It's not right for me to stay...so what does it matter if I stray now? I already know I can live without him.
Also, what kind of man wants to get involved with a married woman? A lowlife. Don't lower yourself. You will end up even more unhappy. It would hurt you, not help you.
While splitting can be an option, cheating as a form of retaliation would be disastrous.
I don't know if your marriage is salvageable, but it appears that he wants to save it, and that you at least want to give it a shot. While his behavior right now is a step in the right direction, it doesn't qualify as "fixing" the trust or communication. It takes tremendous effort, time, and energy.
Good luck!
I'll bet this group could come up with hundreds of better ways to make him squirm.
But most of all - why do something to lower yourself to his level so he thinks you're even. As long as you keep your integrity you have leverage. Someone who kills is always a killer, just like someone who cheats is always a cheater regardless of circumstances. Don't do that to yourself - you're better than that!
You know the old saying, "The best revenge is a life well lived?" I realize it's easier said than done, but it's true. Take care of yourself and do RIGHT by yourself since he didn't. Having an affair won't be right for you because YOU deserve better. Besides, having an affair won't make what HE did any less painful, it'll just cause him pain, too. (And potentially the other guy, and potentially you, and potentially the other guy's wife/gf.... it's a domino effect.)
As for the anger - I agree that counseling may be helpful. It'll help you identify exactly what is pushing your anger buttons and from there you'll know what to do about it. Anger is a secondary emotion. It may come from a place of desperation or helplessness or despair or frustration or disappointment or ... well, you get the idea. But the point is, if you can figure out what the initial emotion is which sparks the anger, you can work through the whole mess and not just the anger.
By the way? Anger is normal. It can be good. It can protect us, and it can keep us moving/acting/doing when otherwise we'd just shut down. But if you get "stuck" in it, it becomes a poison to yourself. Trust me... I know.
It may well be that part of your frustration and difficulty in moving on is that while you and your husband are together, all is well and maybe even joyful... but the second he's out of sight, you're bombarded with triggers and/or fears because the circumstances which allowed him to cheat (and/or allowed him to think it was an OK choice) are still in place. You both may have to look at even bigger changes than his "change of heart" in order to feel more protected and like he's making a true investment.
Hope you find the support you need here and are able to find a recovery program that works for you.
Revenge affair? If you have to do that to get his attention as to the depth of hurt that he has caused you, he's not even as sharp as marble and not worth the effort.
Go for the honesty...settle for nothing less...with our without him.
L~
B. end the marriage
Just like he couldn't sit on the fence half in the marriage and half out, neither can you.
Playing with the idea of cheating on him will be a sure fire way of ending the marriage or at the very least add another huge complication that will now have two people not trusting eachother. It's like pouring oil on a burn.
If you want option A then you need to be willing to accept the pain and roller coaster of emotions. He must be willing to do everything in his power to work towards regaining your trust and respect. He must also accept your pain and roller coaster of emotions.
Marriage can be rebuilt and be better than you think. Divorce is also a viable option. There are plenty of both here who have come out the other side.