Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
My husband left me for 2 months last winter basically because he had a nervous breakdown/midlife crisis. While he was gone, he shacked up with his ex-wife that he had not had any contact with during the 10 years we were together (he was married to her for about 6 months before we met). When he came back, he admitted to having a physical affair with her (and another woman) while he was gone, but insisted it was because he believed our marriage was over and he needed to "feel like a man." In other words, no real apology. I told him under no circumstances was he to have any relationship with her - friendship or otherwise - and that I was drawing a line in the sand. He has been back now for three months, and things have been going really well. Last week, my mother-in-law (who is in contact with the ex-wife) said something that made me believe he was in contact with the OW. I desperately tried not to look at his phone, but I finally broke down last night, and there were texts between them. They were harmless, but my husband had made a promise to me that there would be no contact. Now I'm afraid to confront him about this, because I told him that that would be the end, and I'm just not ready to follow through, including because things are going so well. My feeling is just to ignore it, and hope that it is some type of harmless reconciliation between them, as they were not on good terms. But I have concerns that he is doing this behind my back. What do you all think?
He abandoned you to have an affair with 2 woman
He lied to you to accomplish this.... (there was groundwork and an affair before he left, you can bet on that)
He returned to you when he wanted to, but did not apologize
He promised to break contact, but continues contact (those texts are FAR from harmless..THEY ARE HARMING YOUR FEELINGS)
"I told him that that would be the end, and I'm just not ready to follow through, including because things are going so well."
He likely knows this. He is willing to roll the dice on this.
" My feeling is just to ignore it, and hope that it is some type of harmless reconciliation between them, as they were not on good terms.
You think its okay for him and his cheating OW to reconcile bad feelings? What happens then?
"But I have concerns that he is doing this behind my back. What do you all think?"
I think he is insanely selfish with no regard for you or your feelings.
You let him slide once after leaving you.
You accepted him back after an affair with 2 woman (that you know of, there are often more).
What did he do with this offer you gave him? - He Lied, and repeated the old behavior.
I think you have little to no future with this man.....UNLESS you are ok with him cheating again.
I would suggest getting a lawyer and initiating a divorce asap.
Get away from him or he will inflict more pain on you.
Things are NOT going good.
He is lying to you behind your back by continuing an affair (whether its physical now or emotional only...ITS AN AFFAIR).
I agree with Blind; he seems like someone who will cheat again. Please protect yourself. Get your ducks in a row. Find an attorney, learn your rights, make a plan. If, after all your ducks are in a row, you want to confront him, at least you'll be ready if he decides to put himself before you. I never advocate divorce except when the relationship seems toxic. Honey, you are living in poison central. I'm so sorry.
You state above that he had not had contact with her in 10 years and she lets him shack up with her. Something smells fishy here. I bet if you pull up old phone records or emails you will find contact was going on well before he had his "nervous breakdown / midlife crisis."
When someone tells you they are having a nervous breakdown and they move out to stay with their exwife - to me I think he just used that for an excuse to justify the affair.
You can ignore it but don't be surprised to find that the A could still be going on.
So sorry about this for you.
That pain is not his to risk. It's yours.
That's like standing there while he kicks the shit out of you, and you asking for more. 'Yeah, I really like you doing this so do it more.' People don't really line up for someone doing that to them physically, or emotionally. You are not saying, 'yeah, honey, I really liked how you crumbled my world, so plase, let me sit here and have you do it all again, or play the game so close that you are almost doing it again...'
He shouldn't be risking your pain again. If he is, he's a slug.
You can leave at door right anytime.
L~
Looking back at the torment I put myself through, I would suggest that you need to confront him. Get your evidence together before you do so, get yourself an attorney, and look really hard at all your options both short and long-term.