Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I found out (with evidence) my husband had an affair when we were going through a very bad stretch in our relationship (about 2 years ago). But then I also found out he was having sexually explicit chats and phone sex sessions with someone he met through an online game that lived in a different state.
Sigh....then I found out that he was also checking out people on Ashley Madison.
I have poked around his computer thoroughly, and that's all I could find evidence of so far.
We are going to counseling, and he is extremely sorry about all of this, and he's being really great.
But I cannot tell if he's just a person that is going to behave like this all the time, and needs to have these extramarital things going on, or if it was just situational (b.c. we were going through a horrible time and/or he says he feels depressed lately).
When I actually read what I wrote about him at the start of my post, as if I were seeing this post by someone else, I would think he's just a perpetual dog, out on the hunt for lovers at all times.....
Is there any hope for someone like him?
Am I going to go through all this counseling effort, feel like things are fine for a while and then figure out he's doing it again....
Sigh....then I found out that he was also checking out people on Ashley Madison.
I have poked around his computer thoroughly, and that's all I could find evidence of so far.
We are going to counseling, and he is extremely sorry about all of this, and he's being really great.
But I cannot tell if he's just a person that is going to behave like this all the time, and needs to have these extramarital things going on, or if it was just situational (b.c. we were going through a horrible time and/or he says he feels depressed lately).
When I actually read what I wrote about him at the start of my post, as if I were seeing this post by someone else, I would think he's just a perpetual dog, out on the hunt for lovers at all times.....
Is there any hope for someone like him?
Am I going to go through all this counseling effort, feel like things are fine for a while and then figure out he's doing it again....
Has he given you access to everything? Deleted Social Media ect... Change his phone number and email, he needs to write the women letters telling them that he loves you and wants his marriage to work. They mean nothing to him... And tell them not to ever contact either of you again...
Make sure he has told you about all of them... EA and PA they are both affairs.
There are many people that can help you, just ask.. Some choose to repair their marriage and some just can't
Good luck
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/rebuilding-marriage-after-infidelity
Whether his cheating was circumstantial or chronic is a question with many factors, some of which you might know. Like I knew my wife's was more situational in that her personality changed at the time she started sex texting with a man. I mean, she suddenly became more interested in sex, like her libido went off the chart. Whereas before I was lucky if we had sex twice a month, suddenly she wanted sex everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. Her taste in music suddenly shifted from oldies to a different genre, and she seemed to really focus in on songs with sexual emphasis. She became more "naughty" in that she suddenly became interested in sex toys and started cussing more when she never had before, and found it all exciting. It was all like an overnight change in her personality and behaviors.
When I found out when she first started seriously sex texting with this local guy coinciding with all that, it became clear when it started. IOW, I don't suspect it was something that had been going on through most of our 29 years of marriage, at the time.
Second, when dday hit, she committed herself to fixing it, took the steps to do so, and over time convinced me that she was coming out of that mindset. Because of that, I knew it was more due to her giving into temptations that presented themselves at a vulnerable moment in our relationship and getting caught up in the excitement of it all, rather than a consistent pattern of behavior over a long period of time.
If this is the first time you've had any indication he was cheating, that is, you don't see any other red flags in the past history of your relationship or other known incidences of cheating, AND he is doing all that he should: being transparent, cutting off all contact with the APs, working on addressing the issues that allowed him to go there, and over time appears truly repentant (no blameshifting); then I'd suggest there is a good chance this was a situational/circumstantial motivation rather than a chronic one.
Time will tell. If he violates transparency by not being honest about something, especially related to the As, if he attempts to deflect responsibility for what he's done, if he doesn't work on himself but is waiting for you to "get over it and forgive him," those are indications that if it hasn't been chronic, he's on his way to making it so.
Your advantage now is you know what red flags you missed in retrospect. You're not likely to pass them off so easily now. Your "gut" is in extra sensitive mode. So if he does keep cheating, you are likely to notice it sooner than the first time, and if so, deal with it accordingly.
Once you become confident that he's not going to go there again, which may take months, you can begin to heal yourself and see a light at the end of the tunnel. Ignoring the above will likely find you facing the same problem within a few years from now.
That was the one thing I was concerned about. I knew I could heal if it didn't happen again and she changed. I knew I couldn't deal with continued infidelity. I would have felt it my responsibility to end our relationship not only for my good, but hers, if that were to happen.
But she did what needed doing; we've both healed and have a better relationship for it. For which I'm truly thankful. I know not all BSs have that opportunity with their CS because the CS won't face the music and address their issues that allowed this. Some, having tasted the "forbidden fruit" once, can end up craving it more to the point of addiction.
But keep in mind, even a chronic cheater can change. It is a lot harder, and you may not have the desire to go through that with him, but it can happen. Just know the rate of success isn't that high. If you come to the conclusion he is a chronic cheater, you'll have to honestly evaluate the risk vs. benefits and where your love for him falls to know how you will decide to deal with it. No one can make that choice for you.
But from your side, you have to find it in yourself to have enough reason and enough desire to rebuild.
Cole50, this is just how my husband was acting --- he's been doing all the right things.
However he's changed his PC password and took a messenger application of our iPad so that has raised my suspicions that he's just continuing online 'fun'.
But we are in counseling, he hasn't done 'blameshifting'.
I'm willing to give this one try to rebuild and try to forgive this but it's tough.
But thanks again!