Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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Heartbroken88 10/15/2016

I found out a week ago my husband was having an affair...he broke it off and she contacted me with a fake profile on social media. Lasted over 5 months, he said we were separated, she found out we weren't and stayed with him. It was about sex and things he wanted to experiment with. He has said he tried to end it quite a while ago but she has been threatening to tell me (he still saw her 4 days before and fooled around with her) She was also stalking me on social media and somehow got in to private groups I was in and screen shot things (nothing he didn't know) we have struggled with fertility and loss. She of course offered to have his babies.

He was diagnosed with depression over 2 years ago. He had been a completely different person. I knew addiction and affair were possibilities. I work in mental health.

He has been a mess...and my needing time to grieve and freak out has been taking care of him. He has been in counselling and on medication for 2 years. Taking care of himself, but not doing all he could. He had 3 panic attacks the day I confronted him. He wants nothing more than to work things out and stay with me. He didn't even know her last name. He has been more living and attentive in the last week and a half than he has in 2 years before the depression. We have set up 2 counselling sessions and I have already taken him to one (he was so upset he couldn't drive) He is clearly remorseful and feels like he almost doesn't deserve to live for what he did to me. I took care of everything...he did not, and didn't even treat me well anymore. I knew from the depression this wasn't him...we have been best friends for 17 years, together 14, married 8 next month.

I am feeling terribly, heartbroken, lost, hurt, angry, and crazy part...Glad it happened because it was a kick in the ass for him to take care of this better, get more help...and realize for a bit how he would feel if he lost me.

I can't trust a word that comes out of his mouth. I also can't imagine being intimate again or him even kissing me. The thought of him with her makes me litterally cry and want to throw up. I don't kow where to go from here :(

betrayedtodeath 10/15/2016

You are in emotional ICU right now. Eat, sleep, go to your individual therapy, take care of YOU! Welcome to the last place you ever wanted to be, but know us BS (betrayed spouses) on here know how you feel and are here for support. Please get tested ASAP for STDs. Your physical health is now in jeopardy. Know that you cannot fix him; only he can do his own work in therapy to figure out what part of him decided it was ok to cheat on you. Also know that none of this is your fault. No one puts a gun to the CS's head and forces them to cheat. This time right after discovery day and for months after is an exhausting rollercoaster of emotions. This is normal and why us BS will tell you to eat, sleep, get support etc. It quite literally feels like part of you is dying inside. Consult an attorney to see what your options are if you want to/are able to. I'm truly sorry this is happening to you right now. Take good care of yourself and reach out as often as you need for support. Many of us BS are here on a fairly regular basis.

Heartbroken88 10/15/2016

Thanks so much, it means a lot you all know what this is like...it's been very helpful.
He's agreed to get tested for stds, without hesitation. The kicker is we weren't having sex...the depression was bad (apparently not for some whore).
I'm so far away from kissing him let alone having sex. This seems to be my biggest barrier, I feel like throwing up from the pain of thinking he was with someone. I haven't been to counselling yet, but he has and we have a joint one next week with his, and a joint one Nov 2 with an amazing therapist. Bad timing I had a family member come from UK 2 days after D day who is here for 2 weeks. I've had to act like all is ok and my dying inside.
Thank you again and appreciate your response.

betrayedtodeath 10/15/2016

Make sure you get individual counseling for yourself. There are things you need to bring up not in front of him and not with "his" therapist. Individual counseling is all about helping and supporting you. His therapy is about him. Do not fall for any co-dependency crapola if it happens in couples counseling. You did nothing to make him accidentally fall into another woman's vagina. I can relate to fake it til you make it re:company. We had an exchange student this summer our family knew & felt a duty to reciprocate and welcome him into our home. So so hard to keep it together mentally while trying to be a good host! Hang in there!

Lenoire 10/19/2016

I concur, you need individual therapy for yourself more than anything else. I sought weekly therapy for nearly a year after my discovery day to sort out all the things that BTD mentions that you can't say in front of him. You need to get those things out, or they will rot your innards.

He needs to see a therapist on his own as well, for quite a while, weekly, so he can figure out why he gambled his future away on this woman, and deal with his depression. If not, there is a good chance it will repeat itself in the future.

As BTD mentions, if your couples counsellor makes any attempt to split the blame in any way between you, end your sessions. Ideally, couples counselling works best when the two of you have had sufficient individual therapy to understand yourselves better. I also don't recommend a counsellor who acts as both individual to either or both of you, and couples to the both of you, they should be separate therapists if you decide you must do couples counselling now.

Regardless of his depression, state of mind and woe, you need to take care of yourself, and heal yourself. If you continue to care for him first, you will be putting your grief and recovery aside, until which time you can pick it up again, and that can mean staying in purgatory for years. You may have to show some tough love going forward, until which time you can genuinely feel good towards him without feeling ill. He made the choice of having an affair which requires a multitude of thoughts, steps, actions and deceit to fulfill, not to mention selfishness and entitlement. It didn't just happen, remember that, and you can't pull the depression card to get out of it.

I wish you both well.

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