They can be as difficult to break and recover from.
They can also be a minimization of a full PA/EA.

This is what my husband did to me. We tried to work it out MANY times. One day, we fought and told me he couldn't stop thinking about her. That's when I had it. I let him go, I don't want to be in a competition with another woman. We are in the process of a divorce now, and he is still seeing this woman. However, during this all he still claims he loves and misses me. He still tried to sleep with me. It's just wrong and I can't live with my husband having feelings like he has for me for someone else. If I can offer any advice, it's trust your gut.

My H did the same thing with a married friend of ours. For nine months he did it, even texting her when I was out of state for my Uncle's funeral. Yep, he didn't come clean until after we separated and I found old text messages. Funny thing is, I asked specifically about this broad several times, and several times he lied. When I finally cofronted him, he didn't seem to understand that his EA went hand in hand with my feelings of unimportance. I mean, I literally felt crazy thinking something was wrong with me...it would've been nice to have that piece of information while I was wondering why my H was so distant, unfeeling, and generally disinterested in me and our marriage.
I haven't experienced cheating by PA, to my knowledge, but I know an EA is devastating. He is giving something to another woman that you probably need from him...he is putting in the effort to communicate with her, flirt with her, and run to her in times of trouble. All of these things NOT shared with a spouse can be devastating to a marriage. I know...I lived it.
We have been divorced since December. I don't necessarily fault him for the total end of our marriage, but I no longer solely blame myself for problems either. I wish he had turned out to be the decent, honorable man I thought he was, but I know I can't turn back the clock. I would rather be 31 and divorced then 41, going through this mess ten additional years, and still end up divorced. theoretically, He wasn't much of a man...he avoided problems in our marriage by selfishly having an emotional affair.

I think EAs are worse. I honestly would have preferred if my H just slept with the OW and it was purely physical and he never developed any feelings for her. Sharing your body is one thing, but sharing your heart is quite another. Don't get me wrong, a physical affair would have hurt me too, but I think it would have been much easier for him to just walk away and never look back. There were times he put her feelings before mine and that hurt like hell. He would not have done that if all they had was a physical relationship. My feelings would have always come first.

Peaceofmind, you nailed it on the head. The act of, the KNOWING he put the OW's feelings first...and ALWAYS put his feelings first is what hurts the most. Being in a position to lie to your spouse, in order to protect this OW who isn't your wife, isn't the mother of your kids, is truly despicable. Just the pain and hurt I experienced, and him not even attempting to come clean until the MINUTE i found out is the hardest part to reconcile, even now when I am divorced.

This is a sore subject for me. My H was going to leave me for the OW because he said he loved her. Yes they were also sleeping together. He realized that he wanted to stay married to me and that was the end of the A. He has said a number of times that he is surprised that I still focus on the sex and not the fact that he thought he loved her. I think I finally got him to see why.

I said that is just it. You THOUGHT you loved her. I told him his feelings for her were nothing more than infatuation. If he really loved her then he would be with her now not me. So why should I be so upset about something that wasn't even real? But the sex was VERY real and so hard to deal with.

Either way, sometimes the marriage ends. If he falls in love with another woman or gives his body to someone else. Some things just can;t be forgiven. And if he really loves this other woman how can he be the H you deserve? He needs to ask himself some tough questions.

I agree with socrushed. Even if he thought he loved the OW, at least I could say there was some sort of an inner struggle - but for him to not even love her? what am I worth then? give me up for a piece of ass? what does that say of me?
:(
This sucks

"I said that is just it. You THOUGHT you loved her. I told him his feelings for her were nothing more than infatuation. If he really loved her then he would be with her now not me. So why should I be so upset about something that wasn't even real?"

And if all it was about was what he felt and what he felt wasn't real I might feel differently. But the way he treated me when he THOUGHT he loved the OW, was real. The disrespect, the lack of loyalty, the neglect, the indifference, the disregard, and the downright cruelty and abuse I experienced because my H THOUGHT he loved her was very real. If the way he treated me had never changed while he was having the affair I might feel differently, but the truth is that our sex life was still incredible, but the way he treated me was pretty awful.

Peaceofmnd,you have brought up a very good point. I did go through hell when I was under the impression it was only an EA. {not "only" but you know what I mean} I guess I thought I'd delt with that years ago when everything first went down. I have just found out about the sex 7 months ago so that is what I'm concentrating on at the moment.

I was not treated very good at all while he THOUGHT he was in love. So everything that you said went along with that is so true!

My H is also in the military.

He had an EA that turned into a PA and he used being away for military duty to hide it.

I see that he cheated in 2006. Now he has had a second emotional affair.

The problem with us military folks is that we do have to endure long separations from our spouses. They are also in close contact with others under "duress" as you said, which can lead to relationships building up - although there are many decent military people out there who are faithful.

The problem is now you have two affairs to deal with and a spouse who has a very real chance of being separated from you again due to deployment, etc.

In my case, we are still together, but the EA/PA almost killed me. And the EA is a lot more hurtful because he gave his heart to someone else, saying that I did not make him feel like I loved him anymore....HELLO? I have been managing our household, raising kids, and being faithful for two back-to-back deployments and I didn't make you feel loved?

But that said....he hid it behind military duties and I was totally trusting. There will never be a second chance for me if this ever happens again because I will not allow myself to constantly worry what he is doing when he is apart from the family.

I do send out my support to military families. The separations and reconnecting back after being a part for a year or longer can be hell. I have seen many friends succeed over the years with this lifestyle but I have seen others crash and burn.

I hope you can get some good individual and martial counseling.

Thanks everybody for your words and your support!!!

Sometimes I want to drop kick my H. I want him to be honest about his EA with a coworker and than when he is honest it kills me. I asked if he was attracted to her and he said yes - again killed me. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of the two of them talking about the problems my H and I were having and our kids and it hurts so bad. I do not understand but also know that our relationship was not good and had not been for a long time and he really needed to talk to someone but he went about it all the wrong way. He has told me that he does not know if he loves me like he should a wife which hurts even more knowing that he had a connection with her. He seems to be trying really hard right now in our relationship but because of the damage that has been done I just do not know if I want to spend the rest of my wonderful years always having this hanging over my head and obsessing about it. He needed to open up to me or he needed to leave instead of turning to someone else and causing this pain. He is being honest with you it sounds like and honesty hurts if it is not what we want to hear. Be strong and hang in there.

I just noticed that I had a typo and put MARTIAL counseling instead of marital counseling. I might should have gotten some MARTIAL ARTS training so I could really kick his ass on the days that I just get angry.

Honesty will kill me but I will prefer it. If he likes her but is fighting those feelings yes it would kill me to hear it but I prefer honesty at all costs. It does hurt to know that he opened up to somebody else when he is always been really hard to communicate with in terms of feelings and emotions. Thebeach LOL!!!!! I wish I also knew martial arts to be kicking some ass (both ways...... his and hers!!!!!!)