Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
It has been about 20 months since my husband's affair started and up until this May we were pretty much separated. The other woman is no longer living in the same state as us, she has moved to Colorado, and their relationship, at least the physical part, is no more.
My husband and I are making progress, and every day we seem to rebuild love for each other and I am really starting to see things improving and there are days where I don't cry or hurt over the affair, and admittedly, days where I don't remember it happened.
My husband has assured me, that he wants to be with me, he has chosen me and I am the one he wants.
I do not get the overwhelming statement "I will do anything to keep you" or so on from him. Basically, we love each other, we have something work working on, we can see ourselves very happy with each other and for now we are doing our best, giving it our best try.
This is the hard part.
I am not one to make ultimatums, nor demands, nor to try and control my husband. I will of course tell him how his decisions make me feel, or confuse me, and he will listen but we keep coming to the same road block.
He refuses to stop phone contact with the other woman. He does not call her, he does not text her, he does not reach out to her. BUT when she reaches out to him, he will answer, as he gives me the line "he cares about her, and values her friendship." I can talk circles around him about how this makes me feel, how I don't understand his desire/attachment to her and he simply seems to leave it, either I accept it or I am free to leave.
We did go to marriage counseling, where the counselor suggested that we live apart some more, without any contact at all. As she told my husband that he needed to be 100 percent with her, or 100 percent with me, or 100 percent on his own. She also tells me that I am in a dead end job, need to quit, and just go to school. As awesome as these ideas sound, it seems in-feasible, at least for me to quit my job right now, and my husband of course doesn't seem willing to end contact with the other woman.
the other woman is dating other people, and my husband is very open with me about their contact, phone calls, texts, anything, etc. He allows me access to his phone whenever I would like, even gives me his password and nothing of a romantic nature seems to be going on, and I do admittedly, ashamedly, listen in our their conversations over the phone, and it is the same. Perhaps some fighting, but mainly just the other woman talking about herself.
I just don't know what to do. I feel that I found the person I am supposed to be with, but it bothers me that he seems to need this other person in his life, who really hurts me, and I do feel that if I were to leave him, because of his unwillingness to let her go, he would always feel like that was my fault, my decision, nothing that he did.
He basically is asking me to focus on all of the wonderful qualities of our marriage, to ignore this one thing that I am not happy with. We are having financial troubles, and moving out is not really a good option right now. We are considering bancrupcy, which would happen in a divorce anyway, so once that happens, I think perhaps another separation could perhaps give us both a better idea of things, but then at the same time, its just so much time invested. I am finally starting nursing school, going online, and in 2 1/2 years will have my BSN and be able to leave this town if I want.
I know this all over the place, but I didn't know if anyone else had a similiar situation, or if I am just some crazy girl lol.
thanks for reading
My husband and I are making progress, and every day we seem to rebuild love for each other and I am really starting to see things improving and there are days where I don't cry or hurt over the affair, and admittedly, days where I don't remember it happened.
My husband has assured me, that he wants to be with me, he has chosen me and I am the one he wants.
I do not get the overwhelming statement "I will do anything to keep you" or so on from him. Basically, we love each other, we have something work working on, we can see ourselves very happy with each other and for now we are doing our best, giving it our best try.
This is the hard part.
I am not one to make ultimatums, nor demands, nor to try and control my husband. I will of course tell him how his decisions make me feel, or confuse me, and he will listen but we keep coming to the same road block.
He refuses to stop phone contact with the other woman. He does not call her, he does not text her, he does not reach out to her. BUT when she reaches out to him, he will answer, as he gives me the line "he cares about her, and values her friendship." I can talk circles around him about how this makes me feel, how I don't understand his desire/attachment to her and he simply seems to leave it, either I accept it or I am free to leave.
We did go to marriage counseling, where the counselor suggested that we live apart some more, without any contact at all. As she told my husband that he needed to be 100 percent with her, or 100 percent with me, or 100 percent on his own. She also tells me that I am in a dead end job, need to quit, and just go to school. As awesome as these ideas sound, it seems in-feasible, at least for me to quit my job right now, and my husband of course doesn't seem willing to end contact with the other woman.
the other woman is dating other people, and my husband is very open with me about their contact, phone calls, texts, anything, etc. He allows me access to his phone whenever I would like, even gives me his password and nothing of a romantic nature seems to be going on, and I do admittedly, ashamedly, listen in our their conversations over the phone, and it is the same. Perhaps some fighting, but mainly just the other woman talking about herself.
I just don't know what to do. I feel that I found the person I am supposed to be with, but it bothers me that he seems to need this other person in his life, who really hurts me, and I do feel that if I were to leave him, because of his unwillingness to let her go, he would always feel like that was my fault, my decision, nothing that he did.
He basically is asking me to focus on all of the wonderful qualities of our marriage, to ignore this one thing that I am not happy with. We are having financial troubles, and moving out is not really a good option right now. We are considering bancrupcy, which would happen in a divorce anyway, so once that happens, I think perhaps another separation could perhaps give us both a better idea of things, but then at the same time, its just so much time invested. I am finally starting nursing school, going online, and in 2 1/2 years will have my BSN and be able to leave this town if I want.
I know this all over the place, but I didn't know if anyone else had a similiar situation, or if I am just some crazy girl lol.
thanks for reading
You are dealing with the same thing we are and at times it will make you feel like you are going crazy. We did not ask for our spouses to have sex and feelings for another person.
If she was still living close by, would your husband have continued the affair?
I think you allowing him to talk with her is a huge mistake. What does your therapist say about that? Are you going to tell me he can't live without that particular friend?
For him to need to answer that call tells me there are very strong feelings for her.
You are a very beautiful young woman, do not throw your "best years" away with a man that does not worship you. Do you want to waste 5-6 years listening to him tell you that you are his everything only to throw that love aside because she or another one is back in his life?
I did just that. I listened to her and not my heart and my head. She sat there and told me that she is all about me now. The affair was a huge mistake. And I checked her facebook and she was cyber stalking him almost every day. All about me huh?
If I did not have the boys still at home and have this house payment, I would be gone.
How would your husband feel if you had a special friend that you talked to every day? Would he be ok if the tables were turned?
What would happen if you showed less interest in him and you started living a "life" without him?
Think about your future more than the affair. You deserve so much better in life.
Good luck
You need to put your foot down and let him know in no uncertain terms that ANY further contact with her is unacceptable.
I ended a 30+ year friendship with my best friend because he "supported" my infidelity and it upset my wife so much. So if he would truly "do anything to keep you" ... NO CONTACT.
Be strong!
Our therapist tells him, he has to end all contact- because we won't have a chance otherwise. That is why she suggested us living apart, I think perhaps, 1 for him to break things off completely with the other woman, including contact and 2 for him and me to see what life is like without the other person.
Everyday I am leaning more towards that option. For financial reasons I am kind of stuck in our house for now. But there is an option for me to move into my own room downstairs, on its own level and start working towards separating our things and starting the divorce process. It would mainly just be figuring out what to do with the house, and splitting our bills. I would really just be looking for the quick 60 month divorce, so I can move forward. So at this point i feel my option is either another separation, or starting divorce. Its just a matter of having time to clear my head to start thinking clearly. I will be busy with school soon, and moving forward with that, and if we do take care of the bankruptcy thing, even now, or during the divorce, that will also help me to be able to afford to be on my own too.
Thanks for listening guys.
"I am not one to make ultimatums, nor demands, nor to try and control my husband. I will of course tell him how his decisions make me feel, or confuse me, and he will listen but we keep coming to the same road block. "
That is all fine and good if your husband had not crossed the line with this woman. But, he did. Thus, this is enabling him to continue his behavior.
I get your stance. Your wanting him to really and truly chose you, without it being because of your conditions. It is OK to give him this choice, but you have to have a clear line in the sand and consequence if he does not make it.
He has not made it and it is driving you crazy. It will continue to do so until he spontaneously gets it, which won't happen because you are enabling it, or you leave.
Living apart will only work if you stop the enabling when living apart. AKA -- You have not fully chosen me despite my letting you know what I need and how your contact with her hurts, so I am choosing to take the next step in my healing and I am cutting off all contact with you. When you are ready to be 100% done with her and 100% committed to me, I will consider letting you back in my life, but it may be too late. I am moving on.
you really said it right there, and have me figured out.
I don't want his decision to stay with me, to be something forced or not 100 percent a decision he came to on his own without pushing from me. I don't want that held against me down the road,if that makes sense. But I do feel, and he even told me so, I will never hear what I want from him which is "I love you more than anything and will do anything to keep you, even if it means losing her"... I know in my heart too that I won't get that..
so lately I am having my mind wonder more and more towards the option you mentioned at the bottom of your post- which is to do completely cutting him out of my life while he has her.. basically the statement "You can have her in your life, but you can't have me in your life too"... it does feel like a slap in the face sometimes, and i don't know if I am repeating myself, but I often write in my journal lol.. "She isn't worth divorcing me over, but I'm not worth losing her over" I hope that makes sense..
Let's say you find a bag full of money, This bag of money, no matter how much you spend each day, was always full and plentiful.
You know this belongs to someone else, but you enjoy it more and more with each passing day. The more you buy, the more you want but In the back of your mind, it feels wrong.
One day there is a knock at your door and the owner of this bag want's it back. You deny spending any of it and you say you were planning on returning it, after all. the bag is still full and it seems like you did nothing wrong.
You have the guilt and the things you purchased with the money and you can't stop thinking about it. How great it made you feel. You were on top of the world and now you are right back with your empty wallet and your need for more shopping.
Soon you will find yourself looking for another bag of money....
In reality, we are the empty wallet and the AP is the bag of money
That is how a friend explained it to me and I think they were right.....
People have to have inner peace and happiness - if they don't have that then they will go around messing up other peoples lives - here comes the train wreck on track 1. Heads up...if its not that then its drugs or gambeling or whatever other high they think they need for fullfullment. People should clean their act up first.
" "She isn't worth divorcing me over, but I'm not worth losing her over" I hope that makes sense.. ""
Yes it does. That is the dilemma of being a cake eater right there. He wants his cake and to eat it too. He will continue to straddle that fence until someone forces him off it, either she or you.
In the mean time don't let living like this have you internalize the last thing you said, which is "I am not worth losing her over".
Hell yes you are! You are also worth walking away from him too. You are the catch not him. But if you stay in this situation too long you might lose sight of that.
Anyways, you don't really know yet because you have not forced him to make a choice. One way of forcing him to make is a choice is to give the ultimatum that you don't want to give.
You do X or I leave.
The better way is to totally reverse this.
I chose to leave because you are not making me a priority. I deserve better than you can give me.
It takes a leap of faith that the Universe will take you to where you need to be.
Really, all he is saying is this. 'I love you and I know this hurts you but talking to her is more important that your pain, so live with it.' Bottom line, right?
Rather than arguing about it and driving yourself crazy? Say, 'this is his position and I don't accept it so this is done. Bye.' Wish him well and divorce him.
He won't see your point because he's decided not to see your point. He's dead set not to see your point. In that, he's made his decision and you? Feel free to make yours.
L~
A childish, selfish, and insensitive douche.
The absolute GAUL for him to expect you to be OK with him being friends with a woman he had an affair with.
I smell a control freak. He actually thinks he can convince you of this nonsense.
He KNOWS you won't bail on him, so he will abuse you since he thinks he has you over a barrel.
Show him otherwise or suffer with no self esteem forever.
Through my own experiences I am sure the last
thing you want is for anyone to tell you to get out. Mostly when in this situation all I wanted was a listening ear without being told what I knew to be the truth, that my husband would never change.
I see how young you are from your picture and so am going to take the liberty of saying my piece.
The most uppermost wish in your partners heart should be to protect you from ever feeling the pain and bewilderment that infidelity causes , ever again. Instead he continues to harm you by keeping this woman part of your daily lives and your sleeping thoughts.
As a woman, i have never understood who these women are who destroy the lives of other women by linking up with men they know are loved and joined to another women.how can they live with themselves or have any self respect.
i am still with my husband after years of his betrayals, simply because I love him.
I want to stop and to escape and hope I am brave enough to do so one day soon.
Please don't end up like me.
Make your young life a happy one.
We all deserve to be loved and respected to the moon and back.
Good Luck xxxxxxx