Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
It took 3 years, almost exactly to the day, from my husbands affair to be at peace with the past. I can look back over the course of these past three years and be content with the way things turned out. I admit, I made some bad choices and did some things I'm not proud of.
It wasn't until I hit rock bottom- in an ER drinking activated charcoal to pump the sleeping pills out of my stomach on the first Thanksgiving after the affair that I knew something had to change.
That was my turning point, up until then I was just waiting for something to happen, instead of taking control of my own life and future. I didn't value myself or my life and that also had to change.
I went to counseling to work on loving myself by myself, regardless of my relationship status. I dealt with my anxiety, my love addiction and learned what a healthy relationship should be. I did this a part from my husband. We spent six months apart, him with family back in TN me here with our house and dogs. We spent the next six months easing back into living together.
I did things for myself and enjoyed being alone. My husband went to warrior camps for counseling to deal with his PTSD from war and his relationships. When he was home we saw a marriage counselor who specialized in PTSD which helped. She told me, my husband may never be able to love me like I want him to because war changes people.
Earlier this year, things finally, for the most part clicked for us. I became pregnant with our first child and I had never felt happier. The sense of stability I had been missing, I had it back. In June we found out our baby's prognosis was not good and at 17 weeks pregnant we were told to prepare for our baby's funeral, that I'd lose her before 23 weeks. Every week I went for an ultrasound, felt her move and we both fell more in love with her. At 35 weeks, on 11/12 against all odds, our baby girl Zoey Sophia made her debut. For 18 hours she fought to live, but we saw her suffering as they tried to revive her for the third time and we made the devastating decision to stop her suffering. We held her as she passed. She was beautiful and my heart breaks over why she was so sick, all the tests say she was normal.
Now six weeks after her cremation I'm just now getting though the days without crying in the middle of the night. My husband has been amazing, my rock and my shelter when things get too overwhelming. I don't know why God would have us go through so many trials made to tear us apart- depression,war, infidelity, financial problems, job loss, the loss of our baby. It seems to have brought us closer.
I used to question if I made the right decision staying and fighting for my marriage, so many people questioned my sanity as I did. I'm married to my best friend, that never changed and it seems God had bigger plans for us. Our journey together wasn't meant to stop 3 years ago. I'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason. Although I'm struggling to find the good in the loss of our baby, I'm at peace with the series of events that brought me to where I am today.
I'm a stronger person because of it, it hasn't been easy. There are times the affair comes up and triggers bring back those painful moments, but I learn not to let them take over or hinder my progress. I redirect my negative talk into positive ones.
The hardest days are days like yesterday, when the other woman finds a way to break through the barriers my husband put up to end contact to say she was thinking of him on their 3 yr anniversary of their first date and to wish him a happy new year. He cancelled his phone, deleted his email accounts, deleted his Pinterest,blocked her on facebook- but she messaged him through her sisters Facebook. He didn't respond, but told me right away and we talked through his anxiety over how she would react to his lack of response and blocking her sister, and what her next retaliation will be when she doesn't get what she wants.
Things like this used to set me back, make me feel threatened or insecure but they don't now. Her ability to constantly bring up the past and why things didn't work out for them, doesn't affect me anymore. I'm ready to enjoy the now and later, instead of worry over the past. I hate that my husband still has to deal with her at times, despite his best efforts, or how I cancelled my facebook because of her stalking me and we didn't want her to know about the baby, but I know it could be years before she finally moves on. It won't be the last time she finds a way to get her jabs in, but we are stronger now. We talk about everything now. I'm just thankful for the 4 month break we had from her jabs, it was needed.,
My husband seems to think I want magic love, but I dont. I just want consistent, faithful, dependable love. We both agree that's what we both want and that we have something worth keeping. It's constant work, but luckily my husband knows me well enough to know if I'm pushing him away or holding back tears over Zoey, he cries with me still over her loss.
It's the simple things now that matter most. Like when I'm laying on his chest reading him poetry I like as he plays his game, or cooking dinner together, sleeping in or enjoying a long bath where we discuss our future goals. He is his own person, and I'm my own person, we both have our lives and individuality and we'd be more than fine without each other. We don't need each other, but we want each other. Our lives are good on their own, but our lives together are even better.
It's been a long journey to get to the place where I'm at peace with my decision to stay,where i treat his affair as a past event, not one where I'm comparing her to me, feeling threatened or treating it like a current event. I forgave him a long time ago, but the part where I forgave myself for allowing someone to treat me that way, that took a little longer.
I hope this somehow comforts others, especially as we prepare for another year to end and a new one to begin. There will come a time where it gets easier to move forward, where you stop beating yourself up over decisions you made or didn't make and a time where you put the past to rest, you accept it for the lessons it taught you and are at peace with who it's made you today.
Happy new year friends :)
It wasn't until I hit rock bottom- in an ER drinking activated charcoal to pump the sleeping pills out of my stomach on the first Thanksgiving after the affair that I knew something had to change.
That was my turning point, up until then I was just waiting for something to happen, instead of taking control of my own life and future. I didn't value myself or my life and that also had to change.
I went to counseling to work on loving myself by myself, regardless of my relationship status. I dealt with my anxiety, my love addiction and learned what a healthy relationship should be. I did this a part from my husband. We spent six months apart, him with family back in TN me here with our house and dogs. We spent the next six months easing back into living together.
I did things for myself and enjoyed being alone. My husband went to warrior camps for counseling to deal with his PTSD from war and his relationships. When he was home we saw a marriage counselor who specialized in PTSD which helped. She told me, my husband may never be able to love me like I want him to because war changes people.
Earlier this year, things finally, for the most part clicked for us. I became pregnant with our first child and I had never felt happier. The sense of stability I had been missing, I had it back. In June we found out our baby's prognosis was not good and at 17 weeks pregnant we were told to prepare for our baby's funeral, that I'd lose her before 23 weeks. Every week I went for an ultrasound, felt her move and we both fell more in love with her. At 35 weeks, on 11/12 against all odds, our baby girl Zoey Sophia made her debut. For 18 hours she fought to live, but we saw her suffering as they tried to revive her for the third time and we made the devastating decision to stop her suffering. We held her as she passed. She was beautiful and my heart breaks over why she was so sick, all the tests say she was normal.
Now six weeks after her cremation I'm just now getting though the days without crying in the middle of the night. My husband has been amazing, my rock and my shelter when things get too overwhelming. I don't know why God would have us go through so many trials made to tear us apart- depression,war, infidelity, financial problems, job loss, the loss of our baby. It seems to have brought us closer.
I used to question if I made the right decision staying and fighting for my marriage, so many people questioned my sanity as I did. I'm married to my best friend, that never changed and it seems God had bigger plans for us. Our journey together wasn't meant to stop 3 years ago. I'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason. Although I'm struggling to find the good in the loss of our baby, I'm at peace with the series of events that brought me to where I am today.
I'm a stronger person because of it, it hasn't been easy. There are times the affair comes up and triggers bring back those painful moments, but I learn not to let them take over or hinder my progress. I redirect my negative talk into positive ones.
The hardest days are days like yesterday, when the other woman finds a way to break through the barriers my husband put up to end contact to say she was thinking of him on their 3 yr anniversary of their first date and to wish him a happy new year. He cancelled his phone, deleted his email accounts, deleted his Pinterest,blocked her on facebook- but she messaged him through her sisters Facebook. He didn't respond, but told me right away and we talked through his anxiety over how she would react to his lack of response and blocking her sister, and what her next retaliation will be when she doesn't get what she wants.
Things like this used to set me back, make me feel threatened or insecure but they don't now. Her ability to constantly bring up the past and why things didn't work out for them, doesn't affect me anymore. I'm ready to enjoy the now and later, instead of worry over the past. I hate that my husband still has to deal with her at times, despite his best efforts, or how I cancelled my facebook because of her stalking me and we didn't want her to know about the baby, but I know it could be years before she finally moves on. It won't be the last time she finds a way to get her jabs in, but we are stronger now. We talk about everything now. I'm just thankful for the 4 month break we had from her jabs, it was needed.,
My husband seems to think I want magic love, but I dont. I just want consistent, faithful, dependable love. We both agree that's what we both want and that we have something worth keeping. It's constant work, but luckily my husband knows me well enough to know if I'm pushing him away or holding back tears over Zoey, he cries with me still over her loss.
It's the simple things now that matter most. Like when I'm laying on his chest reading him poetry I like as he plays his game, or cooking dinner together, sleeping in or enjoying a long bath where we discuss our future goals. He is his own person, and I'm my own person, we both have our lives and individuality and we'd be more than fine without each other. We don't need each other, but we want each other. Our lives are good on their own, but our lives together are even better.
It's been a long journey to get to the place where I'm at peace with my decision to stay,where i treat his affair as a past event, not one where I'm comparing her to me, feeling threatened or treating it like a current event. I forgave him a long time ago, but the part where I forgave myself for allowing someone to treat me that way, that took a little longer.
I hope this somehow comforts others, especially as we prepare for another year to end and a new one to begin. There will come a time where it gets easier to move forward, where you stop beating yourself up over decisions you made or didn't make and a time where you put the past to rest, you accept it for the lessons it taught you and are at peace with who it's made you today.
Happy new year friends :)
Your reaction to the trigger of contact from the OW is also impressive , I struggle with triggers every day.
All I can say is well done, I am very happy for you.
Back in the day, I might have been one of the members that Urged you to move on or do the 180. I clearly remember your story. Both you and your husband have come a very long way since then. It sounds like you saw the potential and didn't give up.
Pink pony- hey friend! Thank you for the kind words over my loss. I wish I would have been strong enough to do the 180 and move on right away- I still reimagine how it would be if I did, how different things would be, the pain I would have saved us both really. It could have easily ended differently if I did. I don't know why, if it's because I'm crazy or because we love each other but it brought us to where we are today. Thanks for the kudos!
How can- I'm glad my long novel of babbling could offer you some inspiration, I'm glad it touched someone :)