Ok, what I am about to say is not meant to be harsh or cruel, but I feel you need to hear it. I think both you and your H need to accept that your H is gay. It is not your fault and it is not his fault. What is his fault is that he's staying in a marriage that he shouldn't be in and it is not fair to you. He probably does care about you and loves you, but he is what he is. You have to find the courage to face this reality and make steps to make your life what it should be. I am so sorry, but this does happen when people cannot accept who they really are. Very sad. Sending you support.

Hi Teddy (and ZnZS), Take one big giant step back. The question is: Is he gay or is he gay curious? I know men who are completely heterosexual who enjoy looking at gay porn, have gay dreams or admire men. I would say that if they engage in gay sex, then they are gay. Otherwise, it might just be a turn on.
The greater problem is that your husband is not able to communicate with you what it is. I would recommend finding a safe way for him to be truthful.
PS: I had one and only one gay dream in my life (and don't look at gay porn, ever) about my wife's affair partner and I. ( I'm sure it would make for some great psychoanalysis.) I felt very uncomfortable revealing this to my wife as I didn't want her to panic and think I was going to "play for the other team". It took alot of courage for me to reveal this and she accepted it without judgement. Give your husband a chance and see what you learn.

Working, I see what you are saying, but teddy's H took the next step and contacted someone from Craigslist. That says that he's moving from fantasy into reality. I'm really sorry, but if my H dreamed about gay sex, watched gay porn and fatasized about gay sex...GAY! That is a man in serious denial if he's married to a woman!

Your dream, however, was not about sex. I think it had to do with one of the following reasons: 1) You were trying to recapture what the OM stole from you, which was your W's intimacy or 2) Deep in your heart, you feel the OM has qualities that you would like to possess or 3) You are just downright curious about what your W experienced because it hurts to know that she had a very intimate experience that did not involve you. Sorry, lol, didn't mean to analyze you.

I think znz hit the nail on the head. He is probably confused and in denial because he loves you and his family.

Wow, these are always tough ones to comment on. I can't imagine how you must feel.

The biggest issue here is his desire to act out on these tendencies.

Somehow, you and him are going to have to discuss this.
He did not admit it in therapy, so obviously he does not want to reveal it.

How does one communicate on this matter? If its the same as other difficult subjects....he needs to feel 'SAFE' in order to open up to you. How do make him feel "SAFE" enough to admit his sexuality preferences/issues?

I suppose, he would need to feel that you won't judge him or leave him. That you would accept him completely. However, if he is gay/bi, you may NOT want to stay with him and he may know that.

Can you be with a man who is COMPLETELY committed to you, but also has desires for men......but does not act on them?

If you can, you may have a chance together.
It would require a great deal of work and communication.

This is a tough one, and i am sorry you are dealing with it.


OH...and WORKINGITOUT that was NOT a gay dream. It was either Power, revenge, or feeling violated.

Your husband needs do to some sirius self searching. Maybe he really is gay but is too embarrassed to admit, or doesn't want to hurt you and family. Maybe he is bi and has never acted on his gay side before but started to explore it now. Maybe it was all a lot of curiosity. Whatever it is he should admit it to himself and to you, and two of you need to work from there. If he really is gay he needs to understand you have a right to know, he doesnt have to tell anyone else if he's not ready but you have the right to know. Or does he plans to keep his mouth shut and make both of your lifes harder and sader? Its selfish of him to d that. Contacting another man was definitely wrong, gay or not, he is still married to you and he still doesn't have the right to cheat on you. Is he going to terapy by himself? If not, would he be willing to? Maybe he didnt want to admit anything before when you went to counseling cause he is ashamed or scared of your reaction? Perhaps in individual therapy he would be more open about it and psychologist or therapist would be able to work and concentrate only on him and not both of you and your relationship. And if he really is gay therapist could help him accept it and deal with it. Whatever the case, you have the right to know the truth.