Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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distancemj 07/06/2013

I learned this morning that CS's have a very skewed idea of what is fair especially when it comes to the relationship. in our last couples counseling session she tink that i being the guy should do all the outside chores including her garden and do most of the inside chores because she needs to have some more time to herself. Then this morning i wanted to go for a run, and she rattled off a list of things she wanted me to do before hand. well i had just put in 3 hours of work while she sleept, i wanted to go for a 5 mile run. so i did so because i deserved it.
When i come back and shower i asked her to put lotion on my back (i have exczema so i use a thick lotion and medication.) and after she did that for me she told me (she routinely tells me this) that the stuff i need on my skin is gross and she hates touching me after i have put it on.
And the first thougt this morning that went through my head was she gets seriously offended if I say that her severe overweightness is gross and a turn off, so why should she say that my lotion and medication is gross.

boydie 07/06/2013

I am sorry to hear that she seems to find it appropriate to abuse and exploit you. Why are you continuing with her?

isitjustme21 07/06/2013

Sounds like she has issues of her own & doesnt know how to deal with them & it comes back on you.

Honestly i dont think this is a CS vs BS battle. My H and i struggle with this and he is the CS.

Are either of you in IC?

deleted_user 07/06/2013

If you're using words like 'gross' to describe each other, I'd say you both need to learn how to treat each other with respect.

Gabrielle48 07/06/2013

Well, first of all, to say your lotion is gross is not a personal attack or offense by any means but to say your body is gross definitely is. I was quite overweight for many years and I could not imagine Cole ever saying anything negative about it. It would have hurt me a lot even though I knew it was gross. His love for me would not have allowed him to hurt me that way. He has always told me he loves me no matter what. His main concern was that it was not healthy for me to be so overweight and he did mention that rarely and after I lost a good percentage of the excess weight it was the health aspect that he mostly mentioned.

I suppose it may seem offensive for her to say she doesn't want to touch you when you have the lotion on. Cole isn't a big fan of lotion and I am hesitant to ask him to put some on me even if I am itching because I know he doesn't like to do it. Once in a while I do ask him anyway but sometimes I use a wooden spoon to put it on myself. I know he thinks lotion is gross, but I have to use it too. He just wouldn't say it was gross in a way that would seem personally offensive.

In that way, I think fiberjunkie is spot on. Respect is probably the key issue here.

deleted_user 07/07/2013

I too agree with Fiber and Gabi. Going back before the A did either of you treat each other with disrespect? If so, this is just an ongoing issue that was around long before the A started. More than likely it will continue until you both either communicate or find a better therapist.
However on the flip side...if it started after the A and there is no respect coming from either side then either get out or find another therapist.

distancemj 07/07/2013

Hang on and Gabi - she used her weight as a way to force me to be like her ex that she had the affair with. He always encouraged her be over weight because he liked her that way. In the time she had her affair with him as well as 2 years after she gained 120 plus pounds, putting her over the 350 lb mark. and she would always say that i had to accept it because that is how her ex liked her so i should like her that way. To me it is not the fact that she was a bit over weight to begin with, it was the fact that i found it gross that she felt she had to gain that extra weight to try to get me to be like her ex. she could lose the weight if she wanted but she choses not to. i cannot change that part of her, but it is hard to accept that she thinks that because her ex loved her being so overweight that i should to.
And as far as the lotion goes, it was never gross to her until her affair because her ex thought it extremely wierd that she could be with someone with a skin issue when he was right there (despoite the fact that he was married) with perfect skin. So there again it was his infulence that gave her the idea that my lotion and stuff is gross, so she gets to voice that because of what her ex thought of it.

gina666 07/07/2013

Your wife sounds like a real treat..she should be kissing your feet just for staying with her

DeliAnnem 07/07/2013

Kissing more than your feet...

Gabrielle48 07/07/2013

Wow, distance, sounds like a very bad dynamic going on there. Obviously she hasn't "gotten over" her AP.

What has she done to help heal the M since Dday? Does she go to to IC or do the two of you go to MC? Will she read recovery books alone or together with you? Is there any remorse? If so do you think it is from the heart?

the one book all CS's must read is How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual For the Unfaithful. It shows very simply and clearly the attitude and actions for successful rebuilding. I have seen that book turn things around. Remember Hawk? His W was totally rug sweeping aided by their MC. I was able to talk to her a number of times and got her to read that book and it changed everything for them. I don't know how they are doing now though, it has been a while.

Have you ever thought of taking her to Retrovaille? I have yet to hear of anyone coming away from that with anything but remarkable results.

I hate that you have to live with this dynamic. It is wrong. I hope it can change.

Learningskills 07/08/2013

Well, her x, or whatever he was, didn't have much care for her did he? Being overweight is a huge health detriment. And, I can't imagine why anyone would suggest gaining weight and compromising their health if they love a person. That makes no sense at all. How on Earth could that make any sense to her?

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