Anyone in our situation; been/being cheated on, having horrid things said to them, having the very core of their being shattered will react the same way you have. What you have experienced has rocked your world, and because you are a caring and compassionate person you step up to the plate to share in the blame. You need to understand one thing. Whatever you were, are or were not did not cause your husband to stray and leave. Whatever caused him to cheat on you and leave you is deep rooted in your ex's soul and psyche. Whatever he has told you is wrong. People do not FORCE others to do anything they don't want to do unless you have a gun pressed up against his temple! You weren't threatening him, were you?

Every day try and recognize something about yourself that is likeable. Make this a habit.

Go find someone that can benefit from your friendship. Perhaps a lonely resident in a nursing home? A mentally challenged adult? A child seeking a friend?

I'm sorry for your pain.... Sandy

Thanks Sandy. I think that is good advice.

Technically, I left him. After multiple affairs, I finally gave him an ultimatum to either stop cheating and work on our marriage OR leave. He said he wanted to get separated, I was so impatient and frustrated, I got an attorney soon afterwards and filed. (He had an attorney for a long time before that, but was still just toying with the idea of filing for divorce, I have a feeling he would have eventually got around to it if I hadn't...)

You are shattered. That's what infidelity does!

There is nothing intrinsically wrong with you. There is something, however, very wrong with him. He MADE THE CHOICE TO CHEAT!
He was looking for something to make him feel better. There are many other choices he could have made. He made a destructive one.

You do need to work on yourself though. There is a lot of reading that you can do. Check out Surviving Infidelity.com and their library.

Every week go out to lunch with a friend. I've been doing this for a month now. Everyone has accepted my invitation. I feel normal
again. Do physical things, not just exercise, but if you can, garden,
clean out a closet, that kind of thing. Get busy. It's hard, how well I know, but it is therapeutic.

Stop with the negative self-talk. It's your husband who has the problem. Yes, he has created a huge problem for you, but you
can heal. It takes time, it is painful but you are a beautiful, complete person just as you are!

Healing, one thing does worry me, if I may be honest. I noticed on your profile that you had written a journal entry, four years ago almost to the day, that is basically word for word what you have written above. You indicate that you have a therapist. Does she know that you are struggling with these feelings so long after the event?

Our cheaters all say the same things. There is no truth in what they are saying; they say these things because they don't want to take responsibility for their actions. They know they've done something very wrong and can't face it once it's been discovered. My h said the same things to me. I never blamed myself and I certainly wasn't going to let him put any blame on me.

No disrespect, but you mention your pastor.

I think they are great to understand about one's faith, but they are not a substitute for a licensed therapist. Yes, your relationship with God may give you strength, but you still need to work things out beyond what your religious leader knows.

'What hurt me more than anything after being cheated on was all the blaming, all the comments that I wasn't normal and no fun and how unhappy he was for a long time.'

Well sure this hurts...but looking at it objectively, this is just him gaslighting and making you feel ike it's your fault, cuz if he has to take responsibility for this all, he's gotta say, 'wow, am I an asshole' and not many people want to own their own wrongs.

You know, my EX did the same thing to me and I blamed me for a time. Then I got to the point that I said, 'it wasnt' all me. It was OUR marriage and OUR failings IN the marriage. I'll take responsibility for the problems that we had - that everyone has in marriage - but I won't take responsibility for his cheating. That was his choice on his own. I will never own that.'

...and I never have.

...and what Dale said...

L~

What L and Dale said. At most you may have had a part in the marital conditions that made cheating more tempting, but most of the problem lies with a character flaw in him that allowed him to think cheating was an option, and give into the temptation. On his decision to cheat, he is 100% to blame. You own none of that.

HealingGrace:

I'm guessing that when your husband married you, you were pleasing to him and nothing much was wrong with you in his eyes. So what changed? Perhaps you developed 'things', like the worrying and social anxiety. A spouse who is capable of mature love would not cheat because of that but instead they would show how much they love you by trying to help you. Did he ever try? Perhaps he is the one who changed and then looked for excuses to get out. By the way, you ARE fearfully and wonderfully made. None of us is perfect. If there are somet things about yourself you would like to change, go for it and do whatever it takes. God will give you the strength. Every piece of cloth has its owner. I believe you are still lovable. Cheers.

People who lie and deceive will always find someone to blame for what they have done. Cheaters are very selfish people and very insecure people. You are NEVER responsible for what someone else does. They are responsible ONLY, for their actions. Yes, I felt the way you are feeling at one point in my life but realized that I am a good person and did nothing wrong. I am considered to be attractive,good Mom,kept a good house and a good cook,not a prude in bed and own my own business. It never mattered!!!!!!!!!! A cheater is a cheater is a cheater. Wish I could say something really intelligent to help you get through this difficult time but these home wreckers, man or woman, don't care about who they hurt. They only care about their own selfish needs AT THAT MOMENT!!!! Good luck to you. If you need to talk,send me a message.

as toxic and abusive as the relationship was between my WH and the OW I still wonder if she was more fun. When they weren't fighting their time together was one big party. She enjoyed to drink and do risky things while I am the complete opposite. I enjoy going out but I am always aware of how my decisions will affect my children if something were to happen so I am much more reserved in that department. With her, he was able to shut out all of his responsibilities and let go knowing the kids were safe and happy at home with me.

Very easy to question yourself because how can a person who says they love you give you so much pain without thinking you did something to deserve it. The answer is it isn't you. If life was that bad, they can leave. He made a choice without thinking about you. He made a choice to take away part of you without asking you. That is the narcissistic side of a cheater. They could care less about you as long as they are getting theirs. Never doubt yourself because nobody deserves to be cheated on.

Show me a perfect person. Point to that person - I will show you someone who thinks that person is far from perfect.

Who's definition of perfect should we go by?

Is there a gate keeper for that - some standard?

If someone married you - its for good or bad - sickness and heatlh.

If there is an issue - then "they" need to articulate what they need.

Problem is - they don't want to communicate - they want to communicate via crazytown.

Then don't get married. Stay single and jump from one person to the other.

Basically - don't blame yourself - blame them for not talking to you and working things out with you - which is what a marriage is about. Working things out - its a leap of faith but one that must be jumped by 2.

my last relationship had infidelity as part of it, but really worse things took place because it was an abusive relationship in more ways than one

he was very invested in convincing me I was the flawed one at fault
that he wasnt a narcissist or a sociopath
but that I was codependent, love addicted, insecure, adrift looking for a person to use as an anchor

umm really dood?

I never worry if I was the reason, because except for him, I am not any of those things with anyone else in my lifetime
I never experienced what I did with him ever before or since

not even my exhusband with whom I had a 17 yr relationship and continue to be loving friends with after a 15 year separation

I'm telling you this to illustrate making good use of evidence --
if the evidence says you have the same problems in every relationship with a partner you've had, then yes, the problem may be with you and finding a good therapist to help resolve those issues would be a great idea...

but if on the other hand youve had partners who were faithful even as the relationships didnt work out, then the infidelity didnt happen because of something wrong with YOU

the evidence says so :)