Ugh, lost my message.

It's been almost a year for me, 2.5 years for you and I just don't think you will get an accurate answer for this. People deal with things at their own pace. Some can forgive faster than others.

I think at some point you are going to have to make a choice to move on. That is where I'm at now with my many of self pep talks. I've made the decision to stay so now we work on things and move forward. It's a slow process.

Once you know there is a affair, you get as many details and you can find and get verified, you make a decision to either stay, separate or divorce. Once you have decided you try moving forward with that decision. You can't let it consume you. You have no marriage if you spinning your wheels going backwards.

I don't think you ever get over it. It like anything else when you lose something, you grieve for that loss. Overtime you heal but you will always flash back to that thing and how it was before it was lost.

I have heard of some people who did achieve that state but mostly I hear/read that infidelity is like chronic disease or cancer. You might get in the remission but the thread of exacerbation and the need for regular check ups is always there.

As mentioned, one never fully gets over it, no matter how well the rebuild or if you divorce and remarry. That horrible event is part of your history.

What you are working toward is acceptance through the grieving process

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/3869850

How fast that happens will depend on several factors. For those rebuilding, how effectively the CS has healed and rebuilt trust for you. As long as you feel insecure in the relationship, you will feel stuck. While some BSs sabatoge there own healing, usually this happens because the CS has been ineffective in rebuilding trust and security.

For me, I finally got Unstuck when I allowed myself the acknowledgement that a situation like this would make anyone stuck.

A situation of infidelity would make anyone crazy or pissed off or hurt as hell or feel betrayed over and over again. So, what I was feeling was completely normal.

...and in that, like a huge weight lifted.

I think the expectation is that, eventually, you will not feel stuck anymore. Well, no one gets outta this whole deal unscathed, do they? Some expectations aren't realistic, as we find in life as we go along our way. I mean, its easy to say how infidelity should be handled and felt...

...until you go thru it.

just my two cents, L~

For me the easiest way for me to get unstuck was to leave. I'm not saying divorce is easy because it's not but the triggers went away (literally overnight) and I've found it very easy to trust someone who has no history of cheating on me.

I was over three years in reconciliation so I did my time there and that's what it felt like....time.

That's my story

http://thevarmps.tumblr.com/

I don't think many people get over betrayal entirely. It helps when the CS is empathetic and takes responsibility for their own choices. That I think is rare. What generally happens is blaming the victim and continuing to lie and stonewall. That was the course my H chose and the damage he did is probably permanent. The pain has lessened over time( it's been 5 years) but it's still there, just below the surface. When a person destroys their own credibility as my H has, it's hard for them to regain the injured party's trust. I'd like to trust him but it doesn't seem like a very safe thing to do. I don't know if it ever will.

Thank you so much for your responses. I can relate with a lot that was written.

I try working on accepting the affair as just another part of my life and for the most part I seem to be doing well for the most part. However, there always seems to be a trigger that comes out of no where and I find myself right back where I began.

I try to forgive and truly feel that I have forgiven but the negative thoughts still run through my mind.

I personally feel that part of it has to do with my CS and his lack in trying to rebuild our relationship. In some posts that were from other topics there were a lot of discussions about the importance of the CS working on rebuilding the relationship. I had not really given that much thought prior to joining this group. I worked so hard on building me for the relationship that I did not expect the CS to work on rebuilding it. I gave in to believing that the affair was my fault because that is what my CS continued to say to me. So I took on the responsibility of rebuilding and did not see that it was one sided until reading everyone else's posts.

I am slowly getting better with not being so stuck on the affair and I owe that to just finally getting fed up with everything. I have stopped doing anything for him and stopped caring how he feels about everything. I stopped living my life for him and started to live my life for me. I can honestly say that I am starting to feel a lot better than I have since the affair. Without knowing it, I was following the 180 list. I did it for me and have no expectations of him ever reacting to my change in ways. Also, I don't care if he ever changes. I am changing for the better which benefits me and my children.

Once again, I really appreciate everyone's responses.