I do no see how someone who betrayed me can answer any questions that would take away the hurt. I personally wouldn't want to know anything - all I had to know, learned, I did, which is "he betrayed me". The details truly wouldn't matter. I would have to figure out what would my future hold w/this person I could no longer trust. Even if he lets me hold his phone 24/7 and I have all his passwords - the true remains that he betrayed me - how do I live with that would be the only question I would have.

Life is too short to live dwelling, hurting, etc. My concern would be to reestablish the peace and balance the cheater took from me. The outsider wouldn't even be my concern - neither how many times they screwed.

So sorry - good luck.

I'm not sure which questions your asking or need answers to so that limits how I can respond. First off, if the questions are about the nitty gritty details of the A, make sure you really want to know them. For me personally, there were dirty details I didn't want to know.

If your questions are of the why and how nature then it will likely take some ic for your H to come to an understanding of that.

If your questions areof the timeline and who was she, how did you meet her, when did it become an EA/PA, those are ( IMO) important.

the bottom line is, if there are questions you need answered to work on moving forward, then it is his job to answer them. If he's afraid of hurting you with his answers, then I suggest getting into counseling. Some therapists will see you as a couple but also on occassion, see each of toy seperately. This may be a good approach for you.

Rebuilding is not for everybody. It requires a lot of time effort and work and in the end you may decide that it's time to end it. It really has to be a decision you make carefully. This infidelity will always be a part of your life's story, weather you stay in the marriage or not. If you stay in the marriage it will need to be worked through by both of you or it will not allow you to move forward.


There are many books on the subject for both thebs and the cs. If he's not a big reader, you can order audio versions he can listen to in the car.

I'm not sure how far into this you are but it can take months (if not years) of roller coaster emotions before you can feel like your in a solid marriage.

Wishing you well

I regarded any attempt to stonewall as evidence that his loyalty was still with her. I had a right to know exactly what he was asking me to forgive, and I knew that I would never be able to trust him if he continued to keep anything from me. Some of what he eventually told me was hard to take, but not knowing it and having him continue to hide the truth form me would have made any continuing relationship with him impossible for me. In" Not Just Friends" The author, Dr Shirley Glass refers to this as reversing" walls and windows" so that the spouse is no longer walled out and the window to the AP is closed. Revealing the details of the A also demystifies it, so that it can be seen by the betrayer for what it is/was. My H saw his AP as a poor little victim of life. He saw me as the cause of his A, and would have continued to do that without the hard won insights gained through open discussion and examination.

Pink gave a good breakdown of what to know. I wrote an article called "Narrative Reconstruction" on my blog a few months ago that address this need. If he's willing to read it, I can give you directions on how to find it.

If it is just that he needs guidance, the best book out there for a CS is "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. It is also available on audio at Amazon if he's not a reader. I'd highly recommend he get hat book, devour it, and follow its advice if he is serious about saving his marriage.

If you are both healing, yes, it can get better. It just takes a while.

If he's not doing what he needs to, however, it may never get better.

Hello JessicaLeighton, I am glad to hear you are doing well.

I agree with Arabella on this, especially in her first sentence. Any CS who won't divulge the details is protecting themselves, the affair partner, and possibly others who knew about the affair and/or assisted in it.

Until you have the answers to those questions, you won't be able to close that door and move forward in peace.

When we don't know the details, we become haunted by the unknown, and in our state of grief, can embellish them far beyond reality, causing further grief to ourselves, and an impasse to rebuilding.

Details are everything, and knowledge is power, without it, you're left on your own to heal from the things you know nothing about.

I wish you strength.

IMHO, your H needs to agree to total transparency with you, and to do everything that is asked of him to help you heal if he really wants to save the relationship. Otherwise, trust will be next to impossible to rebuild. Without much needed trust, the relationship will most likely eventually fail.