Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Last night I heard my husband's phone buzzing picked it up... there was nude photos from some woman of her privates and messages. When I confronted him about this he told me yes. He met her on words with friends. They exchanged numbers they've been sending sexual pictures and texts. He apologized. But three years ago he did the same thing. Just text and pictures. He begged me not to leave and said he wanted to go to counseling for our marriage. I'm lost and I have no one to speak to. I'm embarrassed and I feel like a failure. He keeps trying to tell me that he wants to change and he knows he's done this before and he doesn't want to loose me. These woman aren't real people to him. I don't know what to believe.
Go to therapy and she what transpires. But be careful, he may just BS the therapist and say whatever is needed to smooth things over. (That's what mine did and 4 years later I found out about yet another affair. We're divorcing.).
It will be important for Jim to get counseling on his own in addition to your marriage counseling. That's the only way he can be completely honest and deal with whatever are the underlying issues.
Good luck. Be aware that the chances he truly changes are not that great.
Hugs to you.
Counselling will only help if he sees a therapist on his own, for several months or even a year or more, on a weekly basis, before he can make any progress that results in a change of his character. He doesn't have the character to be a loyal husband. He thinks exchanging nude photos with other women is an acceptable way of keeping a secret and private life.
Without making any ultimatums, chances are he will re-commit once the dust settles. So it's now up to you to draw a line in the sand. I would think it might also help you to see for yourself, and to get a realistic perspective on his cheating, by going through his phone to read the texts and exchanges he's had with other women. You can also see whether or not he's now lying to you, and if there were other women or physical activity. If he won't allow you to check his phone, or if he does and he's deleted everything, he's guilty, because the person who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.
If you want to reconcile, in order for your recovery to be successful, he must allow you to peruse through all of his digital media, emails, phone texts, etc., anything you feel you need to know, in order to start rebuilding trust, because without this, you will never be able to rebuild your trust for him.
What is he doing now to help you with your grief? Has he openly offered to look through his phone etc., to back-up what he's told you? Most cheaters only admit to what they've been caught with, and the truth only trickles out once the loyal spouse confronts them with more evidence or a smoking gun.
Wishing you well.
Thank you for your words. He has let me look through his phone. I told him I was disgusted. But saying that felt like I wasn't helping. He's trying to be sweet and approaching me calmly. I'm didn't explode or scream at him when I found out. I woke him up and asked him to tell me. I went numb. I did tell him we both need individual counseling along with marriage. I'm going to need the counseling for myself to learn to trust and not feel like a failure. He needs counseling for his issues also. I let him know that I feel like he's killed the man I fell in love with and married. I told him I don't know this man I'm looking at. All he kept saying was I f**ked up so on and so on. Every day will be hard.
I thank you for your words. I've written that I have no one to talk to about this
My counseling starts next week. I can't tell my mother because she'll want to come over to my house and pack all my bags. I'd like to work on this marriage but I'm scared. So very scared that he'll do this again and I'll be the fool that kept forgiving.
Know you are not alone, there are many of us here who share your pain. In order to rebuild trust, you yourself must come to realize that you are not a failure, and nothing you did or did not do, had anything to do with his infidelity, nothing. If you feel in any way that you are partially to blame because of x, y, z, you won't be able to recover your own self-trust, and in turn never be able to trust him.
Triggers are something to pay special attention to, and this is anything that sets off a trigger of emotions directly involved with the infidelity. He must do everything he can to remove or halt anything that may trigger you. That can range from changing his phone number, to changing anything that was used to perpetrate the infidelity.
It took me about 2 years before I felt some relief. During this time, we had complete transparency and access to all digital media, phones, etc. so that there was never any doubt, and when there was, because you will doubt yourself and him during your recovery, we could check without causing a big deal about it. The ability to do this, throughout our rebuilding, helps tremendously.
Can you ascertain why he does it, or has he made any explanation for his actions?