Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I really need some advice. Lately, all I can think about is getting revenge. I thought i was hiding my feelings of anger pretty good the other day, but before my H left for work he said " you don't like me today do you?" I said not as much as I should. So after he left, I sat down and wrote him a very angry letter and used alot of crude words. Everytime I think of what he did, I would like to slap him.
Then I get scared and think,maybe I'll be one of the ones who cannot deal with this. I will never get over it. And yes, I think the only way I'll feel "even"[ for lack of a better word] is if I do the same thing. Maybe not intercourse, but something sexual with someone else.
Even as I write this, I know what everyone will say. But I don't know what to do with these feelings. I did tell him I was sorry for the crude letter. He said if thats how you feel, then don't be sorry. But I think of him leaving our bed to go pick her up for work. He left early so they would have time to be together beforehand. I wrote something like' picking her up with a stiff dick'. That was the mildest thing.
He said "it sounds like you want to get even". I told him I know thats not the right thing to do. But maybe it is. How can they really understand unless they feel this too?
I really do hate that he did this to us. I don't know if I can accept this or not, but the thought of him not being in my life anymore breaks my heart. What the hell do you do with that?
Then I get scared and think,maybe I'll be one of the ones who cannot deal with this. I will never get over it. And yes, I think the only way I'll feel "even"[ for lack of a better word] is if I do the same thing. Maybe not intercourse, but something sexual with someone else.
Even as I write this, I know what everyone will say. But I don't know what to do with these feelings. I did tell him I was sorry for the crude letter. He said if thats how you feel, then don't be sorry. But I think of him leaving our bed to go pick her up for work. He left early so they would have time to be together beforehand. I wrote something like' picking her up with a stiff dick'. That was the mildest thing.
He said "it sounds like you want to get even". I told him I know thats not the right thing to do. But maybe it is. How can they really understand unless they feel this too?
I really do hate that he did this to us. I don't know if I can accept this or not, but the thought of him not being in my life anymore breaks my heart. What the hell do you do with that?
The sucky thing is, they will never understand the magnitude of how upsetting this is. They simply won't, and that's one of the things you will need to reconcile with yourself while you reconcile with him.
I also worry that I will not be able to recover. I cant get past this right now and just last night had a very emotional conversation with H. We are doing well, but emotionally, I have been destroyed down to my soul. Just want to get through one day without thinking about them spending time as a family while I thought he was working or at class. I have so many triggers since I work in a public place.
The CS seems to just pick up where they left off before their A and the BS is left trying to pick up the pieces. Not how i envisioned my marriage...
Sometimes you need to vent, I have yelled and cried countless times to my husband; it makes him feel horrible, but he realizes I need to do that sometimes. We always talk after I explode at him and that is the number one thing that helps. I get what I need to out and then we talk about what is real. Never leave each other angry if it can be helped.
I will most likely never do anything that I shouldn't. And I do not have someone in mind either. It's just this anger spell is the worst one that I've had.
I'm still not sure how my marriage will end up. I have learned to never say anything for sure because my emotions and moods vary from day to day. But I did tell my H that now I can't be positive of anything at all. Not even of my own behavior. That is all on him.
If I couldn't count on him to be the H he was supposed to be, the one I thought he was. Then I can count on nothing.
At best, these tools help cope one day at a time.
Hang in there, you did not deserve this.
Wishing you peace.....it will get better.
As a national speaker (and a mini-celebrity of sorts), I've had so many "qualified" opportunities to stray and wouldn't do it. I felt uncomfortable even being in a situation to have to decide whether it was right or wrong (basically having to turn down a proposition). But I did. Not because I was affraid of it getting back to my wife, but because it was just inherrently wrong. It violated my vows. Those vows were with my wife (who may never have found out if I cheated) but were with God as well. I just couldn't live with myself if I did that. My conscience just wouldn't allow it. The cheating spouse doesn't have that same moral fibre that stops that from happening. So they wouldn't hurt the way you do. It would just make you a scumbag, piece of shit, low-life, dirtbag, whore, slut, leg spreading, cum guzzling cheater. I'm sure this is similar to how you described your husband in your letter. Maintain your integrity and don't stoop to his level! Regardless of whether your marriage survives, you can hold your head up high. Fantasize about the revenge affair if it helps. Just don't go there.
Yes, the thoughts get less and less as time goes by. I used to think about my wife's infidelities on an hourly basis. Now, almost a year later, it's a few times a day. We are replacing the bad memories with better ones and rebuilding our marriage. I'm working with my therapist (and my wife) to heal. There is no guarantees that the next spouse wouldn't cheat as well. I've read comments from people who say they are on their 3rd cheating partner! Some estimates put cheating at 80 percent! Better the devil I know than the one I don't.
If your husband has true remorse, guilt, and the ability/promiss/committment to never cheat again, then you can make this work. Perhaps write about how you feel, read it allowed to yourself, then burn it as a healing excercise. Also, journaling is good. You can go back months later and see how far you've progressed. I'm proud of myself for where I've come, even over just the last few months. I wish you luck.
i think all we B.S. here can relate to how and what you are feeling.
I divorced my cheating ex wife but before I did, and after she had moved out, I went out and got laid by a woman who in turn left a message on my FB page that left no doubt about what had happened. My wife was all hurt and shit about how "I had betrayed her" and I realized, "Hey, I can hurt you back, you bitch." Then I went out and got laid by as many different women as I could, as often as I could and each time, it felt like I was stabbing her in her evil black heart.
I an not proud of what I did now and I think it may have contributed to the ultimate demise of our marriage, but at the time, I was so damn angry, I just wanted to do some hurting back. Even after all that, I still wanted to slap the snot out of her smug face and I have never struck a woman in my life.
I don't know how to advise you, but I think you need to do what is best for you at this time.
Wishing you well.
Mick
Remember, you have a lot going for your marriage.
He is trying ......which is more than many of us get here.
In 8 More months you will be feeling better.......not perfect....but better.
Romans 12:19-21
Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord. 20 To the contrary, if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head. 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
I KNOW I HAVE BECOME A BETTER AND STRONGER INDIVIDUAL...I FEEL IT PULSATING THRU MY VIENS...