IMO, the news should come from her, not you. She needs to be the one to suck it up and confess to him. However, if it looks like she's not going to do so, maybe you could do an anonymous letter.

Sounds like she's maybe trying to sneak around not telling him and that the therapy is her way of dealing with the guilt and thinking she can fix the problem without him knowing why or for what. But part of me is thinking he may know more than they think he does.

You also want to be careful talking to the OW's H, if a friendship develops there, it can end up turning into something you don't want it to and that can lead to trouble.

Wishing you the best.

I'm really mixed on this one D. I agree that she should be the one to tell him but if and when he finds out he'll feel twice the fool that we do if he realizes you know.

You can't really know for sure what's happening there or what you're H is telling you either because he probably doesn't know the whole story.

Have you considered talking to her yourself? When I suggested talking to the OW, my H was dead set against it. I now know that he didn't want her to spill everything to me. Thing is, I found out anyway.

Mine was divorced and the situation is complicated by the fact that her XH works at the same school that my H does and she did. She's now "laid off". SCORE!

What does your H say about all of this?

NOT telling her husband can be a great leverage tool, ie "You contact MY husband again, and I go to yours". Would I stoop that low? Yep, why not.

But if he DOESN'T know it can work out quite a few ways, just like you said
1.) wake her the hell up and the affair would end
2.) push them together... etc......

In this situation * I would tell him* and then laugh in her face about doing same. On the other hand, I wouldn't want to hurt him, so I might not tell him.

Anonymous letters are great....

Well, I did tell the OW Husband, but I threatened to do so 1st to my H, who then told his "sweetie co-worker", who delivered the possiblility to her H. Not smart, not recommended, because the other H had a huge "heads up" from his wife (OW), who was able to color the conversation as she wanted, and of course, convince her H that I was "delusional", very jealous, and simply ridiculous. So by the time I called him, he already said, "Oh, I know they're good friends, I know ___ very well (my H), and I'm fine with it!!
When I proceeded to provide more info regarding phone call, texts logs, and emails, he still said he had no problem, cuz he too, has a female friend and work, and they are "just friends" too.

I also sent an email, about a month later, and that didn't go so well either.

I talked with the OW, several days after discovering about my H & her (coworkers, yikes) having an emotional affair, in person at my house, but she just flatly denied it, and said that she wasn't going to lose her beautiful home, kids, and jeopardize her marriage over this, which didn't exist. Puh-leeeze!

However, 2 months after the fact, my exH got kicked out of the house, I was a wreck, looking into divorce due to his covering things up, his anger towrds me, defensiveness, and continued BS along with all the crying & sleepless nites on my part...it was looking real bad.

So now we're in counselling, (12 year marriage), and I suggested that we 4 get together (we used to be friends all 4 of us), and he admits that he was infatuated with her (he just admitted this 2 weeks ago), as well as had considered what life would be like if they were together!!! Nice huh??? That cut like a whip!! So of course, since she flatly refused him, he wants to make our marriage work. Oh, of course, I'm still skeptical about his sincerity, or shall I say his matter of convernience???
He called her H, I heard it on the speaker phone & did attempt to set up the meeting. He said he'd talk to his wife (OW) about it, and never ret'd the call. 4 days later, @ work, she brings up the discussion to my H, trying to get the infor. on the topic of the discussion, he flatly refused to tell her, jsut said his therapist felt it would be a good move, for closure. I felt it would be good to finally admit his error, show his remorse, and take responsibility.
She was anxious, said "It's not gonna happen" several times, he pushed for it (I hear this 2nd hand from my H while they're @ work). He says he used the guilt trip, "WEll then, I guess our friendship doesn't mean as much as I thought". lol
Manipulative, yes, if it really happened???
Now she's angry with him, because she can't control him, and get the info, yet want to keep the 4 of us away from each other. She must know that he was going to admit to the infatuation part, and reveal more than her H really knows. So that worked out the best for me, because another co-worker told me she noticed that the 2 of them weren't talking, and the OW told her, that my H was mad at her. See how sneaky, and full of lies these cheaters are.
So I hope she stays mad for a while, because now it makes it easier for my H to avoid her, but let's be real here for a moment...
They do work closely on projects together, and anything is possible. She may manipulate this to her advantage, because she seems very competitive, and has to have the attn. from all men around her. I told my H, he was guilty, he was responsible for all this BS, but that she also participated, and used him for his attention, etc. who the hell knows what else.

Yeah, I felt bad for the OW's H also, but he didn't seem concerned at all. His head was 1/2 in the sand, and the other 1/2 of the time up his butt!!

So don't give a heads up, or threaten first. If you do it, do it spontaneously. Hopefully in person, if possible. It would be great if you could contact him directly, meet minutes later, and then tell him before the 2 cheaters get into the mix, and manipulate, lie, cheat, and betray some more...
You know that is what they do best!!!

Especially if you suspect that the affair is still going on, which I think my H did at first, even tho they claim it was only "emotional" only,,,hmphhh, and "best friends" , just friends, & all the BS lies.

I found out by phone logs, and text messages. This is often a valuable resource, but most cheaters have it all on-line to hide it from their spouse or sign,other, and then they also hide the passwords,along with hiding who the hell knows what else.
Check for receipts, on credit cards, check the car carefully, every nook and cranny. YOu start to feel like you are the private detective, and really no one wants to live like that!

But I am sorry for yur situation, and your pain. Best of luck!

I'll tell you how it goes once I've told him - because that's exactly what I plan on doing. Gently, and with concern, but I'll definitely be telling him very soon.

I've been sleuthing for the the identity of the (now former) OW and her H for weeks, and just finally hit the jackpot.

I thought about using it as leverage, like Betrayed suggested, but since I promised my H I wouldn't contact her again I cannot do that (we're attempting reconciliation and this would be a bad move on my part). An unfortunate promise that I regret.

However, I never promised not to contact her husband ...in fact, I've stated my intentions to my H previously and left it at "if I find out who he is". And now I have.

So I created a new email address and sent him an anonymous email saying that there is a serious situation involving his wife, and asked him to reply so I can give him the information confidentially. If he responds I'll insist on giving the information over the phone, because (although doubtful in this particular situation) she could be intercepting his email.

No reply yet, but it's only been a day. If there is no response after a few more days I'm going to call the phone number I found for him, and see what happens then. If it comes down to it I'll drive the 50 miles to visit him personally.

Hell yes I'm determined to do this. Even though the affair is over. If I were in his shoes, I'd definitely want to know. Anyway, I've been so determined to find him that now it would seem like a waste if I did nothing. And I'd also feel bad for being in on the "secret" that is being kept from him.

So yeah, I'll post in this thread again once the deed is done to tell you about how my experience went.

Blondgal, I think she was as manipulative with her H as she was with YOUR H.

Don't know if you should tell or not. I really think all the cards should be on the table in my own life. But this is yours. Obviously, you feel the same, don't you?

Keep us posted as to what happens.

Hello MushroomT
Do be careful if you go and confront him face to face. You don't know this man and you don't know how he'll react.
I understand though you doing what you are about to do.
If you call him and speak over the phone do be careful that you're not being taped.
Yes the outcome will be interesting so do keep us informed. At least then we'll know that you're okay.
God bless and take care
A

The OW for us confessed to her H on the phone (he's a trucker). She told him not to tell me, that my H needs to do it...my H never would have, he's said as much...her H called me right away & if he hadn't I would still feel like something was wrong & our marriage would not be able to heal. It's not perfect, but we are now aware of what is wrong in our marriage & we can both make choices to heal or hurt. I am glad her H told me even though it hurt like hell to finally know the truth!

Once I found out who the OM was I immediately called him. I told him if he contacted my wife again that the next call I made would be to his wife. Then I made some other statements to him. Later I decided to contact his wife anyway. He had already told her. I would do it again in a heartbeat. It wasnt until after I talked to both of them that I finally felt it was over between them.

Thank you all for your input. It's very helpful!

Well, after a week of thinking about this, I put out a phone call. But NOT to the OW H, but to the OW.

As I said in my journal, what a burden lifted off my shoulders.

She was deeply saddened by her actions, acknowledged it was distructive, and a huge mistake on both of their parts. She received my first email and tried several times to write to me and apologize, but deleted prior to sending. She is in therapy and I think she's working on disclosing the A to the H. She answered all of my questions and confirmed everything H told me to be true.

I also said in my journal I don't think this makes H and I any closer in the area of rebuilding, (because I doubt his true commitment, and he doubts my ability to get past the A, and give trust back..)

For me personally, this felt like a big step in the right direction for me to heal.

D-

I experienecd this...only that the husband of my ex-husband's mistress was the one who told me. My first reaction was denial because it was the woman involved was a vlose friend of mine. I got defensive and I woudn't believe him. I told him that his wife who is my friend would never do that to me. I even defended her...it took me about a week or 2 to absorb the truth abd be ready to accept it. Then that story was confirmed by my own sister too...that was when I knew it was true and I decided to move to the USA 7.5 years ago only to meet my cheating ex-boyfriend here in AZ...it's like a nightmare that won't end...back in the same boat.

You shouldnt stick your nose in other people business if you can avoid it. Just leave their relationship alone and worry about your own.

I think that she should be the one to tell her H but will she? Most likely not. You could always send her an anonymous letter. It may not be "her" relationship but it is her business b/c her husband was involved.

Most waywards don't have the balls to tell you, normally the betrayed finds out on their own and then confronts them and they either deny it or they admit it, then turn around and blame you for your actions.