My wife and I separated, and I think it made all the difference.

In more ways than one.

After I confronted my wife and she confessed to the affair, I told her "Right now, this is between me and you. Nobody else knows, and nobody else NEEDS to know. But a separation will dramatically impact our children, family, and friends. And, at that point, you need to be genuinely prepared for us to get divorced. I am not going to 'undo' a separation, and try to patch everything back up, when our friends and family know all our business."

She wouldn't listen. The attraction to her affair partner was too great. She moved out. The affair promptly ended, and she was totally stranded. Alone, no job, no husband, no affair partner, no family, no money.

She quickly saw the error of her ways, and became very, very interested in reconciliation. She has tried to do absolutely anything and everything to win her place back in my heart, and to repent and be remorseful.

But I was serious. I will not let her come home and I believe we are heading for divorce. Hard though it would have been, I could have dealt with the affair. But I cannot abide or forgive what the separation has done to our children.

We did not separate. We talked through what happened for two weeks before I felt okay to continue with rebuilding the relationship.

For me it was a time to be close and figure out how we were going to proceed, it was not a time to be away from him. It was a time to let him know what I needed to go forward, and I believe this is what helped me to forgive him and move into a mindset of reconciliation.

Had we separated, I can say with almost complete certainty that we would have never come back together. Instead of using temperance and understanding to maneuver my way through the gut-stabbing rollercoaster ride I was experiencing, I would have used spite and anger. And that's no place for a lady to be.

Amen Betrayedintoronto

No separation here. He said he would leave because he was causing me to much pain. I told him if he leaves, stay gone. I'm not giving you a honeymoon time away from this mess. We either work on it together or not at all. I know if got the chance to live without him, it would have stayed that way.

Sometimes I think I should have made him leave. Let him see all he would lose since he thinks she brings sunshine and rainbows into his life.

I do think there are times when separation is needed though. It a person choice one that only the person involved and make because you know more of what going on and the personalities involved.

We never separated, but that is in large part that I never saw a need to. My W was cooperative from the start. But if she hadn't been, after time doing the 180 she hadn't responded positively, separation would have been a step I would have taken. Whether that would have been temporary or permanent would have depended on her.

She either did what needed doing to rebuild trust or she didn't. If the latter, it would have ended in separation and divorce.

One book I read suggested the main times to separate upon discovery is if physical abuse is present or the relationship dynamic is such that communication has become impossible. Separation can give breathing space in those situations.

But each situation is different as well. I know one couple who went through a full divorce, and then required her ex to win her back, rebuild, and if it worked out, they would remarry. In some ways that reflects reality better since infidelity is a form of divorcing.

Cant recall the outcome of that one, and whether they had kids or not. Everyone is different.

when i first found out about my H's first 2 affairs (found out about them at the same time) he had come home blackout drunk and passed out in our living room. he had been lying to my face for weeks, and his behavior with his drinking, drinking and driving, starting to abuse drugs, etc was coming to a head. with all of that, and the affairs combined, and him still being unwilling to confess, i felt i had no choice for the safety of my son, who was 10 months old at the time. i told H to leave. he was gone for about 1 month, and i only let him come back once he had started AA, gotten STD testing, agreed to start counseling. he was back for about 2.5 months before he chose to leave himself that time - - he was ultimately unwilling to do what it takes for a CS to earn back trust. i think it depends on the couple, the family dynamic, and the marriage as a whole. no one can really say if anyone else is right or wrong in separating. in my case, i stand by my initial decision to make him leave. he was out of control, and in so much denial that it was the only way to wake him up to the fact that i wasnt going to live that way, that with or without him, i did not want my son being exposed to a blackout drunk, cheating, lying father on a daily basis as he would grow up. i respect myself too much, and i don't want my son to grow up thinking such behavior is acceptable. some cheaters will never see the damage they are truly doing until a separation occurs. sometimes not even then. and to me, if thinking that a separation would be the death sentence for the marriage, well then the damage is probably already done anyway. but again all situations are different and complex in their own way.

Yes. My situation is different. I found out (well he finally admitted it) about the A long after it ended and produced a child. Infact our marriage was suffering for years, mainly from an A I suspected bur he denied, that I finally choose to end it. Once we were separated he confessed.

We stayed living seperate for overa year while trying to rebuild our relationship. For me it was needed. Initially when I chose to try to rebuild, I thought the seperation was a form of due consequences but in time I realized that for me, I wasn't really ready nor was our relationship, to be living under 1 roof. I needed my time and space.

He had to mend his relationship with his kids and also slowly bring his oc into their lives.

Like I said, my situation is a bit different but for me, for my marriage, separation was necessary.

We didn't separate and I think it would have been better if we had.I didn't want anyone to know what had happened and I didn't want to disrupt our child's life. His floozy would have been delighted too. so I let him stay He didn't suffer any real consequences, so he didn't get the kick in the pants that he needed to to stop lying to me and start working to regain my trust. He was very proud of himself at first( she was a young fox, and she kept chasing him) and that lasted way too long. Packing his bags and kicking his butt out would have taken some of the arrogance out of him I think. If I had it to do again I would do less talking and reasoning and more decisive action. He took over the control of my life and I should have taken it right back.

We separated for about 2 weeks immediately after I found out about the affair. We have been having troubles for awhile and never told our family or friends and when I found out about the A I told him that that was the end of that and I was going to tell whomever I needed to about the A and our other problems to help me deal with it. He agreed. Our children were 17 and 20 at the time. We told them about everything. They both said they knew something serious was wrong and it bothered them that we would not talk about things with them. They were hurt but by that. I think dealing with everything as a family has brought us closer and the kids now know we will tell them if something serious is going on.

During the two weeks apart I realized that I loved my husband (we had been married for 23 years at the time) and that I wanted to at least try to reconcile as we had alot of good memories and love during those years despite the financial trouble and his affair.

For my husband, he says that kicking him out was the best thing I could have done. For him he hit rock bottom. He said it made him realize how much he wanted to be with me and how wrong he treated me and how wrong it was to hide our problems. He started counseling and has made many changes in himself. He is now the type of husband I always wanted - he is loving and caring. We have learned how to communicate a lot better. I could not be prouder of him for all his hard work. It is still tough to deal with the bad feelings and trust issues from the A but I am dealing with them one day at a time as I believe that our marriage is worth it. We have talked out our other issues instead of pretending they weren't there and are working on them and have even sold our house as it was the best thing for us financially and to help up move into a better place.

If I hadn't kicked him out for those two weeks I don't think he would have realized how badly changes needed to be made in our marriage and in himself. He says it was the lowest point of his life but was necessary in order for him to change and be a better man.

Hope this helps.

Thank you for your responses. They were very helpful in getting a better understanding for myself of my situation.

At the time of the affair I held tight to the belief that it would not benefit our relationship if we had separated. However, 2.5 years later I am starting to have second thoughts about it. Still to this day he does not appreciate me, his children or his home. Although, according to him, he is not seeing anyone else, he still carries on with his other bad habits of excessive drinking and staying out all night where he has no respect for his family. Communication between us for the majority of the time gets explosive. The only time it is not explosive is when I do not mention anything negative about him. He is very defensive.

Last week was our 15th wedding anniversary and I had no interest in doing anything. I felt there was nothing to celebrate since according to him the majority of our marriage was bad. So when I told him I didn't want to do anything he left and did not return until the next day. When he left it actually felt good without him in the house. The kids and I really enjoyed our time together. It made me think that I could probably do this separation thing. I am not saying for sure yet but I am starting to think it may do me some good.

We are currently sleeping in separate rooms and barely talk to one another. Usually by now it would be me who would try to make amends but I have no energy to do anything. I am letting time take its course and see where this leaves us. If nothing changes from him then I know it will lead to a divorce. I am preparing myself mentally for the likelihood of our marriage ending. This will be his second divorce due to infidelity.

I'm sure your husband has some delightful qualities, and what you have posted here is likely quite one-sided. That said, your husband kinda seems like a real asshole. Clearly your marital problems go far beyond him cheating.

"You gotta make a decision. Leave tonight, or live and die this way."
-Tracy Chapman

Yes MrCellophane he is a "real asshole". I tell him that and he seems to get a kick out of being known as one.

He does have some great qualities but lately his bad qualities out weigh the good ones.

Love the Tracy Chapman quote.

Thanks :-)

I am sorry you are in this position. I can only relate that if my husband hadn't done the hard work to change we would NOT still be together.
You cannot do all the work to make your marriage work. It takes two.

Your husband sounds like he needs a swift kick up the ass by you. He is not respecting you and the family by staying out all night..... it sounds like he does not communicate with you also.... what a jerk.

I believe asking the CS to leave or taking some type of action to show him this is not to be tolerated helps the CS to see what he will be losing.

He does not realize how much damage he has caused due to his reckless behavior. Or if he does realize it, he takes it as a joke.

Much love to you... I hope things work out in your favor!!