Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
What I'm about to say or ask could easily be taken the wrong way. Just know I'm not saying that anyone here who reacts to either strongly is wrong or overreacting. Not in the least. We can always look at generalities, but when it comes down to it, we are individuals and how this affects us will vary greatly from one person to the next based on our values and outlooks.
And that last is part of what I wanted to ask about. I may be way off base here, but I've picked up on something that sounds right, and seems to jive with what I've seen and read. So I wondered how well it fits folks here. Remember, this is a generality, and there will always be exceptions, but could provide some insight.
From reading "His Needs, Her Needs," it became apparent that what most women need to feel love is diametrically opposed to what most men put at the top of their list. To be real general about this, for women the top of their list usually has something like affection, spending time together, domestic support, etc. For men, most at the top of their list have sex, respect, being interested in the things they are interested in.
To get even more general, women focus more on the emotional connections while men focus more on the physical or concrete.
Now, that doesn't mean a man who does put sex at the top of the list isn't that focused on emotional connections too. Rather, for the man, the physical involves the emotional...but not necessarily. While a women can want sex as much as the husband, but for reasons that she sees it as primarily an emotional connection with him, spending time with him, a form of affection. But the husband may be doing it primarily, not exclusively, for how it makes him feel, enjoying the pleasure of it all, and he feels love that she wants to give that to him.
See the difference? Like I said, not all men are going to be that way, nor are all women, but from studies and experience it is apparent that these two different outlooks on how we feel love from our partner affect the way we look at relationships. And so, would affect the way we look at affairs.
And what I feel I've noticed in reading the forums here, is that in general, women tend to place more emphasis on the EA, while men place more emphasis on the PA. Not saying such a man wouldn't consider an EA by his wife to be serious and needing dealt with, but I do think men tend to look at the PA as a more egregious affair than an EA, while women don't because for them, the EA is what it is all about.
My personal example. For those who have read my story in my journal, you know how I began to suspect my wife was up to no good due to some pictures she'd sent to emails, that had men's names attached to them that I didn't know, and when I asked her who they were, she didn't say anything, but kept silent. Not a good sign.
So I installed a key logger on the computer she used. She'd been on the computer, sometimes up until late at night. I didn't think too much about it at the time because I tended to do the same thing. But it was uncharacteristic of her, and that should have been red flag number one there, or among many that I didn't notice prior to that. Well, the first night I had that key logger on there, I hit the jackpot.
Now, at the point I opened up the log and started reading, I suspected she was having online sex chats with other men, passing pictures of herself, or getting pictures of other men's privates. Wasn't sure the extent, but that's what I expected to find based on her sending pictures to other guys.
And I was right on that score. She chatted with one guy about some sexual things. That didn't last real long, however, and she started chatting with another guy. This guy she was telling him that we'd had sex that evening, and how good it was, giving a few details, etc. I couldn't see his side to know what he was saying, but assumed he was talking about sex with his wife (which in actuality was non-existent). What she later told me was he was writing an erotica novel, and he was basing his character on what my wife liked to do sexually.
Okay, at this point, I realized my fears were confirmed. She was sex chatting with other guys over the internet. I took a deep breath and said to myself, "Well, this is bad." But I didn't freak out. I didn't feel like my world was going to fall apart. I figured I could confront her about this, and end it, and get her back on the straight an narrow and things would be okay. Strangely enough, while I didn't like the fact that she was telling some guy on the internet about our sex life, I didn't at that point feel violated.
What I didn't know at that point just how extensive the EA was, as I only got a taste of it that night, but she'd had some hot and heavy "here's what I'm going to do to you" sex chats. I probably would have been a little more freaked out by those if I'd read them at that point. Especially one was a chat with a guy who lived a few hours from us, and if he'd had the money could have come here, and while she said to me that she didn't want him to come, she certainly egged him on and encouraged him. As a matter of fact at one point she said, "I love my husband, but I would like to experience that." Or something to that effect. I would have reacted pretty badly to that had I read something like that.
And keep in mind, I was naive about affairs. My concept was an affair was having sex. I'd never heard the term emotional affair before.
But even that could have been calmed. And I would have felt better knowing he never did come here and she never did have sex with him. I would have seen that fact as a good thing, and the EA as not as bad as the PA. I'm just speaking from my own perception. The EA, especially with statements like that one, I would have reacted seriously too, but not been as shocked or horrified if she'd confessed to having done it as well.
I guess in part while the EA I was reading on that log was an EA, it read mostly like playing around and not serious. To me, way too intimate details being discussed, she shouldn't be doing that. But it didn't send me into shock, as that is what I expected to find after the hints of problems I had noticed. In my mind, if that's all it was, we could fix this easily enough, I felt as I was reading the log.
But then as I read on down, and as she told me later, he was telling her about his desire to have an affair since his wife refused to give him any sex at all, that's when she decided to confess to him that she too was having an affair on me. She then went on to describe having sex with the other man, and how it compared to me. She liked both of us in different ways, etc.
Well, that's when I went into major shock overload. I simply could not believe what I was reading. And remembering the pure horror of the moment will stick with me forever. My blissful and loving marriage had run into a brick wall. 29 years, I felt, down the drain. (I was naturally feeling that way though that wasn't the reality at that point.)
But the point is, I had my total shock and horror moment not when I read that she was have sex chats with other guys, but when I found out she'd actually had sex with another guy, actually had sex with him earlier that same day even, then came home and had sex with me. That totally blew my mind. That was not the wife I'd known for 29 years.
Now, if I'd first read that email communication she had with the other guy who she told she'd like to have that experience with him, despite her love for me, and all the things they both said they would do to each other if they did get together, that would have been a shocker as well, but only because she indicated a desire that she wanted to have sex with him, and he wasn't so far away that it was impractical for them to pull off. If that statement hadn't been there, practically begging him to come it sounded to me, the rest, bad as it was, wouldn't have caused the horror shock when I read she was having sex with another man.
I relate that to point out that I know for myself, even though mentally I know the EA is just as bad as the PA, I don't feeling wise view it as bad. But I know many here, do. Some men, for sure, but it seems in my readings most who do treat the EA as bad as I would feel about a PA are women. This is not said to belittle the feeling or disparage women, or to say you shouldn't feel this way. Only an observation.
I think it may be due to the fact that women do see the emotional aspect of a relationship as primary as far as feeling love, while men tend to see the physical as primary. Neither excludes the other, but I've read more than once women say, "If he had sex with her, how can he not love her?" Well, in some ways he may, he may be fooling himself. But what he loves may just be the feeling, and he doesn't care one wit about her as a person. That's not always the case, mind you, but it seems women in general can't do that. They have to feel the emotional attachment to become physical, whereas men can get physical in order to feel an emotional attachment.
So for men it tends to be it isn't that emotional of an attachment until the sex starts...that's what moves it from becoming more than friends. For women, it is the emotional intimacy that seals it, which can happen purely with texts and emails, without ever seeing each other in person of having any real sexual encounters. Because of that emotional intimacy, the sex would naturally follow if there were opportunity.
Keeping in mind this is a generality and any one individual's experience may not fit the description, does this in general seem to fit the majority of people's experiences here? I've noticed because of these things men and women tend to see affairs differently. And that may also account why men have the hardest time opening up and ending their affair behaviors, whereas women once they have ended it, have a much better rate of successfully not returning to the pig pen.
But I'm certainly not saying my experience is right. Only stating what it was. But I know in my head the emotional attachment in some form does come first. For a man, as Jesus said, when you lust in your heart, you've already committed adultery. And lust, even just for the body you're looking at, is an emotional attachment. Not the same as woman would experience it, perhaps, but emotional attachment all the same. But it would be lust, not love necessarily. That for most men would come after the sex if at all.
Thoughts? Is there a grain of truth in what I'm saying?
And that last is part of what I wanted to ask about. I may be way off base here, but I've picked up on something that sounds right, and seems to jive with what I've seen and read. So I wondered how well it fits folks here. Remember, this is a generality, and there will always be exceptions, but could provide some insight.
From reading "His Needs, Her Needs," it became apparent that what most women need to feel love is diametrically opposed to what most men put at the top of their list. To be real general about this, for women the top of their list usually has something like affection, spending time together, domestic support, etc. For men, most at the top of their list have sex, respect, being interested in the things they are interested in.
To get even more general, women focus more on the emotional connections while men focus more on the physical or concrete.
Now, that doesn't mean a man who does put sex at the top of the list isn't that focused on emotional connections too. Rather, for the man, the physical involves the emotional...but not necessarily. While a women can want sex as much as the husband, but for reasons that she sees it as primarily an emotional connection with him, spending time with him, a form of affection. But the husband may be doing it primarily, not exclusively, for how it makes him feel, enjoying the pleasure of it all, and he feels love that she wants to give that to him.
See the difference? Like I said, not all men are going to be that way, nor are all women, but from studies and experience it is apparent that these two different outlooks on how we feel love from our partner affect the way we look at relationships. And so, would affect the way we look at affairs.
And what I feel I've noticed in reading the forums here, is that in general, women tend to place more emphasis on the EA, while men place more emphasis on the PA. Not saying such a man wouldn't consider an EA by his wife to be serious and needing dealt with, but I do think men tend to look at the PA as a more egregious affair than an EA, while women don't because for them, the EA is what it is all about.
My personal example. For those who have read my story in my journal, you know how I began to suspect my wife was up to no good due to some pictures she'd sent to emails, that had men's names attached to them that I didn't know, and when I asked her who they were, she didn't say anything, but kept silent. Not a good sign.
So I installed a key logger on the computer she used. She'd been on the computer, sometimes up until late at night. I didn't think too much about it at the time because I tended to do the same thing. But it was uncharacteristic of her, and that should have been red flag number one there, or among many that I didn't notice prior to that. Well, the first night I had that key logger on there, I hit the jackpot.
Now, at the point I opened up the log and started reading, I suspected she was having online sex chats with other men, passing pictures of herself, or getting pictures of other men's privates. Wasn't sure the extent, but that's what I expected to find based on her sending pictures to other guys.
And I was right on that score. She chatted with one guy about some sexual things. That didn't last real long, however, and she started chatting with another guy. This guy she was telling him that we'd had sex that evening, and how good it was, giving a few details, etc. I couldn't see his side to know what he was saying, but assumed he was talking about sex with his wife (which in actuality was non-existent). What she later told me was he was writing an erotica novel, and he was basing his character on what my wife liked to do sexually.
Okay, at this point, I realized my fears were confirmed. She was sex chatting with other guys over the internet. I took a deep breath and said to myself, "Well, this is bad." But I didn't freak out. I didn't feel like my world was going to fall apart. I figured I could confront her about this, and end it, and get her back on the straight an narrow and things would be okay. Strangely enough, while I didn't like the fact that she was telling some guy on the internet about our sex life, I didn't at that point feel violated.
What I didn't know at that point just how extensive the EA was, as I only got a taste of it that night, but she'd had some hot and heavy "here's what I'm going to do to you" sex chats. I probably would have been a little more freaked out by those if I'd read them at that point. Especially one was a chat with a guy who lived a few hours from us, and if he'd had the money could have come here, and while she said to me that she didn't want him to come, she certainly egged him on and encouraged him. As a matter of fact at one point she said, "I love my husband, but I would like to experience that." Or something to that effect. I would have reacted pretty badly to that had I read something like that.
And keep in mind, I was naive about affairs. My concept was an affair was having sex. I'd never heard the term emotional affair before.
But even that could have been calmed. And I would have felt better knowing he never did come here and she never did have sex with him. I would have seen that fact as a good thing, and the EA as not as bad as the PA. I'm just speaking from my own perception. The EA, especially with statements like that one, I would have reacted seriously too, but not been as shocked or horrified if she'd confessed to having done it as well.
I guess in part while the EA I was reading on that log was an EA, it read mostly like playing around and not serious. To me, way too intimate details being discussed, she shouldn't be doing that. But it didn't send me into shock, as that is what I expected to find after the hints of problems I had noticed. In my mind, if that's all it was, we could fix this easily enough, I felt as I was reading the log.
But then as I read on down, and as she told me later, he was telling her about his desire to have an affair since his wife refused to give him any sex at all, that's when she decided to confess to him that she too was having an affair on me. She then went on to describe having sex with the other man, and how it compared to me. She liked both of us in different ways, etc.
Well, that's when I went into major shock overload. I simply could not believe what I was reading. And remembering the pure horror of the moment will stick with me forever. My blissful and loving marriage had run into a brick wall. 29 years, I felt, down the drain. (I was naturally feeling that way though that wasn't the reality at that point.)
But the point is, I had my total shock and horror moment not when I read that she was have sex chats with other guys, but when I found out she'd actually had sex with another guy, actually had sex with him earlier that same day even, then came home and had sex with me. That totally blew my mind. That was not the wife I'd known for 29 years.
Now, if I'd first read that email communication she had with the other guy who she told she'd like to have that experience with him, despite her love for me, and all the things they both said they would do to each other if they did get together, that would have been a shocker as well, but only because she indicated a desire that she wanted to have sex with him, and he wasn't so far away that it was impractical for them to pull off. If that statement hadn't been there, practically begging him to come it sounded to me, the rest, bad as it was, wouldn't have caused the horror shock when I read she was having sex with another man.
I relate that to point out that I know for myself, even though mentally I know the EA is just as bad as the PA, I don't feeling wise view it as bad. But I know many here, do. Some men, for sure, but it seems in my readings most who do treat the EA as bad as I would feel about a PA are women. This is not said to belittle the feeling or disparage women, or to say you shouldn't feel this way. Only an observation.
I think it may be due to the fact that women do see the emotional aspect of a relationship as primary as far as feeling love, while men tend to see the physical as primary. Neither excludes the other, but I've read more than once women say, "If he had sex with her, how can he not love her?" Well, in some ways he may, he may be fooling himself. But what he loves may just be the feeling, and he doesn't care one wit about her as a person. That's not always the case, mind you, but it seems women in general can't do that. They have to feel the emotional attachment to become physical, whereas men can get physical in order to feel an emotional attachment.
So for men it tends to be it isn't that emotional of an attachment until the sex starts...that's what moves it from becoming more than friends. For women, it is the emotional intimacy that seals it, which can happen purely with texts and emails, without ever seeing each other in person of having any real sexual encounters. Because of that emotional intimacy, the sex would naturally follow if there were opportunity.
Keeping in mind this is a generality and any one individual's experience may not fit the description, does this in general seem to fit the majority of people's experiences here? I've noticed because of these things men and women tend to see affairs differently. And that may also account why men have the hardest time opening up and ending their affair behaviors, whereas women once they have ended it, have a much better rate of successfully not returning to the pig pen.
But I'm certainly not saying my experience is right. Only stating what it was. But I know in my head the emotional attachment in some form does come first. For a man, as Jesus said, when you lust in your heart, you've already committed adultery. And lust, even just for the body you're looking at, is an emotional attachment. Not the same as woman would experience it, perhaps, but emotional attachment all the same. But it would be lust, not love necessarily. That for most men would come after the sex if at all.
Thoughts? Is there a grain of truth in what I'm saying?
When I got to read those cybersex chats in which they basically write a harlequin novel together, well I basically got the play by play of my H screwing another woman.
He cheated. End of story for me.
I know some people got it way worse.
I'm not angrier about the texting than the cybering or than the time he spent doing it. I'm angry that he knew it was wrong, could cost him me, and did it anyway.
Maybe so, but that didn't make it any better. He certainly wouldn't have known from what she said that she wasn't serious. And if he had come, would she really have told him no? I have my doubts. But that was before her PA affair had gotten underway.
I would have certainly been worried about her desire to have sex with another man. I believe that would have been enough to force me to do something about it than shrug it off as if she were just playing around with fire.
Yes, her cheating started with the first sexting she had with a local guy and she encouraged it rather than brought a halt to it back in Oct. of last year. But knowing that, it still seems in my limited mind, much more, I don't know, life-changing, world-shaking, total violation of all I held dear that she actually had sex with another guy.
Maybe that's in part because I treasured the fact that neither of us had ever had sex with anyone else, and that was an important part of the intimacy I shared with her. No one else had ever had a piece of the pie we shared. Just me and her. Then that changed when she gave some of it away to another man.
But the emotional intimacy she shared with him is just as bad. But I think the sex for me sealed her emotional bond with him. Like if that hadn't happened, the emotional bond would not have been "sealed" and completed. Still an affair, still way to intimate for just a friendship, but still not getting the total package.
I just know for me, if I had caught her before it turned physical, I would have been certainly shocked and affected, but not like I was when I read she'd had sex with another man. That destroyed one of the things I treasured most in our marriage.
But what I don't know is whether that is just my circumstances and outlook that made me feel that way, or whether most men do tend to feel that way, and most women feel the EA is the core of the A, or if it is just all over the place and there is no general trend along gender lines.
We agreed the difference was that for men the affair is about sex, for women, it's about the emotional attachment. Even when I'm dating a man I find the same thing - he want's to have sex - I want to make out - and let things grow slowly. I agree with you....
I literally got on my knees begging him to talk to me, just normal stuff. I cried, was hurt when I tried having conversations and got silence. I gave up. H talked about what he wanted to talk about which was him or his job. H denied loving OW, having feelings for her, which I expected. Just the fact being she got what I never even came close to I was sickened, confused and blamed myself. Now I do not blame myself. I have found in my case whether it was EA or PA kind of like robbing from one giving to another. That is where the ego plays a big role in his so called just a friend friendship.
Some don't know why they have affairs, maybe oppertunity I suppose but H thinks of himself as the [helper] of the damsils in distress, or as he put it doing the Christian thing for the wayward soul. I cannot fathom in my mind for H to text that much, spend time daily with OW and not have emotional attachment or beyond.
I feel like how deeply we feel about the vows/commitment of the marriage/partnership plays a big part in how much we are devestated when finding out about the affair, no matter how significant/insignificant it is, meaning EA/PA. The EA is deemed not marriage wrecking by the betrayer. I have even had friends hint ""he said he didn't have sex"" so does that make it alright in today's society? I put 100%+ into it, never dreaming this would happen. I accepted being taken for granted because I loved H. For better or worse, FORSAKING all others. I gave and gave then found he gave and gave to OW. But since he claimed she was [just a friend] say he was sorry a couple times and now months later resumed his nasty behavior towards me because I didn't bounce back like the doormat I was before. After his refusal to go to counceling, H said to me he wanted his life back, not speaking another word about it in 10 months.
For me I have seen the difference in H for example how emotional and or physical played a major role towards her and ends with me. I as he said treated him better than anyone before but the ego for what he could get from OW is still just as damaging either way. Seems like the better I was towards him before DD caused more devastation regardless of EA/PA.
Cole...I'm with ya...I found the EA to be nothing more than a nuisance to our relationship and something that could be fixed because it wasn't physical...I rememnber thinking "at least she didn't have sex".
While when I learned about the PA, different guy, I went into shock, as I saw it as the ultimate betrayal. Of course, today I have no line between EA and PA.
And one of the things we learned from the "His Needs, Her Needs" book is that while those general traits tend to hold up, each one of us is an individual and will not likely fit that trend exactly. Like for me, I put respect as the first need on my list to feel loved, and sex second. Now, several years ago, especially early in our marriage, sex would have been at the top of the list. So now it is still high, but not the first.
But I was doing what your husband was doing, though not quite as drastic. It wasn't that I didn't talk to my wife, but I saw no purpose in just general chit chatting. To me, I said something if I had something I thought worth saying. But just to talk about how the day went...what purpose did that serve? (My thoughts at the time.) I had important stuff to get done, and interruptions by my wife to talk about one of her clients only seemed to distract me from what was important to listen to things that didn't affect my life at all. She wanted me to go do things with her, like grocery shopping and going to the gym, but I didn't feel I had time.
So I'm guessing the difference for your husband is the same. He's attaching importance to "helping" out these women but just to chit chat about what you did that day isn't that important.
I now realize how important it is just to chit chat. Sure, the topics themselves may have near zero interest to me, may not make one iota of difference in my day to day life, but my wife IS important to me, so if it is important to her, it should be to me too. We need that connect time.
What made me realize how selfish I was being about that was for the first ten years of our marriage, I lamented and greatly desired sex. My ideal was averaging once a day. But when we got married, I quickly realized that wasn't going to be the case, which was a real struggle for me. Primarily because for me, my sense of love for her and bonding was wrapped up in sex. It was how I felt she loved me. Her withholding that from me, which was at it's worst about 5 years in, caused me to question whether she loved me or not. I thought, even if she doesn't want to do it that much, certainly she can see how important it is for my sense of connection with her that she would do it purely because she loves me and I need it.
It was when it dawned on me that while communicating with her a lot, I could take that or leave it, and I had important things that this would interrupt or slow down greatly, I needed to do it because that was how she felt love from me primarily, was time spent with me and communication. That's how she bonded. Not me. I could go days without any significant communication and still feel just as loved by her. And what i was doing to her by not taking time to chat and go to the store with her and to the gym, was just as bad as what she did to me back when we rarely had sex. If I loved her, I would communicate that love not in the way I would receive it, but in the way she could receive it as love.
It is apparent that your husband is getting some need he feels is important, met by this communication with her. You may think you were communicating to him that you loved him, but that may not be how he feels loved. It sounds like he needs someone who makes him feel important in their eyes, he needs to feel respected, and for whatever reasons, he's not getting that from you. Not that what he is doing is justified by any lack in you, you are not to blame for him going outside the marriage to "fix" a problem. But if that is how he receives love, you may be able to melt him down by first meeting that need that you may feel is unimportant, even selfish, and he'll be more open to meeting your needs. So communicate to him how much you appreciate his help around the house when he does it, his providing for the family, his importance to you in your life, whatever fits the situation. I'm not saying that will necessarily fix everything, and it takes time. But what you feel isn't that important he may feel is very important in how he feels loved. And it is better to meet that need than belittle him for it. Because that was what I was doing with my wife. I didn't see it as important. She did, and I didn't realize or acknowledge that, wrapped up on my own selfish world as I was. Unfortunately, it took her having an A to make me realize what I'd been doing.
And if possible, it would be good for both of you to read that book, as it could help.
But that's the gist. Good comments.
Me too, the line has been somewhat erased. But only because I now know that an EA, left to fester and given opportunity, will lead to a PA in most cases. So to have an EA to me, is nearly the same thing as saying, "Oooo baby, I really want to have sex with you!" While while maybe not as bad as actually having done it, the difference is so minimal as to be negligible. The intent is there, and that is nearly as bad.
The more iffy one for me would be if she was just having benign, intellectual conversations with another man, but lots of them. Maybe they never talk about sex or intimate details, but just spend a lot of time talking about things that interest them: history, photography, whatever the interest is.
If she is texting such a guy and that's all it is, but she is texting him several times each day and can't seem to get enough, but she hardly says two words to me all day, then I see that as a different type of EA. I'm sure it seems all innocent on her part, and maybe doesn't even realize what she is doing.
Like, for myself, I'm a writer. That means I have several online friends who are writers, and some beta readers, who happen to all be women. I can safely say prior to the affair, that I spent much more communication time with them critiquing each others work or chatting about writing issues in general.
Was I having an emotional affair with these women? I don't think I did. But I was spending a lot more time with them than I did with my wife. And the way to fix that was to spend more time with her than I did with them. So while not an EA, it was an issue I should have dealt with.
But if I'd found out my wife was texting some guy several times a day about something innocent, I don't think I would consider that as on the same level as a PA. Maybe a concern, but not even sure it would necessarily be an EA.
For years my H was a man of few words. After awhile I quit trying to make small talk with him...so I put my energy into talking about the house, the kids, work but really not the small little things and good Lord, never about us because it got into an area where he was not comfortable.
So when the OW comes into his life, they TALKED for hours. Most of their A was emotional. And to be honest, it is some of the hardest for me to get over because we all "hear" that men are only interested in sex. I think that is not a true statement in many cases. In my case, my man, after years of shutting me down when I wanted to talk was more than willing to give her the time and attention. And if he was feeling neglected at home on the emotional side of things, he helped create that environment PLUS he never brought it up as a topic for concern - so I didn't know he was hungry for the attention in the first place because I was so starved myself.
So the EA part of his relationship was just as devastating to me as the PA that it turned into. He gave her something that I had been craving for years - an emotional connection.
Both are equal betrayals in my book.
"So when the OW comes into his life, they TALKED for hours. Most of their A was emotional. And to be honest, it is some of the hardest for me to get over because we all "hear" that men are only interested in sex. I think that is not a true statement in many cases. In my case, my man, after years of shutting me down when I wanted to talk was more than willing to give her the time and attention. And if he was feeling neglected at home on the emotional side of things, he helped create that environment PLUS he never brought it up as a topic for concern - so I didn't know he was hungry for the attention in the first place because I was so starved myself.
So the EA part of his relationship was just as devastating to me as the PA that it turned into. He gave her something that I had been craving for years - an emotional connection.
Both are equal betrayals in my book." I could have written this entire paragraph! Ditto and ditto! I had come to a point that I thought my H was simply incapable of that kind of emotional intimacy. Then when I found out that he was not only capable, but that he gave it to someone else, that was the hardest pill to swollow. The cruel and ironic thing is that he said they never talked about anything deep or meaningful. They talked about work, she boo hooed about her "abusive" H, I am sure he complained about his b-tch of a wife, they talked about medievil history (because apparently I never wanted to, not that he ever gave me the chance to find out!), so in his view, what he did wasn't that egregious. Now he understands what he did. He filled needs that SHE had, but never tried to fill his own wife's needs. Anyway, I so feel you on this!
I do know that men and women are from two different worlds.. Men think form the wrong head LOL.... sorry just had to say that...
my 2 cents...
Okay, now that is mostly true I guess. But I want to make clear that I was 18 years old when we got married and I still thought we had something great together. I know that I always loved him and maybe didn't say it all of the time, but hoped he would see it in all of the things that I did for him.
And in our case, us trying to make this work. It has become clear that he did not love her, but rather loved the way he felt when he was with her. I'm still sticking to the mid-life crisis thing. We had been married almost 21 years and he was in his early 40s.
Anyway, while what he said to her and how he thought he felf is certaintly painful, I am having the most trouble with the fact that he actually HAD SEX with someone other than myself. He gave to her what was supposed to be just mine..himself.
If our marriage ends, it will be because I can't stop the images of him being naked in someone elses arms. That is the worst part for me.