Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I found out just a little over a month ago that my husband and best friend were having an affair. I got a double whammy to say the least. She came clean with her husband which meant he had to come clean with me before her husband did. I asked a million questions and he answered them. I read the texts and e-mails that were still on his phone. Oddly enough, I remained calm throughout most of it with the exception of one blasting text to him and her telling them I hoped they rotted in hell and a lot of other foul things...not one of my better moments.
I really think she believed I would lose it and she could basically take over my life. It didn't exactly go that way for her. The things you find out in the days following an affair are pretty amazing. You can really start putting the pieces together and seeing the big picture you were overlooking before. Weird things and gut feelings start making sense. You start realizing you weren't losing your mind after all.
We've been married for 27 years. In the beginning, our marriage was tough but we worked hard and made something pretty wonderful. We have two kids, one in college and one a senior in high school. Over the past two years we got off track. We basically stopped communicating about the important things and started living more like roommates. The more I shut him out the thicker the wall between us got. We both are busy at work, with the kids and with other activities and it just happened. We were so close to our friends and so busy doing things with them that I don't think we realized just how off track and vulnerable our marriage had become. I kept thinking as soon as our daughter is out of the house, I can really focus on us. We love each other so I knew we could do it. We were way off the first five years of marriage and I knew we worked through that so this should be easy. What I didn't realize is we were out of time.
When my husband came clean, he seemed remorseful. As a mom of teenagers, I've learned to count how many times someone uses I in an apology to know exactly how remorseful they really are. If someone is truly apologetic, they don't use the word I very often or blame others. Had he not been remorseful, I would not be here today trying my best. He also had to sit our kids down and tell them to their face which was not easy given they are adults and fully understand what he did. He would apologize for how he screwed up our lives without a mention of his life which was key in my opinion. He also never laid the blame at my doorstep by saying that I shut him out, blah, blah, blah. He knew at any moment he could have started making changes and I would have followed along. He even talked to our best friends husband and answered all his questions. I learned that this was her 3rd offense so their marriage is over although she is trying her best to manipulate her husband into letting her come back. He most likely will cave.
Since I WAS best friends with the other women, I had some direct communication with her in the days following because I was truly also mourning the loss of a best friend. It's really hard to accept that your friendship was a lie so there was probably some denial going on in my head as well. I had a ton of questions that I wanted answers to but she was so wrapped up with her life being in a dark place that I never asked them. I found myself in a very strange position of consoling the other women. She kept on and on about what a mess she had made out of HER life. There was never an ounce of remorse for the mess she made out of all our lives. I immediately blocked and deleted and stopped all communication with her.
The affair started with her sending him a text saying she had developed deep feelings for him over the years. This progressed into flirtatious texts and then her sending pictures of herself to him to them finally hooking up. This all occurred for about a month before I found out.
She is 15 years younger than my husband and she fed the ego. She is cute, perky and fun. Of course she is fun because they had zero history together. I don't think true love comes until you've had many life experiences together, good and bad and survived them. It's easy to confuse love with lust in an affair because you've only shared the best of each other. She hasn't nagged you to take the trash out or all the other stuff that makes wives boring. Their affair was my worst nightmare. It was not only sex but also emotional. We were friends so there was already an emotional attachment, the sex was just the icing on the cake.
When I first learned of the affair, I immediately cut off all communications between them. I said if he wanted to work things out, that was how it had to be and he agreed. What I didn't take time to think about was that damn emotional attachment and the fact the affair needed to be ended. This reared it's ugly head inside me about two weeks later. I somehow knew the first bad day we had together, she would pop-up in his mind as something perfect and wonderful. I'm not sure that would have actually happened but I needed to know for sure that it wouldn't.
I talked to him and he said he really did feel like he should have ended it in some manner but wanted to respect my wishes. Right or wrong I told him to end it. He reached out to her through e-mail and all hell broke loose. He was made to look like her was stalking her instead. She presented the e-mail to her husband with her parts missing of course and he fired it to me thinking he had a smoking gun along with threats to my husband. I knew about the e-mail so I wasn't taken back but I was taken back by her part having some gaping holes. I have to admit it was a bit of a set back for me emotionally. I think I had hoped inside he wouldn't have had the need to end it but he did what I told him to do and I know with men you have say what you mean.
The good news is I do believe it's over. He got to see her for exactly what she is and it was cute or fun. She showed a crazy size that he kind of had seen before but thought she was kidding. It was real now. I feel like we are finally moving forward and the walls are down but I guess in some sense you always wait for the other shoe to drop.
I vowed to myself that if I stay and work it out, I cannot be the person who checks texts, e-mails and freaks when he leaves the house. I'm not doing that for him but more for myself. One thing I know for sure is if he does it again, I will find out. I have this sixth sense that kicks in that has even shocked him. We are very clear that I will only do this once. I am not going to be a repeat offenders doormat.
One thing I've learned through all this is I think I was having an emotional affair with her too. Counseling and reading books has helped me identify where I went wrong as well. I was confiding in this person more than my husband and that is a problem. I told her all of my concerns so she knew every weakness we both had and that's where she wormed her way in. She even went as far as to do things for my kids like invite them to dinner and buy them gifts. You hook my spouse that's one thing but mess with my kids and it's on. She messed with my kids. I now see it was part of her plan to takeover my life.
The book Not Just Friends has been fantastic. I just read it and shake my head yes to about every point she makes. Counseling is going well but honestly we both know where it went wrong. You've got to talk, not talk at each other but to each other. We've had some good exercises though so overall it's good. My husband is reading and researching too. We both are trying to learn from all this and make something good come from it.
If we make it only time will tell. We both are just hell bent and determined that something good will come from this mess.
This site has been helpful. I've been reading about others experiences.
I really think she believed I would lose it and she could basically take over my life. It didn't exactly go that way for her. The things you find out in the days following an affair are pretty amazing. You can really start putting the pieces together and seeing the big picture you were overlooking before. Weird things and gut feelings start making sense. You start realizing you weren't losing your mind after all.
We've been married for 27 years. In the beginning, our marriage was tough but we worked hard and made something pretty wonderful. We have two kids, one in college and one a senior in high school. Over the past two years we got off track. We basically stopped communicating about the important things and started living more like roommates. The more I shut him out the thicker the wall between us got. We both are busy at work, with the kids and with other activities and it just happened. We were so close to our friends and so busy doing things with them that I don't think we realized just how off track and vulnerable our marriage had become. I kept thinking as soon as our daughter is out of the house, I can really focus on us. We love each other so I knew we could do it. We were way off the first five years of marriage and I knew we worked through that so this should be easy. What I didn't realize is we were out of time.
When my husband came clean, he seemed remorseful. As a mom of teenagers, I've learned to count how many times someone uses I in an apology to know exactly how remorseful they really are. If someone is truly apologetic, they don't use the word I very often or blame others. Had he not been remorseful, I would not be here today trying my best. He also had to sit our kids down and tell them to their face which was not easy given they are adults and fully understand what he did. He would apologize for how he screwed up our lives without a mention of his life which was key in my opinion. He also never laid the blame at my doorstep by saying that I shut him out, blah, blah, blah. He knew at any moment he could have started making changes and I would have followed along. He even talked to our best friends husband and answered all his questions. I learned that this was her 3rd offense so their marriage is over although she is trying her best to manipulate her husband into letting her come back. He most likely will cave.
Since I WAS best friends with the other women, I had some direct communication with her in the days following because I was truly also mourning the loss of a best friend. It's really hard to accept that your friendship was a lie so there was probably some denial going on in my head as well. I had a ton of questions that I wanted answers to but she was so wrapped up with her life being in a dark place that I never asked them. I found myself in a very strange position of consoling the other women. She kept on and on about what a mess she had made out of HER life. There was never an ounce of remorse for the mess she made out of all our lives. I immediately blocked and deleted and stopped all communication with her.
The affair started with her sending him a text saying she had developed deep feelings for him over the years. This progressed into flirtatious texts and then her sending pictures of herself to him to them finally hooking up. This all occurred for about a month before I found out.
She is 15 years younger than my husband and she fed the ego. She is cute, perky and fun. Of course she is fun because they had zero history together. I don't think true love comes until you've had many life experiences together, good and bad and survived them. It's easy to confuse love with lust in an affair because you've only shared the best of each other. She hasn't nagged you to take the trash out or all the other stuff that makes wives boring. Their affair was my worst nightmare. It was not only sex but also emotional. We were friends so there was already an emotional attachment, the sex was just the icing on the cake.
When I first learned of the affair, I immediately cut off all communications between them. I said if he wanted to work things out, that was how it had to be and he agreed. What I didn't take time to think about was that damn emotional attachment and the fact the affair needed to be ended. This reared it's ugly head inside me about two weeks later. I somehow knew the first bad day we had together, she would pop-up in his mind as something perfect and wonderful. I'm not sure that would have actually happened but I needed to know for sure that it wouldn't.
I talked to him and he said he really did feel like he should have ended it in some manner but wanted to respect my wishes. Right or wrong I told him to end it. He reached out to her through e-mail and all hell broke loose. He was made to look like her was stalking her instead. She presented the e-mail to her husband with her parts missing of course and he fired it to me thinking he had a smoking gun along with threats to my husband. I knew about the e-mail so I wasn't taken back but I was taken back by her part having some gaping holes. I have to admit it was a bit of a set back for me emotionally. I think I had hoped inside he wouldn't have had the need to end it but he did what I told him to do and I know with men you have say what you mean.
The good news is I do believe it's over. He got to see her for exactly what she is and it was cute or fun. She showed a crazy size that he kind of had seen before but thought she was kidding. It was real now. I feel like we are finally moving forward and the walls are down but I guess in some sense you always wait for the other shoe to drop.
I vowed to myself that if I stay and work it out, I cannot be the person who checks texts, e-mails and freaks when he leaves the house. I'm not doing that for him but more for myself. One thing I know for sure is if he does it again, I will find out. I have this sixth sense that kicks in that has even shocked him. We are very clear that I will only do this once. I am not going to be a repeat offenders doormat.
One thing I've learned through all this is I think I was having an emotional affair with her too. Counseling and reading books has helped me identify where I went wrong as well. I was confiding in this person more than my husband and that is a problem. I told her all of my concerns so she knew every weakness we both had and that's where she wormed her way in. She even went as far as to do things for my kids like invite them to dinner and buy them gifts. You hook my spouse that's one thing but mess with my kids and it's on. She messed with my kids. I now see it was part of her plan to takeover my life.
The book Not Just Friends has been fantastic. I just read it and shake my head yes to about every point she makes. Counseling is going well but honestly we both know where it went wrong. You've got to talk, not talk at each other but to each other. We've had some good exercises though so overall it's good. My husband is reading and researching too. We both are trying to learn from all this and make something good come from it.
If we make it only time will tell. We both are just hell bent and determined that something good will come from this mess.
This site has been helpful. I've been reading about others experiences.
I have a feeling you and your husband will have a very successful reconciliation. Wishing you well.