I understand and did feel the same way,,,but you have to be willing to understand and accept the fact that "we all can make mistakes" and if you bleive that and you reallly cna reach deep inside then it makes sense to "forgive" not forget...i think maybe it has something to do with our own sick jealousy that maybe we wish we had ahd the experience and that they were the ones suffering and not us....i don't know and surely don't ahve all the answers ...I jsut try to survive day to day and hope tommorrow is better than today...sometimes it seems that time stands still for us who are suffering thru this!i read somewhere that "to forgive is Love and Love is closer to God"!!it seems to help me deal with some of these issues.i feel the stress think good thoughts....

I know it sounded bitter but I just get so angry at times, Its almost comical in way .. the way life turns out ,I ran into my ex who I had not seen in 14 years he said 'I never cheated on you, you always thoughtI did but I didn't' and my H, the one I never in a million years would do that, did, now I can start to laugh about things, with out falling apart, the angry days are fading , but once in awhile one pops up.

No. I don't think forgiveness is the same as permission. I think that's your fear talking. And, that's natural. Forgiveness is for us, not for them. Forgiveness is letting the other person off the hook. It's releasing them from a debt. It's a gift to the cheater, but it's necessary for us in order to heal. Eventually, we have to lay it down. We have to be able to go on and leave it in the past. But, forgiveness has to happen over and over again for such a horrible thing. It, obviously, hurts us deeply. It makes us angry from time to time. That's when we need to be able to lay it down again and let it die. Keeping it alive is not good for you. It will grow inside you and eat you alive. Forgiveness is putting to death the seed of hatred and bitterness so it won't grow inside you. If it does grow, that's when it strangles you.

Forgiveness is not permission to keep doing something. That's why we have to set up boundaries. Boundaries are agreed-upon by both parties. My wife's boundaries are that she never again has a close male friend, that she never tells me another lie, and that she never has another affair. If she violates those boundaries, then she knows it is over. But, it was her choice to violate the boundaries. I didn't kick her out. She chose to leave and she knows that. It takes the pressure off of both of us, unless she is ever tempted to step outside the boundaries again. So, forgiveness has nothing to do with giving them permission to cheat again. Boundaries are put into place to avoid that.

You are scared to forgive. You shouldn't be. Set up boundaries with him so he knows exactly what you expect and need from him. Trust can be built back with a lot of accountability and him giving up some of his perceived "rights." If you can't trust him and he keeps hurting you, then he doesn't deserve forgiveness and you can't really forgive. He keeps adding to the list of things that need forgiveness. You can't expect to be abused like that over and over again.

So, I do think forgiveness and permission are two totally different things. I think you all need to set up boundaries. Start communicating with your spouses and let them know exactly what you will stand for and what will cause you to leave. Then, you don't have to worry about forgiving.

Ive ready everyones posts about working it out, your spouses seem to be forthcoming and admitting to what they have done, mine how ever hasnt, he insistst that I said we had an open marriage, and that it was ok, I never said that, and he will not talk about it, I have asked him to not talk to this co worker this is not the one he slept with so he tells me ,its the woman he picked up from the bar in Feb, though my gut is telling me different, it all keeps coming back to this co worker he wont tell m her name he refuses to talk about her , he went into my cell phone and deleted her number and I never told him I talked ot her so that tells me that they still talk, Im beginning to think he only came back because she wouldnt take things to the next step by leaving her H. seems like she would of been the first one he sold out when shit hit the fan ,seems like he would of told me everything if he was seriously remorseful wich I do not think he is, that's why I can't seem to move on. Im not angry or bitter like I used to be, I just want some closure one way or another.

I am having the same problems with closure, my husband seems to have forgotten everything as well. When I try to talk to him, I tell him it is not to punish him but to learn from what happened so that that it doesn't happen again. I need to know if I failed him in any way that pushed him into the arms of another woman. He told me if I truly forgave him for what happened , I would stop talking about it, stop talking about the details (I don't talk about the play by plays but just the woman, him meeting them, staying away longer on business so that he can spend time with them etc.). He said he knows what he has done and doesn't need me to talk about it in detail, I should only refer to it as "the incident" or "what happened", but to not talk about anything specific like woman still trying to contact him.

I have the same thoughts about forgiving and my theory is why should I forgive anything-am I less a person? What I say is I will try to put it on the back burner of my mind--one more hurt to add to the pile but I will never forgive you--just continue on..

Yes, it's very confusing for me too. I have also thought, "if I say I forgive her, does that mean I am saying I accept what she did to me?" But I also think "I feel in my heart that I still love and care for her."

Very confusing indeed.

Reil

You can't truly forgive someone who isn't asking for it, crazymoon. If he is not remorseful, you are in a painful place. I think you need couples' counseling and get these issues out in the open. He wants an "open marriage" so he can continue this activity even when he knows it is painful to you? How would he feel if you decided to have a boyfriend in this "open" relationship of yours?

You're not questioning forgiveness, you're wondering if you're being a doormat.

I disagree with pianogirl. You can forgive someone for the wrongs they have imposed on you without them even knowing you have forgiven them. Forgiving someone is for yourself not for them. Forgiving is not forgetting. Forgiving is just realizing we are all human and make mistakes. When you don't frogive those that have wronged you, the anger stays with you. You continue to play this narrative over and over in your head, it's very destructive, whether you realize it or not. It's like leaving the baggage at the side of the road and walking away. Read the "Forgiveness Formula" by Kathleen Griffin