hi. 

learned 4 months ago that spouse of 10 years with whom I have carried and birthed 4 children, started two business and believed for all of 10 years that though we had many tough seasons and struggles--health, financial, communicative--we had a pretty solid marriage. 

was comPLETEly blindsided to learn that while I was carrying our twins (2012), sick and on bedrest for 9 of the 10 months I carried them, he began flirting with a woman who had posed as a close friend of both of ours and of our family since the first year of our marriage. 

over the course of the next 3 years, their flirting progressed to inappropriate touching which led to sexting which led to 4 sexual encounters. during these 3 years he also visited a massage parlor 3 times to pay for massages with happy endings. 

this year, Feb-March while I was hospitalized for major surgery to correct the gaping hole in my abdominal muscles from carrying out four children, he participated in a second affair with a woman he had sex with 3xs. The first night he met with her was while I was in the hospital, on my birthday.

This 2nd relationship lasted a month and ended when I had the last of a series of dreams and woke up with details and confronted him about them. He has also shared that while we were temporarily moved in with my parents during my 3 month post-op, not only had he had this 2nd affair continue but he flirted with and touched inappropriately a woman in a hotel room while hanging with guy friends on a "work trip." 

i put him out immediately and went through utter devastation. Barely recognized my own children. Couldn't eat or sleep for weeks. 

We began seeing individual counselors initially and then a couples counselor. Since, we have moved back into our hOuse together and he seems to be deeply remorseful, apologetic, steady and present as we are trying to make our way forward from this. 

I am struggling. 

I see him now and I see our relationship, in many ways better than it's ever been. And I still look at him sometimes and see the man who destroyed my life. It's very disorienting. 

The damage feels so big and so extensive. So deep. So painful. It is tormenting and generally, though I have some days when I am more functional than I have been, the heaviness is unrelenting. 

I am determined to heal, personally. But I wonder if we can ever heal our marriage. 

Where I had felt more than able to continue intimacy and physical demonstrations of affection, now the entire idea of sex and sexuality disgusts me. I literally feel nausea when I see any random stranger or couple and think of THEIR sex or sexuality. The whole concept of that part of life just repulsed me now. And what's surprising is that in the four months since discovering these affairs, I have not felt this as strongly as I do presently. 

Has anyone else experienced this? How do you heal?