I have told only a select few people in my life. I selected only people who I knew would be supportive and non-judgemental. My H told me that if we got a divorce, he would be the one to tell my step-kids what he did and then I would follow with some of the contributions I have made. It turned out that now (since divorce is such a likely possibility), he decided to tell them before it actually happens. He wants them to have warning and a clear vision of what is going on. When he told them, they were naturally upset, but really understanding and respectful. They told him that they appriciate the way he is taking responsibility for his actions and not blaming others for it (as is the case with their mom and step-dad). They encouraged him to hold on to our marriage and do whatever it takes to save it. He was really happy he talked to them about it and I believe that openness such as this creates an open window for the kids to talk to him about ANYTHING that they may go through in life, without being judged.

I understand that your children are grown, so it is a bit different. I do believe, however, that if you and your H decided not to tell them... you should not. If you think they need to know, you should inform your H of this and ask him to talk to them about it. If you are talking to one of your friends or family members for support, you have EVERY RIGHT to reach out and get what YOU need by telling of his A. I did it not as revenge (these people were my support, not my H's) but so that I could get the support which I needed at the time. With the kids, it was more of informing them of what was going on right in front of them.

My H had an A five years into our marriage. His family and one member of my family only knew. Years went on and for some reason I had a melt down cause of my H's flirty ways that I told one of my daughters while I was on the phone to her in college. I cried and two hours later she was home with flowers and big hugs.
This June I found out he had an A ten years ago. This time one of the stipulations on rebuilding this marriage he had to tell his adult children. He had to confess to them and he had to apologize to them for hurting this family. That was the best thing that could happen because my children are my support system. They call each of us now and ask how we are doing, they help their dad with little surprises for me, they give him and me ideas for romantic gestures and they are even available to help us out if some of these gestures need other people involved to carry them out. I could not imagine having to put on a happy face in front of my kids when I'm not and with them knowing I don't have to, but I also feel this helps the kids especially the married ones. This happened to my parents and who would have thought that. It makes them stay focused on their own marriage and not want this to happen to them. I see they are communicating to each other now about this topic. Lack of communication got my H into this mess so they see communication is an absolute neccessity.

Most interesting. We have 4 adult children. The day after my H confessed to me, our oldest daughter came over to borrow something. I told my H he had to tell her. He got mad at me, but she said, she would have known something terrible had happened to me as soon as she saw me. I am always a happy, upbeat person. My H confessed to me @ 10PM the night before,upon going to bed. I cried hysterically all night. I was in total shock. I felt like someone had taken a suction thing to the bottom of my feet and sucked all my insides out.
Well, he sat her down and in my presence told her. She said she almost threw up. She was extremely shocked and shaken up.
You see, we had the ideal marriage. The next day, she called and said she couldn't keep this to herself. She was calling her siblings and they were coming to our house the next day at 2PM and he would have to tell them all. When she called them, they were surprised as we were to have been out of town and they all knew that soo.... They thought one of us was dying- cancer or ??
She told the oldest brother to pick up his little sister( age 35) and bring her as she may not be able to drive home. More worry. It was a Sunday. morning when she called and the meeting was that afternoon. The "little sister" went to church w/ her family. Her little boy was in a childs class. They throw the ball to each other and as they throw it, they ask for something. When he caught it, he said,"pray for my mommy- her sister called before we came and my mommy started to cry.". After church, all these mothers came up to my daughter and said they would pray for her. She was shocked that they knew anything, as she didn't know what her son said. We put a box of kleenex on the table and he told them. I felt very sorry for our 43 yr old son who had just gotten married for the first time, 11 days before. His wife kept calling my sons cell phone.He finally had to take the phone to the garage and tell her.
Now- 2 years later... My oldest daughter is a tremendous support. She was in the beginning too, but I put too much on her. She now- prays alot for me and we talk once in awhile. My daughter-in- law, not the new one, is also a big support to me even now. My "baby" is not a support at all. One day, she yelled and screamed at me until I cried- get over it she said. To this day, we are just kind of casual to each other when we all get together. All of them are very friendly to their father, but I just take it as, he didn't do anything to them. That's the only way I can take it.

Daisy Lover every child handles this situation differently. Out of the four, one will call and ask how counseling went and listen. The second one will call and ask how we are doing,but not bring up the A unless we do and she'll listen with no judgements. The third one our son is really not very communicative like his dad, but shows more affection towards me and little more distance with his dad. The fourth one told me in a conversation that I won't be leaving dad because I would have already left. I told her that's not the case because it takes a lot of time to feel again and to heal. I think the children like your youngest sees you as the person who is going to decide if this family stays in tact and she knows that only you can make that decision and they have no part of it. She knows if you divorce you have every right to because of what her dad did to you. But on the other hand if she tells you to get over it,hurts your feelings, and doesn't really talk to you anymore, she might be able to guilt you into staying in a marriage that she wants to see stay in tact. Your youngest one is the child who is carrying around the biggest amount of fear, and she is scared of what your decision will be. My kids really don't treat their dad any different but my children did tell me that they look at him in a different way. Not different as their dad,but different as a man who hurt their mom. Talk to your youngest and ask her what she is so afraid of. Through this whole process I really didn't discuss the A with the children.They were told by their dad that he did this,they asked questions to him and that was all. I never told them details and they never asked. This is their dad and will always be their dad no matter what. They know that if this marriage doesn't work, they can't blame mom for it. Dad did what he did, mom's trying to stay in the marriage, but all in all if I can't get over it I'll leave and that's their dad's fault.I hope this has helped in some way on how the children react when they are told. Every child is different and every child will react differently.

I told EVERYONE!!! I didn't care. He hurt the family to and they needed to know what was going on. I even told people that would contact my husband from the different states we lived in and he had worked with them. I told them what my husband had done and at this time he chooses not to talk to them he needs to repair the damage he has caused. He supported me all the way and sat next to me when I placed the emails. I'm not ashamed and I did nothing wrong.

Thanks for all the replies. It's interesting to see the differing points of view.

I still believe for us, telling our kids and other family members and friends would be harmful and prevent healing. As hurt as I am, I love my H and wouldn't ever want to harm his relationship with his kids. While I don't take the blame for what happened, I did play my own part in the whole thing.

As far as telling my family, meaning my sister and 2 brothers...well, my sister would be the type to push me to leave him. Her "support" would be negative. 1 brother is a raging alcoholic, and the other and I don't speak all that much.

In the end, everyone has to decide what will be best for them. I don't personally see how getting other people angry at H would be helpful. Especially our daughter...she is already in a bad place in her life and this would just allow her to be a victim all over again. I guess I think what happened is between me and H and no one else. Of course if we had small children here I would feel differently about some things. Since they were already grown and out of the house and out of state, they didn't have to deal or see what was happening here.

MelKK good for you!! You know what your family needs to know and you are handling it accordingly. By my children knowing now they have taken their dad off the high pedastal they had him on and know now he's human with flaws.They love their dad, he is a good father and nothing can change that. They now understand that their mom is stronger than what they thought and I see how they appreciate me more now by seeing me try to rebuild this marriage. They thank me for trying and they said they would understand if someday I just could't do it, but they are so happy I'm trying. My kids also told me that they were glad their dad told them. They said by them being told about this they finally know we consider them being adults instead of keeping this from them and treating them like children. Every one has to handle the disclosure to family in their own way and in their own time.

I don't think people tell others to hurt their SO I think it may come out with people you are close to because you don't want to pretend everything is fine when it really isn't. I did that for a good while. Hec I couldn't even talk about the Infidelity without cryting. Now I have no problem discussing it. I'm sure people think Oh my Gosh how can she talk about this... well, I didn't do anything wrong, but I could have. Anyone could have. Except when opportunity came we didn't. I don't tell everyone but I have shared it with some and since it was with someone at church the majority of congregation knew without me opening my mouth. So if they knew something so personal I was going to tell those close to me. You know how good news gets around so quick. My mom was mad at me at the time and called all of my family to tell them. So it really doesn't matter who knows it is what you wanna do about it. I wouldn't tell my kids because they are very small...I make sure that if I decide to share my story I tell the person I will not be able to tolerate anyone treating my H any different. It is something we went through and I love him and now its time to work on getting stronger. I'm not ashamed. I just know him better now. I might share with my children when they are older so they can understand that these things can happen and I will also share the good after the horrible things came out. We grew closer and our marriage changed in so many good ways. Unfortunately it took us almost losing eachother to realize we really wanted to be in this marriage. So only God knows what tomorrow holds, but for now I'm content and I'm open and ready to learn..Somedays I feel so strong and others I feel a little weak, but its going good one day at a time. : ) HUGS! Everyone has to make their choice. I just hope your children aren't hurt if they don't find out through you, but through someone else. You know whats right for you and your family/friends.

I finally did after many years of sheilding them as they grew up. I did it because my cheater wife apparently told our son in a vague way that she had behaved inappropriately -- but added that she had her reasons!

So I told him what really happened one time when i picked him up from the college he was attending. And since he knew, I felt as though keeping it a secret from our daughter, also a college student was nit right. She would feel badly. so I told her too.

Both were pretty shocked and our daughter cried. And she connected the dots without my prompting at all, about all the times her mom was late at the sitter's to pick her up, so she walked home. Or when she didn't attend school or sporting events. Her mom would be running off to be with the jerk instead of watching soccer.

My kids are pretty disappointed. But our son less so, he is close to his mom and seems to feel it did not impact him. Our daughter is pretty angry with her mom and considers her to be a liar now.

It has been about six months since they were told. The cheating ended years ago but the coverup just ended (mostly) in the summer.

I would have never said a thing if my wife did not try to spin and trivialize her many years long affair to our son without running such a thing past me first.

She is pretty angry with me for telling them what she did. I say, too bad.

My daughter was with me the day i found out about hubbys affair.she lives out of state and her and her now hubby came home to get married.I wish she was not there when i found out cos she was really close to her dad and ever since this all took place she hardly has anything to do with him..she will call and talk to me and i will ask her if she wants to talk to her dad and she always says i gotta go but will call him back later .She never does. I have tried talking to her about this many times and she trys to cover it up and says nothing is wrong she is not upset with him but i know better..actions speak louder then words

My four adult (almost) children all know. I think it is important for them to know as it is such a huge crisis for a marriage and it may happen to them in the future. When they see us working things out, forgiving, it will help them learn how to do this. I think my children feel closer to my husband (betrayed) because they have witnessed a vulnerable side to him they did not know existed. They feel closer to me because they thought I was 'perfect' and now they realize I am flawed and it makes it easier for them to talk to me about their problems and struggles.

we have 3 kids that are from my previous marrage... but they are his kids. ages 23, 19, 15. I didnt tell them what was wrong at first, just that it was bad and we needed to all be strong ang work together. I told the 2 oldest today. He had said he would... he did it... he would tell them... but since he left back to other state to work... i told them. Now they hate him. They are so hurt and mad. maybe i shouldnt have??? But since hes gonna be a F****** daddy...cant keep it secret forever. Hope yours keeps getting better each day!

My son was with me when my ex's affair came out. And then he told his two sisters. My kids' relationship with their dad has never been the same. My two youngest don't have much to do with him, live with me fulltime, and don't want to go and see him as he is living with her now. My oldest does go over to see her dad, but complains all the time about this woman. Lots of hurting. But I don't think any good can come from keeping secrets. they will never look at their dad the same way, and I don't know if I am responsible to fix it for him. It's like he did this and wants everyone to still think he is all wonderful. They don't and he blames me for that? It's my fault that the kids won't like her? It's my fault that they won't accept her? I think they are adults and have the right to form their own opinions and have their point of view respected. They have the right to build their own lives -- and if they don't want this woman in there, it's their right.

Hey, I'm 19 and my parents split up last year, my walked out on my dad and left without saying goodbye to us. My dad is an emotional abuser and abused my mum and still continues to abuse me. My mum told us 2 weeks after she left that my dad had had an affair too, this was 13 years ago. I told her i as sorry for what my dad had done, but if she wanted are relationship to work she had to focus on me and her not my dad. Thinking about it now I'm think it was good for my mum to tell us, my dad tried making it out she was just point scoring but the rest of the time she hardly bad mouths him in front of us in contrast to the way he speaks about her, for my mum it was not a revenge case of why she told us, she needed to be understood of why she felt the way she did and to relinquish any last hold my dad had over her. My dad thinks I'm stupid, but it didn't take me long to discover that the women he is now seeing is the women he had the affair with, but apparently it makes no difference. I don't particularly care who she is, it's the fact my dad lied and he's washed away a major part of his life for this women who he seems sort of embarrassed about because he's a very proud person. If the affair has affected your relationship with your children at all then i think YOU have the right to tell them, whether your husband wants them to know or not, if this is not the case then it is up to you, but i get the feeling you may have posted this question because you don't agree with what you therapist has told you?, as i said its different in each case, go with your gut feeling, if your still with your husband, you would be asking for trouble if you let the cat out of the bag though, as you've chosen to forgive him then no one else needs to know, hope this has helped xx