Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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Soldier 10/10/2017

I've been married to my wife for 5 years. A about a month and a half ago infkund out from my father in law and sister in law that for over 2 1/2 years my wife has been having an emotional and physical afair with someone about 3 hrs away. She would visit him almost monthly somtimes more. He even introduced her to his wife to make the afair easier. For over a year and a half my wife would brag to her sister about the afair on a regular basis about how he would meet her in hotels, about how good looking he is, about jkw she wasn't giving me any because she already gets it from him. How they wanted tonkeep the afair going and not leave thier spkuses. My marrage started going down hill fast. When id ask my wife what was going in she wkuld tell me everythung was fine but shebgot emotiinal and physicaly distant and was emotionaly abusive. I finally gpt hwr to confess the afair about 3 weeks ago. She agreed to cut ties with him and we are seeking counsaling. She still has not discused to me what started it. I love my wife and want this to work but its been difficult though. Any addvice on letting go and moving forward with the marrage?

betrayedtodeath 10/10/2017

Individual counseling for each of you with separate counselors. After you each have made progress on your own, its more appropriate to begin couples counseling. Cheaters often fake it in couples counseling when they truly have not owned their problem, have no intention of changing, and just want to placate you into letting your guard down. I'm sorry you're going through this. She sounds like the typical cheater-wants to have her cake and eat it too. Cheats, lies, brags, entitled, abusive. Also sounds like a certain type of personality or character disorder. She must come clean 100% and answer all your questions, be transparent in all communication (passwords, devices unlocked etc). She must follow through with cutting ties with him. Many cheaters just take things further underground when caught. They get better at lying and hiding. Please get yourself tested for STDs. Again, I'm sorry you're here.

StormPetrel 10/10/2017

So for half of your married life your wife has been lying, cheating and sneaking around. And to add insult to injury, family members knew about this and protected the cheater?

Exactly what are you saving? Who exactly do you love?

Why is she cutting all ties and how do you know she really is?

She is refusing to discuss the A?

From my perspective the A will just go underground. Many do once the cheaters have been caught. Unless your W is showing true remorse and opens up, your marriage is pretty much over.
One person cannot save a relationship alone.

Sure, try counseling. But it might be better to call a lawyer.

forwardmotion 10/10/2017

Get a lawyer and start the proceedings. Your wife wasn't just having an affair, she was bragging to her sister for 1.5 years.

Her family didn't feel the need to tell you which means they are part of the problem for enabling her. A poisonous person with a poisonous family.

What exactly do you love about her? She cheated on you for half your marriage and bragged about it to family. She emotionally abuses you and enjoys the fact that she withholds emotional/physical intimacy to make you suffer.

If you take someone like this back you are highly likely to suffer greatly for the remainder of your marriage. From your description of your wife and your marriage, you didn't lose your marriage, it never was.

Soldier 10/10/2017

The sister was uncomfortable about it and for awhile did not want to get involved. The father in law got tired of it and finally told me. She seems to feel bad about it and agreed to discuse the afair when wr go back to the counsalor on Thursday. She is the mother of my child and i do love her im just funding it hard to get past this. Just want addvice on how to start letting go once she finally tells me everything.

forwardmotion 10/10/2017

Seems you've decided to stay regardless...so I'll at least help give you some perspective. You have a kid together so I understand giving her a chance if she really does change. She is starting off from a bad place though...

It's not about letting go of this. It is about healing and making sure she is doing everything necessary to help you feel safe and regain your trust. Without this there is no "letting go". You can't bury the resentment as it just grows underneath.

There is no shortcuts. Counseling for both of you and then counseling together. Again making sure she is honest and accountable at all times and doing everything in her power to help you heal and restore your trust in her.

Soldier 10/10/2017

Forwardmotion, thank you. Right now its just hard getting past the day to day pain of knowing whar happend and for so long. I understand itll be a slow process but it dosent make it any easier. Im hoping counseling will open things up so i can see what i did to oush her to do this and what her line of thinking was to believe this was all ok for so long.

heartache5 10/10/2017

I agree with forward motion if you have decided to stay. But please there no obligation if u decide down the road you can't get past it don't feel bad it's not ur fault.
I'm very concerned of her intentions though. She surely hasn't told you the truth and it's very unlikely she is really going to cut all ties with this man. Unless she is really renorsefull and willing to do whatever you may just be setting urself up for more pain. It can't be only you working on recovery she needs to be all in.
If she is committed and truly cut ties. She first needs to tell the truth. And answer ur questions. Don't ask ur self to just move forward. U can't this is to intense. You need to know the truth to be able to slowly start healing. Than she needs to be an open book as in allowing u access to ur phone and all accounts. And both individual counseling.
Please get STD tested. It's unlikely the affair partner only slept with ur wife and cheaters don't use condoms. Wish u the best. Ur in for a very rough emotional ride if u decide to stay

StormPetrel 10/10/2017

You did nothing to make her cheat. Not one thing.

She cheated because she wanted to. Do not accept the blame.

Get custody of your child and realize that there is someone else out there who you can love and who is deserving of your love.

Soldier 10/10/2017

Stormpetrel Im soon to be retired soldier in the army in 7 months. This is my 3rd marrage the 1st 2 ended the same way with them cheating (bad luck i know) obviously devorce isnt working. Im praying therapy and open communications can help. I just need advice on coping with this pain, not letting it consume me and hopfully making the marrage better.

betrayedtodeath 10/10/2017

Individual counseling will eventually help you to feel better. You do have to wade through some muck, but the process will help you find answers and grow.

Gutted 10/10/2017

I'm worried that you are inadvertently choosing the wrong traits in a woman. You can figure out that piece by talking to a counselor. I'm also worried that you have had such bad experiences with women that you're willing to settle for someone who cheated on you for a long time and bragged about it. If her own family is turning on her, she's way way out of control. You've been putting yourself in harms way to protect your country, taking care of your family and I just wonder when it's your turn to get taken care of by someone. I really think you deserve someone who truly loves and respects you and she's out there somewhere. You won't find her by going back to the person who hurt you. Wish you the best in whatever choice you make.

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