I don't think he did this because he feels guilty, not in the least; feeling guilt is not within his realm. He sounds like a predator to me and you may have scared him off, asking all those smart questions. I think you should do what you think is the right thing to do. He's a liar, no doubt, I mean doesn't everyone go onto hook-up sites to meet friends? This isn't his first time, and he's probably been called out before, but being an elder of his church...

So you think I should tell them?
I am just so confused.

when you write, "One thing lead to another and I ended up performing oral sex on him.", what do you mean?

that you did what you wanted to and then regretted it? Or that you were forced?

Big difference.

If it is the first choice, that's hardly something to report to his church. If it is the second? Report it to the police/church, etc.

it's lousy behavior on his pat, yes. However, if you were a willing participant, that is on you that you met him and did what you did. You would have known the score.

On the other hand, if you were forced, that is a whole nuther story--to be reported.

No I wasn't forced. I don't think it's very ethical for a man who is supposed to be a MAN of GOD and an Elder at his church 1. Be on a dating website, 2. Cheat on his wife

Is it any more ethical to meet with him? Not excusing him, btw.

No it's not but I am not the married one nor a Elder at my church

the time to have done anything constructive was as soon as you knew his status.

I understand and I feel horrible to that to another person. I know how horrible it feels to have someone cheat on you. I guess since he was supposed to be a MAN of GOD he was a good guy and wasn't playing any games.

seriously, you only give BJs to married church elders?
he certainly is a deceitful turd.
where was your head?
get yourself some self esteem help

I am not sure where my head was. I know obviously I wasn't thinking. I guess it was one of those moments where he acted like he really wanted me and for once that felt good. I am to the point I don't feel like I'm good enough for anyone.

it is sad that you feel like you aren't good enough for anyone.
you certainly are too good to be used by anyone

why would you feel wothless

Being with a creep like him, and putting yourself in that creepy situation, is what's making you feel this way, and you want to shrug it off onto him; it's understandable. But you have to take responsibility for putting yourself in that situation. Sure he tricked you, but you kind of knew and fell for it because you wanted to believe someone actually felt that way about you; and that's a really low place to be.

The only thing worse, is to seek dates when you're in that place. Look inward to find your self-esteem; seek therapy, hang out with people who you enjoy being with and get emotionally strong. Why would you measure your attractiveness based on a church elder creep?

Well at least you now know what those pick-up lines sound like, so I doubt you'll get tricked again, unless you want to. Choose better and you'll have a better outcome.

Now, the telling thing is your call. Many betrayed spouses would say his wife needs to know, others not so. Until he's taking women into the confessional for something other than a confession, I don't think the church would want to know or get involved; it's company policy. But if you have it in your bonnet to contact his wife, just stop to think about her for a moment. She lives with this creep, and she's an innocent party in all of this, and you don't know their history. You may not be the first one to come forward, and tear another strip of flesh off her, and then you'd feel like a dumb fool, to top it off.

So, licking your wounds for the time being may be the better option over lunging at his jugular.

Hi refurb, nice to see you back.

There are a ton of married men on all kinds of dating websites and apps. They usually don't advertise themselves are married because they are cheating on their wives. There may be a few legit open marriage types but the vast majority are cheaters. I did a lot of cat fishing after DDay (just exploratory) to educate myself about the scope and breadth of this problem. I suggest checking people out as best you can before you date in the future for your protection and so you reduce your chances of going through this again. At least you have a conscience and are bothered by what happened once you learned the truth. For what it is worth, this betrayed spouse would have wanted to know. As Lenoire said, some don't. But his wife is at risk for STDs and she may not even know it, which is a whole other dilemma....a *gift* that keeps on giving.

I too would want to know, but the reason why I've positioned my advice is because you seem to want a bit of revenge, and it's perfectly normal, when you feel you've been tricked by an upstanding citizen and an elder of his church, it's his wife I'm concerned about. If you were able to tell her in a private manner, without embarrassing and outing her to the entire church community, and leave the information with her to deal with, then I'd say go right ahead, she needs to know. But if you don't know this lady, and have no association, it might be tricky, unless you can accidentally run into her at the grocery store, but then how would you know it's her without stalking the household.

BTD is right, the online dating sites are chock full of people who shouldn't be on there, so it's up to you to ferret out the creeps. There are a number of ways to see through their shenanigans. They tend to start out with a heart-wrenching, tale of woe, sob-story to suck you in; oh you poor ole chap, you deserve so much better. It works like a charm and people fall for it all the time.

Another way of telling, after you've met them in person, they can never stay long or too late. Once the fun is done, they tend not to linger and always have somewhere to be, and it's usually just before the dinner hour, or before lights out in the homestead.

Get to know people patterns, they'll tell you all you need to know. Remember this, people always have a reason for doing something, even the smallest thing. So when the words don't match the picture, like cruising a dating website to meet "friends", bingo, you've caught a live one.

The reason you're so pissed, is because you knew all of this, yet you went ahead anyway. Learn your lesson, and don't take it out on others, take it out on yourself, and don't put yourself in that situation.

Put a list of deal-breakers together, and keep them by your computer when you're cruising the sites. The moment you hear or even catch a whiff of something funky, delete, withdraw, and sayonara; three very simple steps, and that's the key. Do this every time for everyone you meet, regardless of their sob story hook, and you will only meet decent people.

Wishing you well.

You might be right that I'm looking for revenge for what he did. I wouldn't think a MAN of GOD would play games but boy was I naive