I read my CS's journal, and she wrote "sex with X is SOOO much better than with my husband." Ouch.

Later, she told me something that made a lot of sense: Her affair partner was somebody new and different. A rush of excitement and adreniline always comes from new people and new experiences. But that can't be sustained. There is a lot to be said for making love with someone that you have a significant, serious, long term relationship with. Ultimately, making love with someone you genuinely LOVE is far more satisfying.

Having sex with a super-model is probably AMAZING for the first dozen times. But if you aren't in love, eventually the sex will feel empty and hollow.

He made love to YOU, he is there with YOU, he stayed with YOU, he put in hard work for YOU. YOU are obviously very important to him. YOU are who he comes home to, YOU are who he talks to about this mess you are working on TOGETHER.

You need to tell him how you feel, and ask those very questions that trouble you because what you're thinking and feeling may not be true. It may be fueled by your low grade depression. I too have had childhood issues, and these things leave us eternally wounded, but it's how we deal with them as an adult that can make all the difference.

MrCellophane tells truths that are important to keep at the forefront of your mind, the grass is always greener on the other side until you reach the other side and realize that it was an illusion, because the side you've come from now looks greener.

Don't let your mind drive you in the wrong direction. Ask him, find out the truth, and if what you hear is troubling, then you both have something to work towards to make it be the best sex you've ever had. I'm certain he is enjoying sex with you as much as you are enjoying it with him.

That is one of the reasons that i am not intimate sexually with my w. I know i cannot compare to her om. so by avoidance i do not deal with it. Yes i know not exactly the best action. but it is the safest action. She has repeatedly refused to want to deal with this in counseling, and has told me that it is for me to deal with on my own, so this is how i deal with it.
Many things will improve over time, but that insecurity is one of the last things to go. away

Thank you all. I woke up with a really bad panic attack in the middle of the night and am completely emotionally drained today. I gave a lot of thought to what happened and I really believe that for me it is that I am terrified of getting hurt again. It seems when things are especially good between my husband and I that it triggers of panic attack in that if I let myself love him and am at risk of getting hurt again and that scares me. And then all my insecurities come in and take over. I actually could not stop crying this morning and called a crisis center as I do not have a therapist (we did couples therapy right after the separation). I have an appointment with an outpatient facility on Monday and I did not want to go inpatient at the hospital.

I hope I am doing the right thing. I know there are a lot of people worse off than me and I don't want to waste anyones time but I feel like I can't continue like this.

Dearest NJFOOL, I assure you that you aren't wasting ANYBODY'S time. Least of all mine. Maybe just having an appointment scheduled for Monday will alone enable you to settle down a bit.

I do not feel "inadequate." Rather, I know that I am MORE THAN ADEQUATE, but my wife seems to have less than discriminating taste. That's her problem, not mine.

Oh, NJ. I so understand that thought process even though I haven't been with him in that way since it all went down b/c I just couldn't go there again.

BUT, I have imagined it and almost always end up doing what you did. IF we did get back together and go that route, I know I would have the same thoughts you had. And, really, how could you not go there in your head here and there? But, the reality is...is that he's with you because he wants to be with you and I hope, in time, your feelings will start to abate and you'll just enjoy the moment for what it can be...what it is, and what you two are sharing in the here and now.

When we get hurt in that way it is so very hard to let go of the thoughts and feelings and memories of all of the hurt and pain and the inevitable comparing that come along with it...but in order to move forward, in order to not let what happened hold you hostage, hold you back, or own any part of you/him/your relationship today...there comes a point where you'll have to hold steady to the commitment of releasing it as best you can as time goes by. I hope you do. Just give it time. Keep working on yourself and I'm glad he's committed to his own work as well. That's what matters for TODAY. Focus on that. Focus on the good as best you can when thoughts like that come around. Let them come around, feel what you need to feel and then release it instead of sitting in it for too long. For if you don't, its bound to keep having some kind of negative hold on you and in turn it will creep into your marriage more than it already has and the goal given your current commitment to each other is to break any remaining walls down...not keep supporting them with all of the past hurt.

Best wishes for your appointment on Monday as well. And its never, ever a waste of time to do what you need to do to take care of your well-being. (((hugs)))