Didn't take her long to end up in the sack with someone new huh? Like a day? Yikes. I wouldn't stay with someone like this. You're in for the long haul with a 4 month old, I'd get an attorney and figure out visitation and support

She's definitely not there for you. Getting moved on by a friend is not friendship, it's opportunistic. And she should know how to rebuff him. It certainly should not have gone straight to sex.

Please be sure to figure out how to control your temper. Beating the guy up isn't a good move and leaves you open for criminal action.

You can see that the guy had his own intentions all along and used my other half while she was vulnerable. I only beat him in that instance. I think any man would have reacted the same. You're right it shouldn't have led to what it did not at all. But I want to be with her and want to get past what happened. It seems most people are giving the same advice and for me to walk away. I just can't do that

I can't imagine the pain you're feeling man. The pain I have from simply reading texts and e-mails is unbearable. I definitely would have done the same in your situation. It's only been about a month since D-day for me, and the feelings are a roller coaster. I want to walk away and bring her closer all at the same time, it's very confusing, and difficult. A couple of things I have discovered quickly that have helped are this group, and the "180". I've also reached out to a local BAN group, but they only meet once a month. My advice right now, is to seek support, which you've done by coming here and take care of yourself! Keep on with your life, your routine, eat sleep and be busy. And read that "180"!

Thanks I'll check that out. I know what you mean, I almost want to show her more love then I ever have before, but also don't want to give her anything because she doesn't deserve it right now. If we didn't have our little boy I probably would have walked away. But I want him to have his family. And I need to trust that it was a mistake and she will never do it again. For his sake. It makes me feel like I've been taken for a mug, because I'm still here she has gotten away with it, I'm sure she is suffering in her own ways but I will never forget what she did, I will however try to make a happy life for my family for the future.

That's what the 180 is all about...you doing you first and foremost. Very helpful when you are not planning an immediate exit and/or hoping to rebuild your relationship. And here I go again with the public health announcement: get yourself tested for STDs immediately. Sorry for all you are going through!

Bless your heart. I hope you work it out. I can understand you wanting to hold back, your love for a min, because she deserves to suffer at least a little bit at first. Just don't hold out too long, because there will come a moment, when she will think no matter what she does or how sorry she feels, that it will never be enough, and it's not worth saving. It sounds to me she was kind of already in that headspace beforehand. Another piece of advice... the other guy needs to go, forever. Complete cut off, he is not a friend.

Thank you for the advice klm747. I will make sure she know I still want this to work no matter how I'm feeling in the initial moment. The other guy is fine for good. She wants him out our lives as much as I do. We have even moved house, I couldn't bare to be in our old home after what I saw there it was a constant reminder. The new house is a big help. She was in a state of ptsd so her head wasn't in the right place. All it took was for him to say the things to her that I wasn't but I was too busy working to support us to realise it. Nothing will justify what she done but certain aspects make it easier to understand if that makes sense

I know sometimes it is hard to hear the "walk away" advice. Most people's initial instinct is "NO WAY! I can't just give up." And that is normal. Discovering an affair sets you into the grief process like a death would, because it is in fact the death of your relationship as you've known it. Things will never be the same. Some recover, some don't. It isn't uncommon for denial and bargaining to take over at first. That's where the "I'm not giving up" comes from. Sometimes that's right, but sometimes it isn't. Only you will know, and it will take time to know. Please know that anyone who advises you to walk away has the best of intentions, and has probably been through something similar already, therefore they know how things usually go.

That being said, it is possible, sometimes, to reconcile. Just please don't put your blinders on. She needs to be 100% transparent with you. You have access and passwords to all of her phones, email addresses, social media accounts, etc. For as long as it takes for you to feel comfortable. If she is not willing to give you all of that, or if you feel she has one she is hiding, that is a HUGE red flag. Also, please do not take her at her word. She does not deserve your trust, and if you give it to her this soon, she may burn you even worse in the future. She has to build your trust back, and it will take time.

Honestly, I don't believe her story, and I would encourage you to take it with a grain of salt. She might be being 100% truthful, but honestly it sounds like a typical story from the cheaters' handbook. I have been down that path with 2 past relationships, an ex boyfriend and my now ex husband. Her story, and the timeline of what happened, sounds exactly like what happened with my ex-boyfriend. And I believed him at first, tried to work it out. But later found out that in fact, he was already plotting to get with the new lady before "ending" things with me; he started giving me the "it's not working, you do/don't do this/that thing that I like/don't like." He had to make it my fault, to justify the fact that he was already setting up the next woman. And, most people can't jump right into bed with someone new if they are grieving their old mate, if they were truly in love. And I'm sorry, but it's easy for the cheater to blame the affair partner, they know you aren't going to go get the AP's story, so they can tell you whatever they want.

My point is to guard yourself. Unfortunately, the cheater often knows how much we don't want to lose the relationship, and they use this to their own advantage to continue to do what they want. If she really made a 1 time, not premeditated mistake, she will be willing to tolerate the 100% transparency, and she will be patient with you as you try to rebuild trust. I generally do not like the 180, as much of it is used as a manipulative tactic. But if you use it as truly a way to give yourself some emotional space to get some clarity, it can be helpful
(((HUGS)))

Thanks mate you for your comment.

She has given me access to her phone and all accounts as she wants to prove that she has nothing to hide. And I actually got the story from the other guy and it did match up with what she said... in fact he basically said he went over with his own intentions after being told by my OH that she didn't want that from him in the past.

Knowing stories from his exes he is very manipulative.

My OH has said that nothing condones what she done and she could have said no, so she is taking blame and also is going to measures to make sure I don't blame myself, as it was her fault and my lack of emotional support for her shouldn't have made her for what she did.

At the moment I do believe it was a 1 time mistake, I have seen the conversations between them and there was nothing to indicate that it happened before or that she wanted to sleep with him.

My guard is way up and I currently make her check in every hour with what she is doing and who she is with, she even sends photos to prove this so she is taking steps to help me and she knows I do not and may not ever trust her again, but she says she is willing to put up with whatever I need to make this work so the least I can do is continue trying. There is a lot of love between us and we have been through a lot together, too much to throw away without trying.

But what you said is 100% real. And I will make sure all of what you said happens and if I feel it's not working then I won't hold on I will let go and walk away.

Hugs well received thank you