Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
So today, I downloaded a program that recovers old text messages, videos, pictures, etc. off an iphone and used it on my husbands iphone. I just wanted to know if he's finally telling the whole truth this time.
I read in someone else's post previously about "trickle truth"...what a messed up way to prolong pain. It's like being shot...then starting to heal and being shot again. Over and over and over. This is the sixth of seventh time my husband has stated he's telling the whole truth this time but in reality he only tells me the truth when I dig it out and catch him with it. The stupidest part is some of the stuff he was lying about this time was ridiculous. How many times they had sex, whether he performed oral on her, if he was telling her he missed her and treating it like a real emotional as well as physical relationship, how often they met up over the course of the more than a year timeframe the affair went on, how it started....it just goes on and on. The latest "truth" telling session before this fiasco I told him just tell me everything, it'll hurt but I need to know it all to start healing.
At this point it's just like I'm always waiting for more, waiting for that other shoe to drop. It's been a little over 3 weeks and it seems like every few days I find something else and he's forced to admit it. This time I told him it's enough. I give up. Then he got mad and started being really disrespectful yelling and acting like a stupid ass. We were supposed to start counseling on Monday but I can't see the point when he won't even tell the truth. I've tried so hard to keep things together for my babies but I'm cracking under the strain. I'm just dying inside with this.
He says he's ended things with her and hasn't talked to her since I found out but how can I even believe that when every time he opens his mouth it's more lies? He obviously has no respect for me either considering as soon as I mentioned divorce he just started talking to me like a piece of shit. Please help me...advice...encouragement...commiserating. Anything. I'm dying inside. Someone save me from myself.
I read in someone else's post previously about "trickle truth"...what a messed up way to prolong pain. It's like being shot...then starting to heal and being shot again. Over and over and over. This is the sixth of seventh time my husband has stated he's telling the whole truth this time but in reality he only tells me the truth when I dig it out and catch him with it. The stupidest part is some of the stuff he was lying about this time was ridiculous. How many times they had sex, whether he performed oral on her, if he was telling her he missed her and treating it like a real emotional as well as physical relationship, how often they met up over the course of the more than a year timeframe the affair went on, how it started....it just goes on and on. The latest "truth" telling session before this fiasco I told him just tell me everything, it'll hurt but I need to know it all to start healing.
At this point it's just like I'm always waiting for more, waiting for that other shoe to drop. It's been a little over 3 weeks and it seems like every few days I find something else and he's forced to admit it. This time I told him it's enough. I give up. Then he got mad and started being really disrespectful yelling and acting like a stupid ass. We were supposed to start counseling on Monday but I can't see the point when he won't even tell the truth. I've tried so hard to keep things together for my babies but I'm cracking under the strain. I'm just dying inside with this.
He says he's ended things with her and hasn't talked to her since I found out but how can I even believe that when every time he opens his mouth it's more lies? He obviously has no respect for me either considering as soon as I mentioned divorce he just started talking to me like a piece of shit. Please help me...advice...encouragement...commiserating. Anything. I'm dying inside. Someone save me from myself.
I think you should still try to go to the counseling session tomorrow, maybe it will be helpful, maybe it won't, but you should at least try.
Try to take your mind off of this for a short time - I know it's really hard but maybe the software and having access to know ALL the information is just going to drive you to become obsessed with knowing ALL the details, which I think can be detrimental to the recovery process. I think I read in another thread before you ask about details of the A - ask yourself if it is helpful to know the info, and how it is going to help you recover.
I know how you feel - I am exactly the same way with wanting to know EVERYTHING but in the end it makes me feel more disgusted.
I don't know if this was helpful to you or not - but of course posting here can help keep your sanity - let it all out in your journal!
"Im not upset that you lied to me, Im upset that from now on I cant believe you." --Friedrich Nietzsche
The CS not disclosing the whole truth when the betrayed partner agrees to consider reconciliation is, quite frankly, abominably stupid. Any sense of goodwill or credibility evaporates with every revealed lie, and when the betrayed spouse discovers that the lies keep dribbling in, they question everything all over again.
Every discovery of every lie is replaying the emotional turmoil of when the affair was first discovered. Its a repeat assault on their sense of safety, emotional well-being and self-esteem, but this time there is an added punch to the gut as they chastise themselves for being so stupid for believing the CS at all.
The BS see that the foundations of any reconciliation are being built on more lies by the cheater, and their sense of betrayal and manipulation is compounded.
I agree that you need to be careful.which questions you ask as the answers can leave you with mental pictures you can't erase. It seems typical, though, that women need to know and men wish they did not. It's a very personal choice. But it doesn't sound like he's withholding the details to protect you so much as him.
He's afraid that if you know you will stop loving him. He needs to know that his current tactics will bring about exactly that result. Unfortunately that still has him acting out of service to himself, not for I your benefit or that of your marriage, and then you need to decide how you feel about that. What if he can't pull his head out of his ass and you have to end the marriage to save yourself? How would that look for you? Maybe it helps to imagine that worst case, solve that problem to where you could live with it, then work your way back from there. Does that make sense?
My EH is the biggest liar of all, he denied he had the OW and has never told OW he was married. We even traveled overseas together a few times after he said he wanted "out". We just came back from an Alaska cruise Wednesday, which we took his niece with us. I found out he told OW he would be on a business trip. What a mess. I maybe too pessimistic, but I don't think liars every stop lying.
The part your husband yelled at you just reminded me of my EH. When I asked for truth, he yelled at me things like leave me alone, just because I am married I don't have freedom? It was the darkest time of my life. I am glad it's over.
It does take time, but everybody is different, I have always been a slow emotion healer and it took me almost 6 years.
Take care and be well
Do be careful what you ask. A good rule is to only ask for information you need to heal. For instance, maybe you want to know where they met up so you'll have an idea of their patterns, what he should be avoiding. But what position, or whether he did oral or not probably won't give you any info for him to heal or yourself, but likely to set you back with images.
But lying is a biggy. You can't rebuild trust if he lies. And you can't have intimacy without trust. That results in an unhappy marriage and/or divorce. Until you have a sense he is being honest with you, there is no chance to rebuild. The only way to rebuild that trust is to tell you all you need to know for a couple of years at least, maybe more depending on the damage.
....but if we need to know, we need to know. Some do and some don't, right?
Fiber said he's in self preservation mode (kinda? alright, Fiber?) and that he's doing this because he feels if all the truth comes out, he'll lose your love, and she's right, with the way he's going, he's gonna lose your love if he keeps going this way. Absolutely.
My best advice to you at this point is this - you know what you know. You also know that he's not coming clean and that you have to virtually wrestle the truth from him. So if it were me, it's not but if it were me, I would throw his stuff in Walmart bags and tell him to go until he can give you the truth you need.
'Because I am your WIFE and I'll settle for nothing less than the truth I have given you in our time together. Because this is not 'honoring' me, as you promised to. Because, lastly, when someone hands me shit, I dont' accept it. And you are and you know it and until you treat me as a WIFE, you can stay the hell gone.'
So, when you corner him, he likes to yell. Nice. Would be nice if you could have a calm conversation about your position and his position and either move forward or not move forward, but that is so unlikely with all the emotions running so high at this time. That may just be a 'given.'
But me? If I can't have the truth, you are gone. Resoundingly. Period. End of story.
Built said, 'You can regain love. You can regain trust. But respect? Respect is the hardest to regain and with every trickle-truth, uttered to protect them at your emotional expense, they tarnish themselves....often forever....' Have to say, I don't totally agree, with respect to you Built - I dont think you can have love without respect of who the person is. If you lose respect, you lose love shortly after, most times.
I could be wrong.
Sending you support, L~
Ouch, you've been given a plateful of shit. You do not have to eat it politely with a knife and fork. Just hand it back to him, and tell him what you will and won't accept. If Walmart bags are what it takes to wake him up then I encourage you to use them.
I am right there with you. I feel that once I do know everything, I will be able to make a better decision. As of right now, one day I am good, the next day I could end it all with her. Does that even make sense?
I feel so lost right now after finding out she has been looking him up on facebook again. Every freaking day! What kind of sick Bitch does that?
Are you willing to be in a relationship with someone you cannot trust?
Jimmy that sucks! Did you say something to her??My H closed his fb account a couple weeks after Dday.