The good that i have found is the changes i have been able to make. Of course she wanted to blame me for everything and i was the fault for it all to happen. However i had to come to some acceptance that i did play a role in it. I am a total workaholic, and dedicated a lot of time to everything but her. So the good that came out of it was the changes i had to make within myself to be more open and cognesent of her needs.

Yes.

I found good in myself. My DDay was 18 months (+ or -) ago, and I look at where I was and where I am now, and I genuinely cannot believe how far I have come. I have been through Hell, and I survived. I ran through the gantlet, and I survived. "That which does not kill me, makes me stronger."

All the books say "An affair will often make the marriage stronger in the aftermath." That one is a mystery to me. If my wife and I reconcile - and I suspect we will not - but if we do, there is absolutely no way that our marriage will be "stronger" because of her affair.

I think that although nothing is coming to you right now, the clock will strike twelve in due time.

My wife cheated on me at least 3 times. Even though she is accountable for making those choices, as a result, I discovered what my faults where as a husband that created a desire for her to look else where. The good was a self lesson I needed to learn. I have and made changes. We are no longer together, but any future woman will get a better husband from me than my ex. Theres a positive in the negative. Always is one if you look hard enough.

The good I found is that it ended up being the "final straw", so to speak, that ended my marriage. At the time, obviously, I was angry, hurt, etc....but, in the five years since my divorce, the fact my ex cheated is irrelevant. He's my son's father, and I choose to take the high road and coparent as fluidly and positively as I can.

While I wish he had chosen a different way to avoid the issues at home(he is a conflict avoider)...and while I wish he had been "man enough" to own his part, and to communicate versus cheating, it did help me to make the decision I needed to have a healthy home for my son, and to be able to coparent with him without malice or venom.

When he no longer became my problem, a lot of drama, anger, and issues went away, and it has been a sigh of relief.

I'm sure I lucked out that he dropped the OW as soon as I told her H what was going on, so maybe my outlook would be different if he was still with her? But, since he's not, I think it all worked out way better than I thought it would, five years ago.

The good I found is though I was giving what I thought was a lot of affection to my husband it was not. It took us reading the 5 Love Languages to get on the same page. It took him reading it to say, wow she does love me. That there is more than one way to show love and there has to be flexibility in accepting and showing that love.

It took this for him to realize that he was loved at home. That no one means more to him than his family. That what he was doing was stupid and meaningless.

It also opened my eyes to come out of the clouds and not get so settled into my marriage that I become complacent thinking our little world was just fine. There is always room for improvements.

It also let me know what my husband is capable of too.

Well, I could list a few good things that came from the A.

1. I became a less selfish and my-world-focused husband and person.

2. It forced me to re-prioritize what was really important in my life.

3. It made me aware that I had crossed some boundaries, which while they didn't lead to cheating, exposed me to that potential or even an unjust accusation off such.

4. It has certainly broadened my understanding on the dyamics of affairs. Pre-dday I though just having sex was cheating, for example.

5. I'm one of the ones, who because we focused on making ourselves better spouses, our relationship is much, much stronger than it has ever been.

6. This is going to be more selfish, but our sex life is now more what I had dreamed of the first 28 years of our marriage, but never had.

There are of course negatives, losses from the A I still lament. Several of the benefits could have been achieved without the A. Whether we ever would have or not, I don't know. It might have taken something like this to shake me out of my comfy little world I was wrapped up in. I would like to think I didn't need the A to do that, but I don't know.

When you boil it down, though, you find a way to define it rather than letting it define you. So the more good you can squeeze out of it, the more meaning something bad like an A can have in making you a better person.

Oh, yeah.

7. I wrote a book I hope can help others going through this.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I do know that there are good that has come from the affair.

I guess me not being a pleasure all the time is a good thing.
She really seems to care and value family a lot more now.
My wife I think has looked inward and realized how selfish of a person she could be and tried to work on that.
I have learned a lot and gained new perspective on affairs.
I even though right now am not doing so well at showing it know a whole lot more about relationships.
I have became a lot closer to God and have gotten a lot more involved with our church.

The good? I left a cheater and gained a life. On some level, his affair was truly the best thing that happened to me because once he was out of the way, I could focus on myself, my health and eventually find true, reciprocal love.

I probably never would've pulled that trigger if he didn't have an affair because I didn't realize how much I spackled over the crappy stuff in our relationship over the years.

http://thevarmps.tumblr.com/

Neverceases - well said. I concur.

I found much good in the bad.

After the dust settled and all, and we divorced, I found out there's a time to stay and a time to walk - and you don't have to justify your choices to anyone.

I learned to speak my mind. It's alright if some don't agree. My life will go on and who ever will know my position.

I learned my kids are amazing people. We learned to pull together as a family and go on.

I learned how to say 'no' and I learned how to say 'yes.'

I learned my judgment is sound and if I am wrong, I am wrong and life will go on.

There is good in bad. Always.

L~

I learned to listen to my gut and pay attention to those tiny red flags.

I learned to be strong again.

I'm happy again and my life is good.

Each morning I start my day happy and end it tired.

I learned to recognize a serial cheater and accept that he would never change.

I've been blessed with some amazing doors that are opening for me.

I'm learning to say No but when you run a business like mine that can be so hard to do.

Lstecker and Trisha - awesome words, and very inspirational!!