I do know how you feel; I find myself checking up on my H all the time. When you have been lied to and betrayed, how can you trust again?

Sometimes it's like waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think a lot of it is fear. We are fearful that they are going to lie, cheat, and betray us again and we want to be ready this time!!!

The feelings of having our stomach in knots, the revulsion we feel when we look at them, knowing where they have been - these feelings become more familiar to us than the warm, good feelings of being loved and secure.

We nurse the pain, the insecurity because we are scared to do anything else. We don't want to be vulnerable again. It's easier to live in this altered state than to be the victim of their cheating - again.

Does one's heart ever un-break? No. It gets glued together again though if your spouse works hard. But it's never really whole again.
The scars are still there.

Do you ever regain that piece of yourself that was lost? No
Our cheating spouses took that piece and threw it away. They did not value us, and our relationship, They put value on a transitory experience of little worth.

Are we ever OK again. Yes. We are resilient and live the life we want, with them or without them, They do not define us. And certainly, their transgressions do not define us.

Are we the same person? No. But we are wiser. We know our true value. And we are strong. Their weakness has hurt us, but it has not destroyed us.

So much is our own self-talk. We can chose other thoughts, if we dare.

Probably the best thing to do is to tell him: Honey, I panic when I don't know where you are. You can understand why, right?

I'll do this from time to time. I do think it makes my H feel good. I think it makes him feel like maybe, just maybe he can undo some of
the damage he caused.

I'll wake him up when the bad dreams start again. Thank God, he's smart enough to hold me and tell me I am safe.

But, none the less, things could go in the other direction. Having a plan is never a bad idea. Saving a secret stash of cash, just in case.

Two years out for me - almost to the day. It's hard. The reality is staring me in the face. I still cannot believe he did what he did. And that he picked the bitch that he did. It still hurts . . . a lot.

My advice is to tell him what you need. Simply. No yelling, no drama. He needs to be the one to help you heal. It's what has to happen.

For me, no, I'll never be who I was before. I'm so effed up inside from betrayal and divorce that I don't see any silver linings playbook for me.
The worst part of betrayal isn't that I lost belief / trust in her but that I lost it in myself.
I'm almost a year since dday, only within the last 6 weeks had the belief in myself started to return
When I "heal" the old me will not return, I won't be crippled but the scars will be restrictive

I'm not who I was, I think in a lot of ways I'm better. I'm kinder to myself, I like/respect myself more....I'm less trusting, but I'm ok with that.

It's taken years, I left him within a month of finding out. I actually ran into him today at the supermarket and didn't even care....

That is the same type of recurring theme for me as well. While it may be different for everyone, some people do in fact become "better" then before when its all said and done but that is few and far between I think especially for those that decide to stay. I think for 3 off your 4 questions the answer is no.

No you cant unbreak your heart. Like daledge said you try to glue the pieces back together and your heart just like the rest of your life gets slowly put back together but not like it was before. I think there are parts of you that you lose that you never regain. I may be wrong, in fact I hope I am but where I stand right now I feel like I will never truly trust again, I will never get back those parts of me that just "lived on love" as the song would say. And I am certain that no matter what I will never be the person I was before. Now for me the hope comes from your other question "are you ever OK" again, that I think is possible and that is now what I try for, to be OK. Even right now there are OK times, sure they are not the great times they used to be, some things that would have been the best of times for me now are just OK but I guess that I have just learned to be....well OK with that.

I dont know what to say about the tracker thing on the phone. Yes I do think if the meetings are in the basement that certainly could/would affect the signal. I there any other way to verify he was there to ease your mind? Dont hate yourself for the painful thoughts, it is a result of what happened, most of us have them, some more than others. I do know what you mean about wanting the distraction though, distraction plays a very big key in me getting through tougher times, I try to busy myself with projects or anything I can for distraction. I think our cars have never had the oil changed so often and the even the lawnmower got a brake job lol but it helps keep me distracted.

Sometimes I think the only way it will end is to end the relationship. I dont want to be that person that has to check up on someone. I hate getting the thoughts of wondering who hes with, about his secret cell phone, email etc. Its not good for me. Its not good for him either. He wants me to just forget the past and move forward. He says you cant go to the next chapter in your life if you keep rereading the old one. He's right, He is my old chapter. Time to write a new chapter that includes an open, honest affectionate relationship, with some one who likes to exercise, has no addictions has a decent job and is family oriented and God oriented.
Im talking a bunch of BS. I havent left yet, eventhough I know its what is best for me.