I would suggest you two both go to individual therapy for a while before counseling. Too much pain, mistrust, and raw feelings for counseling to help yet. I think you need to sort through more your feelings towards your husband and if you even want to stay married to him.

I've read before that marriage counseling usually doesn't work. By the time you are at that stage, the marriage is usually shot to hell. But of course, the counselors won't tell you that.

Marriage counseling does not work because one of the two have already decided they want out of the marriage and are just going to check the box, -been there and tried that, now I can leave in good consciousness since counseling was tried.

Marriage counseling also does not work when one person is still active in the affair and is not disclosing this.

However, when people are ready, mostly truthful, and open it can be highly helpful.

I suggest counseling only as an avenue to get some insight. I don't think that all counselors are good AND if either person does not or is not putting EVERYTHING on the table, it won't work. The cheater thinks that the counseling is to help the person who has been cheated on. There are a lot of counselors that will just say, "move on", way before anything gets resolved. Also, there is no excuse good enough for cheating. We all have been tempted by other people BUT ,"we all", don't cheat. It's a selfish ,insecure act and no one else should be blamed.

He does see a counselor individually, I just can't see a counselor with him and drudge through all the BS about his reasons for cheating and asking me to change because I'm to blame or somewhat at fault for it

At the absolute most you're only 50% to blame for the condition of the marriage before the affair. He is Also 50% to blame for this. The affair is 100% on him. And now the condition of the marriage is also squarely 80% in his basket in the aftermath of HIS affair.

My percentages are not "scientifically" derived but you get the picture.

I started IC again last week and my counselor ask if it was ok to talk with my wife about me. I said sure. She's going in tomorrow and then I have my next session is the next day. Looking forward to some insightful discussions.

I think I would have a better understanding if it was just one woman, however it's multiple. He's admitted to 2 one night stands during travel for work and I found out about an emotional affair on my own. Not to mention his soliciting on craigslist to casual encounters. Who knows how long it's been going on...? I have a big problem with being 50% to blame for all of that!

My H and I only went to 8 sessions of MC after my A's were discovered. It was all we could afford. It was very helpful. After that we just read A recovery books aloud together. that was extremely helpful. We are still reading them plus other general marriage enrichment books.

We have read quite a few and have now written one of our own called Healing Infidelity: How to Build a Vibrant Marriage After an Affair. Since my H is a writer, albeit usually Sci Fi, it made sense for him to write this book after all we have been through and learned in this process.

I do think there is a separation in this. The CS takes 100% blame and full responsibility for A behavior. However, the process of rebuilding does and must include addressing marital issues and rebuilding the marriage to be better than it was before in many ways in spite of the scars from the A.

It is the same with me as a person. I am addressing my own issues and working to make myself a better person than I was before, despite the scars from the A.

I think It is important to address all contributing factors that contributed to the vulnerability to the A. This can be done as a way to facilitate change without blaming the A on these factors. These contributing factors do not all come from the M, they come from many different places, most of them from within the CS themselves.

My H and I addressed the M and the A recovery simultaneously. Separate things to address, but intertwined at the same time. The A recovery work rested mostly on me. the most helpful thing we did to address the M was to read His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage. It really helped us revolutionize our relationship, which helped us immensely in working on healing from the A.

You are not 50% to blame for all that. I think you read impono wrong there.

You likely have some degree of blame for marital problems, unmet needs in the relationship as a whole. He also has blame in that department. That is true of all marriages, whether they have affairs or not. It would be a rare case indeed when one spouse was totally to blame for all the problems in a marriage.

While it is possible that some unmet needs of his, either personal or relationship needs, contributed to his vulnerability and temptation to cheat, the decision to cheat is totally on him. It is his inappropriate response to perceived or real unmet needs within himself.

I recent wrote an article on this topic:
http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2013/08/how-could-he-have-done-this-to-me.html

If the counselor didn't make this difference clear, that is his fault. That is one beef I have with the book, "After the Affair." There are places she seems to get it, but frequently she writes like the affair is partially blamed on the hurt spouse. She isn't consistent with the concept.

You should also be aware that in many cases, the CS is not thinking about a lack in the marriage until the affair is well under way, and they start looking for reasons to justify their actions. What used to be annoyances suddenly become bigger than life and the reason for the affair.

But at most, you may have contributed to his temptation to have an affair. But he is totally to blame for giving into the temptation. Many people are tempted and don't give in. I'm one of those. At one point, I could have easily gone that route if I'd let it happen. But I said no. You're H could have said no too, no matter how great the pull to do it was for him.

Your not 50% to blame for that. You need counseling to understand why your still giving him chances and for support as you start to put your physical health and psychological well-being ahead of staying in a relationship with a sick person.

Yeah, well, porn is a form of cheating in my books. What ever happened to "keeping yourself soley to your spouse?" And, porn seeking behavior is seeking? Seeking what? That's the answer to it all in my thinking. I think it is only a primer for infidelity. Lusting about others is a primer for seeking others in my book. Thinking of sex just in the context of sex for sex is seeking infidelity isn't it? It is to me.

I came to find that I feel no differently about porn seeking behavior, than I feel about infidelity. In fact, I think it's far tougher to handle in some ways, other than sexual disease. In regular (?) infidelity, there is usually one "other" to deal with. In porn there are thousands of "others" to deal with. So? Not a great scenario for me. And, I found that it's mighty uncomfortable to have sex with a partner who views so many prospective partners. How is one "ever" going to cope with that? I don't do that well at all. I figure, if you aren't happy being with me, if you need to seek "other" stimulation though I'm present, then I think ya oughta go get that...right away....period.

And, I don't think there is a "reason" for cheating...period. So, if a counselor were to suggest to me that there is some "reason" that I caused, I'd have to tell the counselor to seek a counselor. I can't really see how discussing the "normal" parts of a marriage is beneficial when dealing with a partner cheating. That is not "normal" in my books. And, I think comparing failure to pick up the towels in the bathroom to cheating is ridiculas at best. Really? I think I'd have to insist on sticking to the subject matter. Perhaps, beginning with porn usage.