Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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chewdy 06/15/2010

I started counseling a bit before I found out about the A and then continued after for about 6 months. I had to stop because I felt like it just continued to make me feel worse, not better. All though it did bring out most of the truth from H.
One of the things I had requested is that H continue with counseling for him self to see why this happened and how to find out about himself. He said he would go, but never did.... I am disappointed that he did not follow through . Anyways, I have decided that I need to go back , because I think that he has just brushed this all under the rug and thinks that it is time to just move on. I somehow , just feel like we still need to work on rebuilding our marriage. There were alot of suggestions that the counselor had made and out of a list of 6 we only have accomplished maybe 3. I am feeling like H should be giving more of an effort and when I talk to him about it he acts like I am just not satisfied and what ever he is doing is just not good enough.
I have started a new job and have very little access to the email and we are not able to talk much during the day and I think this also has me feeling a bit lost.
H still works at the same place as the OW, and I really have no proof that they have stopped talking..I am suppose to just start to trust him ( well start to again)
Just kinda feel like I need my DS friends for some support. I do love my H and we have a daughter together and I am really trying to make this work , but I;m not sure that I'm happy.

deleted_user 06/15/2010

Chewdy, I am in a very similar spot as you. My H had left me last August and moved in with the OW for almost 3 months (I didn't know about her until after he left me). Suddenly, at the end of October, he emailed me saying he wanted to come home, and said he would do anything, including MC. We went to counseling from November until March, then got away from it due to financial and then health reasons. A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a letter to my H explaining things I was still really struggling with and told him I wanted us to go back to counseling, even if with a new counselor. He has refused. So, I have now started seeing a new counselor on my own.

Like you, I feel like my H has just brushed this under the rug and thinks it's time to move on. He's back, he's not going anywhere (according to him) and that's just about all there is to it. But that's not all there is to it for me. I feel like I am the only one working on this. I feel very alone. And like you, I'm not sure I'm happy, either. Well, I can say that most of the time, I'm not.

I'm sure this doesn't really help you, except perhaps to know that you are not alone. I'm struggling, too.

Big (((HUGS)))

Lstecker 06/16/2010

You got it...here for ya'!

L~

chewdy 06/16/2010

Thanks, I did talk to H last evening and told him how I felt and I figured , what the heck do I have to loose. He is willing to go to counseling just has not made an effort to do so. Last night he told me that he will do it before we have our vacation ( July 4th-9).
We also each made a list of different things that the counselor suggested that we do to rebuild the marriage and trust and that was a nice list to let him know that we need to be more productive.

deleted_user 06/16/2010

Like most men, they arent going to make the effort on their own. Would he go if you made the first appointment for him?

If he ever expects you to trust him again, he sure better make more of an effort to help you heal. Trust is earned, it isnt a right. I dont think you will be happy for a while, but that is to be expected. Once the trust and security start coming back, you will relax more and allow joy back into your life. Im looking forward to that day myself.

chewdy 06/16/2010

Thank you

beckychurcher 06/16/2010

They both have to realise that THEY have to are the ones that have to make massive changes to enable you to move forward.Trust has to be earned and they have to do everything and anything to regain that. They are responsible for all that has happened, they can not expect you to bury it like it never happened. They have to answer any questions about the affair and be totally honest, however painful. They should both be willing to do the counselling. Also I would be very concerned that they are still working together, first rule in therapy IS ABSOLUTELY no contact in any shape or form...how will you ever be able to regain total trust with her still in the picture What if she still wants him? what if he can't say no? what if he isn't really over her or her him? to many red flags. I would be extremely worried about this situation. Can he move jobs? can he re locate? I would seriously take this as a major threat to you moving on. Talk to your therapist together about this situation and see what they think, also ask the question to your husband in front of the therapist and see how he reacts. Sorry I don't want to crush anything here, just warning you.

chewdy 06/18/2010

Thanks for the warning, I would never know if they still had contact and I told H that. I do however have people that work there that keep me informed if they are seen interacting in any situation.
My gut feeling is that they are not , H is very attentive to me at home and always wanting to involve me in doing things with him. H calls me and leaves messages on my phone and just is not acting like he is distracted by someone else attention. I want to trust that H has no contact . H knows that our marriage is completely over with any more stepping out of the boundaries of our marriage. H was the one who arranged our whole renewal ceremony and has been receptive to counseling.

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