Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Hi there, I'm so lost and am really in need of some third party point of views.
I've been with my husband for just shy of 9 years. We have a 3 year old and now a 3 month old. I found out 2 weeks ago that my husband has been having an affair for over a year with an older woman he met previously at work and I'm crushed.
It's taken nearly this whole time (2 weeks) to get him to stop lying and come out with the whole truth. He kept telling me parts of it and then saying that was everything and he wouldn't lie anymore because he didn't want to lose me, etc. He even swore on our children's lives at one point. Needless to say after more investigating I would realize over and over that it wasn't everything. Disgusting.
I finally am feeling like I know the whole story but it's not just the affair itself that's taken it's toll, it's the lying too. It's been about 5 times that he's said that he's told me everything only to have me find out more.
Even as recently as yesterday he tried to lie when I found a picture of this woman topless on a secret e-mail account. (Which by the way I am sorely tempted to plaster around town with her name and phone # since there's also a distinctive tattoo showing in the pic to prove it's her. I want her to hurt like I do.)
It just feels like the lying will never end.
I've also found out he was lying about smoking during our entire relationship and because of that lying about money and also lying about watching porn all the time.
He was talking to this woman through text the day before I started finding out.
They slept together 3 times over a year ago and would have more but when I went away to my mom's for a week she was on her period and since then he got transferred to a different jobsite so it made things obviously not as easy. Since he got transferred they've kept in touch the entire time through text messages and sporadically meeting for coffee. He was sending her dirty messages, pics and videos over his phone and vice versa.
Before we even conceived our second son...my entire pregnancy...our baby's birth...nothing stopped it.
At first he tried to say that he was going to stop it but I argued that that didn't make sense considering he was talking to her right before I found out and it's already gone on over a year. I only found out because she called his cell phone while I was there and he acted nervous (although her contact name on his phone was Steve) He's since admitted he has no idea when it would have ended.
He says it was the danger and excitement of it and the spontaneity and that he has no loving feelings for her but after a year of contact I obviously doubt that.
The worst thing is he says there was really nothing wrong with our marriage, he's madly in love with me, thinks we have a great sex life, adorable kids and overall had no complaints....how do you fix something if nothing was broken in the first place? I never would have even guessed it was happening. There were no telltale signs of something amiss until the phone call.
He's since sent her a text telling her it was over and calling her a whore (which is unfair considering it takes 2 to tango and he initiated it as much as she did, admittedly), but before he sent it he had the audacity to ask if it would make a difference....I believe he's not talking to her now but everytime he leaves the house I'm suspicious.
He's been crying a begging me not to leave him and telling me things I probably shouldn't even be asking to earn my trust but still...
Who's to say this won't happen again when things settle down?
The amount of rage I sporadically feel is so unlike me...I've slapped him 3x. I've never hit anyone in my life.
Anyways, I know this is long and I thank you for reading it!
HELP!!! I'm not working since I've got a 3 month old and 3 year old, I'm supposed to be starting school in September for nursing and I still love this terrible person that I feel like I don't know at all anymore.
We start counseling on the 3rd but I don't know if I'm mentally capable of getting past this...please, any kind of third person perspective would be greatly appreciated.
I'm dying inside here...
I've been with my husband for just shy of 9 years. We have a 3 year old and now a 3 month old. I found out 2 weeks ago that my husband has been having an affair for over a year with an older woman he met previously at work and I'm crushed.
It's taken nearly this whole time (2 weeks) to get him to stop lying and come out with the whole truth. He kept telling me parts of it and then saying that was everything and he wouldn't lie anymore because he didn't want to lose me, etc. He even swore on our children's lives at one point. Needless to say after more investigating I would realize over and over that it wasn't everything. Disgusting.
I finally am feeling like I know the whole story but it's not just the affair itself that's taken it's toll, it's the lying too. It's been about 5 times that he's said that he's told me everything only to have me find out more.
Even as recently as yesterday he tried to lie when I found a picture of this woman topless on a secret e-mail account. (Which by the way I am sorely tempted to plaster around town with her name and phone # since there's also a distinctive tattoo showing in the pic to prove it's her. I want her to hurt like I do.)
It just feels like the lying will never end.
I've also found out he was lying about smoking during our entire relationship and because of that lying about money and also lying about watching porn all the time.
He was talking to this woman through text the day before I started finding out.
They slept together 3 times over a year ago and would have more but when I went away to my mom's for a week she was on her period and since then he got transferred to a different jobsite so it made things obviously not as easy. Since he got transferred they've kept in touch the entire time through text messages and sporadically meeting for coffee. He was sending her dirty messages, pics and videos over his phone and vice versa.
Before we even conceived our second son...my entire pregnancy...our baby's birth...nothing stopped it.
At first he tried to say that he was going to stop it but I argued that that didn't make sense considering he was talking to her right before I found out and it's already gone on over a year. I only found out because she called his cell phone while I was there and he acted nervous (although her contact name on his phone was Steve) He's since admitted he has no idea when it would have ended.
He says it was the danger and excitement of it and the spontaneity and that he has no loving feelings for her but after a year of contact I obviously doubt that.
The worst thing is he says there was really nothing wrong with our marriage, he's madly in love with me, thinks we have a great sex life, adorable kids and overall had no complaints....how do you fix something if nothing was broken in the first place? I never would have even guessed it was happening. There were no telltale signs of something amiss until the phone call.
He's since sent her a text telling her it was over and calling her a whore (which is unfair considering it takes 2 to tango and he initiated it as much as she did, admittedly), but before he sent it he had the audacity to ask if it would make a difference....I believe he's not talking to her now but everytime he leaves the house I'm suspicious.
He's been crying a begging me not to leave him and telling me things I probably shouldn't even be asking to earn my trust but still...
Who's to say this won't happen again when things settle down?
The amount of rage I sporadically feel is so unlike me...I've slapped him 3x. I've never hit anyone in my life.
Anyways, I know this is long and I thank you for reading it!
HELP!!! I'm not working since I've got a 3 month old and 3 year old, I'm supposed to be starting school in September for nursing and I still love this terrible person that I feel like I don't know at all anymore.
We start counseling on the 3rd but I don't know if I'm mentally capable of getting past this...please, any kind of third person perspective would be greatly appreciated.
I'm dying inside here...
I wouldn't worry about forgiveness right now. At least not until you stabilize. But to address the question, if you mean by forgive him that you act like everything is okay and he's free to return to things as they were, no. That's not forgiveness, that's sweeping the issue under the rug, allowing it to fester and pop up again. He needs to face the consequences of his actions head on instead of hiding from them.
Forgiveness simply means, at some point down the road, you will release your hate and desire to punish him for what he's done, and allow yourself to help him overcome his demons if he is cooperative in doing so.
Pick up a book, if you can, called "Getting Past the Affair." It has some good info and guidance, especially in the early days, to help you deal with this.
Knowing the stages of grief after a loss like you've experienced can help too. I wrote an article on it:
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/3869850
Hope that will get you started. I'm just past two years down this road myself, and have rebuilt successfully. Your husband isn't getting started off on the right foot here for successful rebuilding, but that doesn't mean all hope is lost. Pink Pony here can testify to that. But it won't be easy.
If he is cooperative in wanting to rebuild and heal, have him read the following article my wife and I wrote for CSs, "Healing Steps for the CS"
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/3869288
Hang in there. We're here for you.
It goes from anger to hurt to feeling nothing.It sucks.I am so sorry you have to go through this.If you ever want to talk or vent,please message me. Xoo
You still have far to go. Stay in counseling. You can get past this. It takes time; it takes work on both your parts. I am sorry; this sucks, really, really sucks.
YEs the forgiveness can happen, but it is going to be a long slow painfull process. It will be made easier if he starts fixing himself. You may never be able to totally forgive, but in time you will be able to move forward and if you stay together, he hopefully will prove himself worthy of forgiveness.
1) remember he is not perfect, neither are you. Sin is not measured by what it is; sin is sin no matter what
2) forgiveness is for you, not him
3) all contact must stop
4) ask yourself the bottom line - "do I love him"
5) read "getting past the affair"
6) understand that this is a very long process and the road is extremely treacherous
7) patience, patience, patience!!!
8) if you are a Christian, seek counsel from The Lord as frequently as you can. He is calling you to Him.
9) immerse yourself into The Word to help comfort.
10) you will get thru this. As long as he's repentant and your forgiving, anything is possible.
11) journal frequently
12) talk nightly - he was further away than you realize.... For whatever reason, you'll both need to take ownership into why he was alienating you (without you even knowing)
My husband found out he has narcissistic and anti-social behaviors, which is how he was such a great master of disguise. Was "with her" a few days before he confessed, she fell in love with him, he told her he loved her... Your story sounds like a clone of mine! He's learned how to keep himself in check and we talk about everything now.
I would like you to feel free to message me anytime.
I'm no counselor, but my story is very similar to yours.
People are blinded by sin.... They get so wrapped into sin, they can't get out. Him telling you he doesn't love her is the truth. It took me a long time to believe he didn't love her as he said.
I'll be praying for you and i'll be hoping for reconciliation.
You are stronger than you think and restoration is absolutely possible.
There is "the other side" and it's more wonderful than you could ever imagine.
Your anger will begin to subside, trust will return.
Just remember, God used scum of the earth in the Bible, only to turn them into His righteous people and do His work for His glory.
Prime example - we are one year past and my husband has been asked to be the associate teacher in our Sunday school class.
I never saw this coming - ANY of it, but I couldn't be happier.
Things are better than they were but I feel like I have a teenage son. Constant checking up, no internet access, full disclosure with his phone (rogersonenumber, everything he does on his phone is logged on the computer), a tracker on his phone, etc. and even with all of that he's tried to lie twice. Once about an aspect of the affair that he'd already admitted the truth about and I guess forgot and again about smoking a cigar which he's claimed to quit. Just ridiculous really.
My mom has decided to take me on a vacation in December as an Xmas gift and to give me some time away so that should be the ultimate test, we'll see how it goes. I'm giving myself one year from D-Day to get to a point that isn't complete garbage, if at that point things are still stressful to this extent I'll reconsider my decision to reconcile because I refuse to live feeling this way forever. I'm better than this...we all are.
We had three counselors - marital and each individual.