Interesting...wish I could get my H to read this!

Chefmom, I bet you could get him to read it if you printed it up and turned it into bathroom wallpaper or wrapped around a lovingly made sandwich.

(Sorry, feeling a little snarky today.)

Thanks for the laugh, shtmyhdid! But not gonna happen since he no longer lives with me and I will not be lovingly making him a sandwich anytime soon! LOL

However, maybe if I copied it and sent it as a FB message from the OW then he'd read it!

Oh, hell, send it to both of them with a sweet message like, "Thought this would come in handy sometime for you both. You're welcome."

Sorry for the hijack, Cole. You always impart wonderful wisdom and inspire the rest of us.

No problem. It gave a good chuckle.

I read the article and then emailed to my H (we are separated). It describes him perfectly during that time. Our marriage (except less sex, of course)never changed. He was still loving and told me how beautiful I am every day. That is why I was so shocked when I found him at her house and he didn't even apologize or try to explain anything. He is now being very truthful in answering my questions. He came to me 2 months after DDay, saying he had been in a fog the whole time and he found his way out and wants to be with me. He has apologized profusely over and over, and says he will not give up on us, and will wait until I am ready. According to the blog, the desire is so strong, they lose all reasoning. But it is so hurtful that the fog was able to take him over so quickly. He had only known her for a month. He even told her he loved her, but now says he didn't mean it. But he said it, and he said it first, so it is not like it was even a reaction to her saying it! And why was the desire there to begin with? That stings a lot! He told me today that if he had apologized then, it would not have been sincere. Wth? How am I supposed I take that?!

Also, he seems to 'not remember' things about the affair. Like I said, he has been very honest about some hurtful things. Things I know his lawyer said he should not tell me. So, is that normal for the fog?

Well, being honest, answering questions truthfully are both signs he's leaving foggy thinking behind.

Desires tend to rise if we are not self-aware, and latch onto us. It appears "innocent" at first, but can quickly snowball if not halted. The more they give in, the stronger the desire becomes and the harder it is to deny it.

Like my W. In 2010 before her affair started, she enjoyed men's attention. She'd lost weight three years prior, and she began to "feel" sexier. One man latched onto that and started flirting. She enjoyed the attention, and convinced herself it was just an innocent game (despite me telling her it wasn't and she shouldn't be flirting with other men). But her desire for that attention caused her to ignore my warnings, ignore the boundary she was crossing.

When the man began to sex-text her, she felt a rush, and a strong desire kicked in, because someone besides me *wanted* her. Big ego stroke for someone wanting attention. She stopped talking about the man to me and it went underground. But in her mind, she still justified it as an innocent game. The fact she was having an inappropriate relationship with another man, hurting me and our marriage, didn't register on her radar. Indeed, up until the moment she gave in to the guys demand for a BJ, she didn't feel she was doing anything wrong. But by that time, her thinking was so screwed up because of her highly irrational desire for this man, that it would have taken a huge 2x4 to the head to even begin to realize she was enslaved to her passions, and risking her marriage and family to satisfy them.

One frustration I've had is how to break through to someone in the fog like that. Reasoning doesn't seem to work. They are making decisions from an emotional center, not a rational one. Which is probably why your H said that. He knew his mind was in the place that he felt justified at the time for what he was doing. Any sincere apology would have burst the fantasy bubble, so one given wouldn't have been out of sincere regret, but to get you off their backs so they can continue to do what they want.

One of my definitions of when affairs happen: when temptation meets opportunity and low self-esteem.

Your W story sounds exactly like my H story. The OW went after him hard and was blatant about it in front of me and our children but I trusted him. And he said it started out as innocent texts, and then snowballed he has also used the quicksand metaphor. Now, looking back, he says he can not believe he was in that situation and that she is no one he would ever want to be with. He is hopeful we can work through it, but he enjoys attention from women and I am scared he may be pulled into the 'fog' again, despite his promises to seek help if he ever gets there again. But if he didn't recognize it then, how will he in the future. He has started counseling and really wants to do marriage counseling as we'll, when I am ready.

Mostly by being aware of his weaknesses, setting and abiding by firm boundaries, and working on himself so his esteem isn't so tied in with what other people think of him.

Self-esteem: Infidelity's Biggest Trigger
http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2013/09/self-esteem-infidelitys-biggest-trigger.html

The Path to Self-Esteem
http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2013/10/the-path-to-self-esteem.html

Individual counseling to help him evaluate and establish those might help as well.

But you are right. The temptation is for him to just assume he'll not do it again, promise to himself and you he'll never let it happen again. But unless he's proactive in dealing with it, the likelihood he'll stick with it, despite best intentions, is low. When that desire kicks in again, he's got to have trained himself enough to see it for what it is, and run away instead of toward it.

Thanks Cole50. Your story gives me hope that we can make it through this if I can just get past the shitty things he did. My family will never accept him back if we do, but I am trying to only consider myself and my children. But I am not making any decision at this time. I need to take this time to heal myself, as does he. And then try to heal together, if that is a possibility.