Honestly, I have nobody to talk with and it is eating me up. So, I'm going to bring you up to speed. So I can hopefully get some helpful feedback.

I am 45 years old. Since I am unsure if this is made clear on the site, or if it even matters, I was the husband. I have spent the last 20 years with someone that has cheated repeatedly. Total, six times. A couple times before we were married and we worked through it, at least I thought we did. We were then married for about six years when she cheated for the 3rd time and I fought hard to work through it but she basically decided I didn't exist and bounced from one guy to another. So, I decided it was over and filed for divorce. She did not change her actions but somehow thought it was horrible that I was leaving. She continued this pattern all the way to the day of the divorce. At that time, it appeared that she broke. We kept in touch over the years, not like we were friends or anything, just touched base every once in a while. Her life basically imploded after the divorce. It was like she was punishing herself for what she did. I can't say she didn't deserve it. About 2.5 years after the divorce we started talking more and more and actually met a couple times. I had no conscious intention of letting her back in my life, but eventually I did. We dated for about a year and a half and she truly seemed like she had learned a lesson. She would always say that she would never go through that again and I was the best thing in her life. So, hesitantly, I asked her to marry me. And we got married, again. Everything was great after an adjustment time. From the beginning, I made it very clear. If it ever happened again, there would be no discussion, no arguments, I would just be gone, it would be over for good. I made it very clear that I was not playing any games. So now to the obvious conclusion of this and why I am here. Only a year and a half after being married, she was caught. I was out of town (about two hours away) and some of the stuff she was saying on the phone just didn't add up. It ate me up all evening until I just couldn't get to sleep. I had been unable to get her to respond to any texts or calls which was happening more and more lately. So after thinking it over for a while, I thought of a solution to calm my mind. I am the IT guy of the family and I was the one to setup her new iphone. So, reluctantly, I logged into "Find My Iphone" with her username and what I saw hit me like a freight train. She wasn't home. She was at a house that I did not know. At 1am. It hit me, but strangly, it didn't surprise me. I just calmly got up, got dressed, wrote a note that I was planning on leaving on her car (at his house) and hit the road. I pulled up in front of the mystery house at around 3am but her car was not in the driveway. But the website said her phone was in the house. I thought of my options and figured I would go home to see if her car was there and maybe she was too. Maybe the site was wrong. Well, her car was at home, but she wasn't. Sneaky. At that point, I fulfilled my promise. As quickly as I could, I loaded my car with everything I could of mine. Wrote a note that said: "I told you if you did this again there would be no discussion, no argument. (I wrote out the address she was at) Look Familiar!? You are a horrible person. Don't call me, ever! Bye". I then placed this on the counter and put my wedding ring on it. And left. That was a month and a half ago and we are a month into the divorce process. I have not seen her once since I left that night. She texts me to say how sorry she is, and sometimes I am nice and sometimes I just go off. My reactions are totally unpredictable.

I am lonely. I don't like being alone. But because it has happened so many times, I am not the shell of a man that I have been when it happened before. I think I was prepared for it to happen again. Now it is a matter of getting over just how shitty of a person she is. I am not a social person. Very introverted. So now that I am on my own, I have nobody to talk to except her and I know it is not going to help talking to her, so I don't. That leaves me alone. Very alone. To add on to my lonelyness. I was in the process of selling my business so we could be together more when she was caught. But I was already under contract to sell. So now, I have no job. Which gives me way too much time to fill. Idle minds....  I start a new job March 1st, but for now, the lonelyness is killing me.

I'll take any feedback you have. I would love to have my life back, but know that it is gone and will never be the same. Going back is not an option (at least that is what I tell myself, almost every day). Honestly, I just need to talk about this with someone.